Premature Love
by hotmama4jd
Summary: *COMPLETE*  A serious relationship was the last thing Edward or Bella was looking for when they met as new parents of babies in the neonatal intensive care unit.  Can they fall in love during the most stressful time in their lives?  Based on a true story.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: S.M. owns the Twilight Saga. I own this story as I lived most of it.**

Prologue: Nightmare

I careen through the darkening residential streets as fast as I dare. By taking deep breaths, I am able to control my panic and concentrate on driving. _Oh, please get me there in time. Please._ No. I must not think of this now. Drive. Just drive. I notice the beautiful azaleas while stopped at the longest light. Azaleas are my favorite spring flower as they herald the promise of warm weather, sunshine. I wrestle with the thoughts of summer days spent at parks filled with kids. _Stop it._ _Just one more mile. Almost there. _

Finally, the large brick building comes into view. I am here. I park the car and make my way as fast as I can to the elevators. I wish I had my strength back so I could just sprint up the stairs. _Are the elevators always this slow?_ The ding signals the arrival of a car which is thankfully empty. I rush in and hit the button for the 6th floor. I am out of the elevator and halfway down the hall before the doors can even open fully. People frown and dart out of my way as I speed walk down the hall. _Almost there._

When I reach the doorway, I take a deep breath to settle myself as I am terrified to find out what is on the other side. _Come on Bella. He needs you. He needs your comfort so now is not the time to fall apart. _ Opening the door, my senses are immediately assaulted. The lights are too bright, the beeping monitors too loud and the smell. No one likes hospital smell.

After I frantically wash my hands, I throw a hospital gown over my clothes. Turning the corner to enter the main room, almost every person turns to look at me but I see none of them. My eyes are fixed on the tiny figure about ten feet in front of me. _Oh. My. God._ Anyone can see how critically ill he is just by looking at him. There is no denial now. _50% survival rate. My son could die._

**AN: So this is my first attempt at writing, so anyone who might actually stumble upon this please be kind if you choose to review. I would love some constructive advice or comments. And yes, Edward will make an appearance.**


	2. Things Never Go As Planned

**AN: S.M. owns Twilight.**

**Chapter 1 Things Never Go as Planned (or the number '3' sucks)**

**BPOV**

When most people say the word 'baby' or 'pregnant', the first image that comes to mind is usually a tiny round baby swaddled in soft blankets and cradled in a mother's arms while the father looks on with adoration. The mother is smiling softly and her eyes are bright with love while the baby is cooing. The father snaps yet another picture.

This particular road to this family of three has been paved over and over again. The loving couple has been married for 3 years, they live in a 3 bedroom house with a dog, they have sex 3 times a week. The time is determined to be right so the couple decide to have a baby and throw the birth control pills out. After three months to clear her system, they begin to 'try'. The three months of carefully calculated and positioned sexual intercourse is successful and 'they' are pregnant(!). When she is three months along, they announce it to the friends and family. Three weeks before the due date, showers and parties are held where pretty and tiny baby gifts are given and received to the required 'oohs' and 'ahhs'. When the wife goes into labor, the husband drives her to the hospital. Two becomes three, wife becomes mother, husband becomes father and couple becomes family. Three days after the first contraction, the new family is home and walking down the road of suburban life.

This is how it is supposed to work.

That is how I wanted it to work.

It did not work that way.

Instead, I find myself in my late 20s, single, with my period 3 weeks late and sitting on the toilet in my two bedroom condo staring at the box of pregnancy tests as if it holds the answers to life. Well, I guess it does. My on-again off-again boyfriend split the minute I told him I was late. We both remember the night the condom broke. What a cliché right? When he left, he took his toothbrush out of the bathroom but left his underwear on the floor. I received a letter from his attorney relinquishing all parental rights to me. I can't believe I have a letter containing the words "parental rights" before I even had a positive pregnancy test.

I cannot wait the 3 minutes it says on the box and look at the test early. My mind is completely blank as I stare at the positive sign on the plastic stick. I'm going to be a mother? I turn and throw up into the toilet.

I spend the night wide awake staring at the ceiling. Strangely, I am not panicked. I feel…happy? Excited? Worried? It is embarrassing that even though I make an excellent living as an author, I cannot find words to describe any of the feelings swirling through me. At 5:00 AM, I reach for my phone and call my sister Angela.

"Bella?" comes the groggy voice on the phone, "is everything OK?"

"Can't I just call my favorite sister at 5AM?" I reply. Unfortunately, my voice gives away the fact that I am not being flippant.

"Bella. What is wrong? Are you hurt?" I can hear my brother-in-law Ben in the background asking questions of Angie while she is trying to ask questions of me.

"I'm pregnant." I blurt out loudly. I think it stuns us both. It is the first time I have said the words aloud. The silence over the phone line is heady. I can actually hear her swallow before she speaks.

Ange stuttered questions at me. "Ah, are you….? Is this…? What happened?"

I resist the urge to supply a sarcastic answer to her last question. Instead, I pour out the whole story of how the condom broke, he left and now I am knocked up and alone. Angela never like he-who-shall-not-be-named so I can literally feel her holding her "I told you so" back on her tongue. After a 20 minute bout of word vomit, I ask the question we both want to know the answer to: "Ange, what am I going to do?"

"Bella, you know you are the only one who can answer that question. Are you ready to be a single mother? I know you have always wanted a family, but do you really want to do this by yourself? Ben and I live too far away to be of much help and none of your writer friends can even take care of themselves much less an infant."

For as pertinent as her questions were, there was one issue that was looming like the proverbial elephant in the corner. Angela knows me as well as I know myself and we both know that for my sarcastic and flippant exterior, I have longed for a relationship like she found with Ben. I want to find love. I am not ignorant of the fact that if I had this baby, I would have little time to date. My anemic social life would die a sharp and fast death. As silly and selfish as it sounds, would I be trading baby love for a chance at a relationship? I wanted both.

It was obvious that Angela wanted to talk this over again and again, but I rushed off the phone with the excuse that I needed to puke. Instead, I grabbed my jacket and headed to 'my' bookstore/coffeeshop.

New York in early December can be pretty cold, especially with the wind whistling down the Avenues. I quickly walked the two blocks until I reached my destination. Opening the door, I immediately felt soothed. The scent of books and coffee decreased my stress levels and I smiled for the first time today. I walked up to the coffee counter and started to order my 'usual' when I realized that I needed to forego the caffeine. The realization that another human being was growing within me and relying on me for protection and nourishment hit me like a ton of bricks. I squared my shoulders, looked at the bored barista and ordered a decaf latte with skim milk. I was going to have this baby.

**AN: Again, thanks for reading. I hope to speed things up soon. EPOV next chapter.**


	3. Behind Closed Doors

**AN: S.M. owns Twilight. Also, there is a lime in this chapter. **

Chapter 2 - Behind Closed Doors

**EPOV**

_I can't believe I am doing this. Man up Cullen. You want this. Well, not THIS, but what it leads to. _

I follow the woman down the hallway lined with nondescript doors. Keeping my eyes firmly fixed on the floor, I almost run into her when she stops. She turns to me and smiles a bit too widely. _Is she laughing at me?_ She places an overly manicured hand on my forearm and leans in close.

"OK, here we are. You are in Room 2. If you need _anything_, please let me know. I'll be right down the hall." She smiles and winks then leans forward and brushes her overly large cleavage against my arm as she reaches to open the door.

"Ah, OK. Um, thanks. I'll be fine." I hurry in the room and shut the door. God this is mortifying.

I lock the door and triple check that it is secure. I turn around a take in the room. Not sure what I was expecting, I take it all in. The room is the size of my office at work. The walls are white and the floors are gray tile. There is a couch, coffee table filled with magazines, a TV/DVD player and a sink. Next to the sink are the specimen cups. Even though I am by myself, I feel the tips of my ears warm in embarrassment.

I take a deep breath and blow it out slowly. Although I am excited to finally get this whole process started, I am also somewhat discouraged. I really don't want to be doing this on my own (no pun intended). It is not like I haven't dated. I have even dated some nice women, but none of them were right. For the millionth time, I wonder if I am too picky. No. I want what my parents have. I want adoration. Connection. Passion. Friendship. Another deep breath and I am ready to do what I need to do. Ugh.

I walk slowly toward the couch and coffee table. Not wanting to actually sit on the couch, I bend over and look at the magazines on the table. _Thank god the magazines look new. _I glance through the titles – Hustler, Playboy, Jugs, Back Door Babes. I feel like I am 17 again – sneaking peaks at the porn shelf at the local convenience store. _Come on Cullen. It is not like you don't do this every morning in the shower. Man up._

I grab a specimen cup and put it on the coffee table. Closing my eyes, I bring to mind my coffeshop girl. This poor girl has stared in more of my fantasies than Megan Fox and Eliza Dushku combined. I remember the last time I see her – her beautiful dark hair loose down her back, jeans that showcase her perfect ass, blue shirt that hugs her curves. Her dark brown eyes were focused on her coffee in front of her, small hand reached for a red straw to stir her drink then she brought the straw to her mouth and her little pink tongue licked…

I unbutton my jeans and push them down my thighs. I lower the band of my boxer briefs and let my throbbing cock free. Ah, coffeeshop girl does it for me every time. I grab my shaft and slowly start to stroke.

_The beautiful girl turns to look at me with the straw still poised by her mouth. A slight smile brightens her delicate features. "Can I help you with your 'little' problem there?" she whispers. She sets the straw down and licks her pink lips before she walks over to me. Her hands rest on my chest while her mouth places little nipping kisses on my jaw and neck. A groan rumbles out of my chest as I feel her hands run down over my chest to my abs then linger at the waistband of my jeans. A sharp pull at top button and she has my pants undone and open. My erection is straining the thin cotton of my boxerbriefs. She looks down and smiles mischeviously._

My hand starts to move faster and with more pressure. As I reach the tip, I can already feel the precum leaking. A quick twist of my wrist and I spread the liquid around for lubrication. Oh god it feels good.

_She hooks her fingers into the top of my briefs then delves in to wrap her hand around my cock. Her soft hands ghost over my flesh. Impatient, I push my clothes down so as to give her more room to work me. "Impatient are we?" she smirks. Without warning, she drops to her knees and licks me from base to tip. A loud moan escapes me. It feels so good. She takes the tip into her mouth and swirls her tongue around me again and again. When I think I am going to lose my mind, she finally takes me into her mouth and starts to move._

My hand is now flying over my flesh. I squeeze my eyes shut and concentrate on the image of coffeeshop girl with my cock in her pretty little mouth. My hips are thrusting to meet my hand. I grab the container as I feel my balls tighten and my orgasm rush through my body. I shut my eyes and stifle a groan as I cum, then remember I have to actually aim for the container. I manage to capture every drop. _Good lord, I do not want to have to do this again here._ I put the lid on the container and find a pen and label. I wash my hands thoroughly, grab the container and cautiously open the door. Luckily, all of the other doors are still closed. The last thing I want is to run into another dude coming out of one of these rooms – talk about awkward.

Unfortunately, 'fake boobs' was still at the desk when I went to deliver my specimen. I stand there awkwardly as she finishes her phone conversation. _Couldn't they have given me a sack or something to put this in? I am standing here with my jizz in a cup for the world to see!_ Thankfully, 'fake boobs' hangs up the phone and turns to me.

"All finished Mr. Cullen?" she asks.

I fight the urge to roll my eyes and make a sarcastic remark. Instead I smile and hand her the cup. She shuffles papers then disappears with my future half-children to the lab. When she returns, she pushes more papers at me then tells me to take a seat as my appointment is still in 10 minutes. _What? Is she suggesting I was too fast back there? Get a grip Cullen._

I return to the waiting room of the infertility clinic and find a seat over in the corner. Glancing down at the magazines on the table, I am not surprised to see that there are no copies of Hustler out here. I am surrounded by Cosmo, Redbook and Allure. _Hmmm. No Car & Driver magazines._ Clasping my hands between my knees, I sit back in the chair. The room is peach with watercolor prints on the walls. I think it is supposed to be calming; however, no amount of interior decorating can soothe a room full of hormonal, upset women. I see several women with red-rimmed eyes so I quickly avert my gaze.

After 20 minutes, I am finally called back to speak with Dr. Wood. _Hehe. Dr. Wood. Grow up Cullen._ I follow Dr. Wood back to his office. Dr. Wood takes a seat behind a large oak desk and turns to me with a small smile. I can actually feel a glimmer of excitement now. This is finally happening, right?

"OK Mr. Cullen, I think we are ready to go today. Do you have any questions?"

I can't fight the smile on my face as he says this. "Please call me Edward. So, the insemination will be today?"

"Yes, in fact they should be finished prepping your sample within the hour and Mrs. Banner will be here at 3pm for the transfer. Because we do not expect any complications with either the transfer or any resultant pregnancy, we will do a blood test for hCG levels in two weeks. Obviously, we will contact you as soon as we get those results." Dr. Wood smiled again. "I understand that you and the Banners have been in contact throughout this process?"

"Yes, the Banners are friends of my brother Emmett's. Since Kate Banner has been a surrogate before, she seemed the obvious choice for me."

What I didn't say was that Kate Banner was the only choice for me. Garrett and Kate Banner had three great children. Since Kate had been a surrogate before and I knew she didn't want any more children of her own, I was confident in the fact that I would not be heading into some sort of Jerry Springer-esque baby drama where she would want her child back. The Banner's only request was for me to do my best as a single father and to keep in touch with them.

"Well, I guess your part is over for now. Our office will call you with the results of Mrs. Banner's blood test in two weeks. Until then, keep your fingers crossed and enjoy what will hopefully be the last few months of your 'freedom'." Dr. Wood grinned, stood up and shook my hand.

I left the office with a large grin on my face for the first time in weeks. It was happening. After all the soul-searching, negotiations, counseling and planning, I might actually be a father in 9 months. It wasn't the way I wanted it as I would much rather start a family in the more traditional sense, but that hadn't worked out for me. I was well aware that being a single father would hamper my search for a woman to share my life with, but my being a father was too important to me to put off any longer. If Kate got pregnant today, I would be a father in time for my 30th birthday. Maybe I would share a birthday with my son or daughter. _My son or daughter. Wow. I am going to be a father._ With that thought, I headed home.

**AN: So, that was my first lime. It was so much harder to write than I thought it would be. BPOV will be up next. Again, constructive criticism is requested and appreciated. I have never done anything like this before and don't have a beta so be kind.**


	4. I'm Going to be a Mother?

**AN: As always, S.M. owns Twilight. I own this mess.**

**Chapter 3 I'm Going to be a Mother?**

**BPOV**

As it turned out, the decision to have my baby was the simplest part of the last few months. (Yes, I include the conception in that blanket statement.) After my revelation at the coffeeshop, I spent the next few days in a sort of blind euphoria. _I was going to be a mom. Mom. Mama. Mommy._ Waves of excitement would crash over me at the oddest of times – going to the bathroom, eating, showering – I grin helplessly for hours on end.

I made an appointment with my OB/GYN as soon as I got back to my apartment. As I walked into the doctor's office for my first appointment, I felt like I should tell everyone in the waiting room that I was there for the OB part instead of the GYN part. Instead of dreading this visit with Dr. Denali, I felt like elbowing my way to the receptionist and demanding to be seen next.

As it turns out, a first prenatal appointment is not that different from an annual exam. I peed in the cup, stood on the scale, wore the paper gown and endured the PAP smear. It was only when the nurse came in the room to confirm to Dr. Denali that I was in fact pregnant that things changed.

"Well congratulations Bella! You are indeed pregnant." Dr. Denali consulted a little paper wheel and informed me that based on my last period, I was due August 4th. As it was December, that seemed so far away. I started to feel a bit like I was in a dream.

Dr. Denali started to go over everything – diet, birth defect risks, dos/don'ts – while her assistant handed me paper after paper. My eyes got wider and wider as I realized how much was involved in having a baby. When my rising panic became apparent, Dr. Denali stopped her prepared speech and looked me in the eye. "Bella, I know this was a surprise pregnancy and that you said you were going to have the baby by yourself, but remember two things: First, women have babies every day and manage to not only survive the process but enjoy it and second, you are NOT alone. You have friends and family that you can reach out to. Ask for help if you need it. You can call my office at any time with any questions or concerns. You will be fine."

I took a deep breath, forced a smile and thanked her. As she left to allow me to get dressed, I chanted "I will be fine. I will be fine." I have months to get myself prepared and ready. As I left her office carrying approximately 400 pages of pamplets and information, I decided to do what I always do. Prepare. Read. Learn. I jumped in a cab and set off to my neighborhood bookstore & coffeeshop.

Cradling my cup of decaf latte in my hands, I walked down the isle of pregnancy/parenting books. Wow. There are so many! How am I ever going to know all of this? Where do I start? Just as I feel myself begin to feel completely overwhelmed, the title 'What to Expect When Expecting' catches my eye. Oh. That sounds very helpful. I grab the book off the shelf and retreat to the classics sections where I feel my heartbeat returning to normal. Oh, the Bronte sisters, is there nothing you can't do? After browsing for a moment, I pick up a copy of 'Old Man and the Sea' – if I am pregnant with a boy, I will have to figure out why men think Hemingway is such a great author – and head to the checkout counter.

As I stand waiting for Joe to finish with the next customer, HE walks in. Oh, I knew today would be a good day. Mr. Green-eyed Goodness doesn't see me as he walks back to the coffeeshop and gets in line. Oh, the way those jeans hug his ass is just sinful. I make a note of the day and time. Although I have been surreptitiously oogling him for months, I have never detected a pattern to his infrequent visits to the shop. Mr. Green-eyed Goodness is beautiful – green eyes, bronze sex hair, broad shoulders, lean and tall – and completely out of my league. Unfortunately, my body doesn't know that because every single time I see him I can feel my panties immediately dampen. _Bella! Remember, you are going to be a mother. Men like him are definitely not into knocked-up socially inept writers with real boobs._ I pay for my books, steal one last glance at Mr. Green-eyes and leave for home.

The next few weeks fly by. I feel like super-woman as I breeze through the first trimester. Nausea? Yeah, but it is rare and mild. Sore boobs? No, but they look fantastic! Moody? I am too excited to be moody! Tired? Yes, but since I am my own boss, I finish my edits for my last book during naps. Life is beyond good. The only downside is my libido is higher than it has ever been and I have no one to help me out in that department. My vibrator and memories of Mr. Green-eyed Goodness are getting quite the workout.

As I end my first trimester, my phone calls with my sister Angela become more and more frequent. She is almost as excited by my pregnancy as I am.

"So, anymore thought as to moving to suburbia before you give birth?" she asks one evening.

"Yes. The more I think about raising a child in the city, the more I like the idea of living in a small house in the 'burbs. Even if I don't have the husband, I can have the 3 bedrooms, lawn and dog." I laugh at the idea of me and a dog. Not. Going. To. Happen.

"You know it is not a requirement. Kids are raised in the city all the time. You have plenty of room in your condo-"

I cut her off. "I know all of those things, but I feel the need to get out of the city. I love living here, but the noise, crowds and city filth just aren't what I want for my new life with my baby. Actually, I have already begun to look for houses."

Angela squeals "REALLY? Where? New Jersey? Long Island? Connecticut? Where? There are so many places you could go. If you move to New Jersey, you would only be an hour or so away from me and Ben you know."

I smile as I reassure her. "I am only looking in New Jersey. I want to be close to you guys but want to have easy access to the city. In fact, I have actually found a house I am thinking of putting an offer on. I will send you some pictures so you can tell me what you think."

"You better keep me updated Bella Marie Swan."

"I hear you Ange. Hopefully, you can help me move in soon. Hint Hint." We talk a few more minutes before we hang up and I go to bed.

Life continued to fly by at breakneck speed. I found a house in New Jersey. It was picture perfect, beautiful yard, lots of windows, new kitchen and a lovely master suite next to a small nursery room. Angela and Ben helped me unpack my few belongings I moved with me from the city. I decided to keep my condo in the city since I was unsure how much time I would need to spend in Manhattan so most of my furniture stayed there. With the 'nesting' urge in full swing, I uncharacteristically decide to hire an interior designer to help decorate my new home.

Esme Cullen of Cullen Interiors is beautiful. She has soft reddish hair and warm green eyes that literally brighten with her smile. I feel the overwhelming urge to hug her every time I meet with her. It must be my maternal urges. With no mother of my own, I must be searching for a replacement.

"So Bella, the painting will be complete on Tuesday and the furniture delivered on Thursday. We should have the entire house finished and ready for you by next Monday. Will that work for you?" Esme's voice floats through the phone line as I sit on the floor and stare out the French doors into the backyard.

"That sounds great. I will be in the city all next week to tie up loose ends with my editor anyway." I had been sleeping on an air mattress on the floor since I purchased the house. Even though I had no TV, couch or bed this house felt more like home than my condo ever did.

"I am so excited for you to see the completed nursery. It will be perfect for your new baby! Nurseries are my favorite room to design." She said the last part on a sigh.

"I have to admit that the nursery is also the room I am most excited to see finished. I wish I knew the baby's sex but with the primary color scheme, it should work for either a boy or a girl, right?" I don't know why I was looking for reassurance from Esme, but suddenly I felt the need.

"Oh yes. My youngest son is also expecting a baby at the beginning of August and we decorated the nursery in his house with primary colors since he also doesn't know if he will have a boy or girl. Besides, research has shown that babies see bright primary colors better than pastels."

"Oh, thank you. I guess I need reassurance every once in a while. Making every decision by myself is a bit overwhelming sometimes! Wait, did you say you will be a grandmother? You don't look old enough to have a grown son!" I couldn't believe it, Esme doesn't look a day over 45.

"Oh, thank you dear. I am definitely going to be a grandmother and I think I am more excited about it than anyone!" You could hear her smile through the phone. Esme was definitely thrilled about her new grandson/daughter.

After hammering out a few more last minute details, we hung up the phone. I continued to sit on the floor of my living room as the sun set and the room became dark. Suddenly, my stomach rumbled loudly. Goodness, I just ate 3 hours ago how can I be hungry again? That whole 'eating for 2' idea is no joke! Grabbing my keys to my new Volvo, I decide to run to the store for some food.

I find the nearest supermarket, park and grab a cart. As I make my way to the store, I see a flash of bronze hair in my peripheral vision. A quick double-take shows the back of a tall, lean man (with a superb ass) walking away from the store to his car. He reminds me of my Mr. Green-eyed Goodness from my old bookstore coffeeshop. Hmmm. If the 'burbs are also home to more yumminess like that, then my move to suburbia is looking better and better!

**AN: I hope you enjoyed reading. EPOV will be next. After that, some heartfail is ahead. I will try to give a 'tissue warning' before any chapters I think might need them.**

**Also, I am new at this writing thing. I am writing this for me, partly for therapy, partly for a challenge and for any readers. I really would appreciate a review – is this good? Bad? Moving too fast? Too slow? Boring? The story is based on my real life so I know it is realistic but I could use some feedback. Thanks.**


	5. I'm Going to be a Father?

**AN: S.M. owns Twilight. I own some baby drama.**

**Chapter 4: I'm Going to be a Father?**

**EPOV**

I'm going to be a father. Father. Dad. Daddy.

As I stare at the phone still clutched in my hand, I feel a grin form on my face. Such a short phone call completely changed my world. I am going to be a father. I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER!

My office phone rang at 10:12 AM. I had expected a call later today so the sight of the IVF center's number on the call display sent my heart into overdrive. I'm not a negative person by nature, but I have to admit that my hopes plummeted when I got the call early. Why run the test earlier than usual if not for bad news? As it turns out, Kate Banner had a scheduling conflict and had to have the blood test run earlier than anticipated. She dropped by the clinic office at 9:30, by 10:12 I knew I was a father. The baby's due date: August 4th.

I don't know how long I sat in my office staring out the window. People walked up and down the hall, doors opened and closed and I just sat there and tried to absorb the news. A knock on my door startled me out of my reverie.

"Hey dude. You OK?" Jasper walked slowly into my office and I reluctantly turned to face him.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm OK. I am great actually." I could feel the grin forming on my face get bigger and bigger. "Come on in and sit down. Close the door."

Jazz raised an eyebrow at me, but did as I asked. After he was settled into my extra chair, I blurted "I'm going to be a father." Wow. Saying the words aloud was even more exciting than hearing them from someone else. The grin seemed to be permanently stuck on my face.

Looking up, I noticed Jasper's eyes were about to pop out of his head. I think he was speechless as his mouth kept opening and closing without any sound coming out. Finally, he stammered "I didn't even know you were dating anyone. Ah, who is the lucky lady?"

"You are right, I'm not dating anyone. I am sure you remember when I decided to swear off dating for a while after the failure of my last relationship, well, I decided that I was not getting any younger. I want to be a father and not a father at 45 or 50. It is 2010, I don't need a wife or girlfriend to have a baby. Early last year, I began the process to have a child via a surrogate. Do you remember Emmett's friends Garrett and Kate Banner? She has been a surrogate before and agreed to carry my child for me. I just found out she was pregnant. By August of this year, I will be a Dad."

Jasper just stared at me. I began to wonder if he was in shock. Before I could run into the lab for some ammonia-based smelling salts, he smiled. "Well, congrats dude. You have always been fond of kids, goodness knows you are great with mine. I am just surprised that you didn't say anything to me. I'm your best friend – why keep it a secret?"

"Well, I wasn't sure it would work out. I only told my parents and Emmett after I had a signed contract with Kate. It didn't quite seem real until I actually got the phone call right now." Yup. Grin is _still_ on my face.

"Alice is going to freak out you know. She is still convinced she is going to find your soul-mate for you know." Jasper smirked at me. "Well, you have to tell her when I am around. I can't wait to see her face."

I winced. Alice was going to go nuclear when she found out. I knew she would be happy for me, but she would be a bit hurt that she was left out of the loop. Seeing as I would need her help and advice with regards to childcare, I was probably not starting out on the right foot with her. Speaking of childcare… "Jasper, how do I get on the waiting list for daycare at Company Care? I remember that you and Alice had to wait a few months before you could enroll Shane." Wow. I can't believe I am talking about daycare with Jasper. This is unreal.

Jazz grinned as though he also realized how surreal this conversation was. "You do need to get your name on an application ASAP. You can download the forms and just send them in via company mail. When exactly is your baby due anyway?"

"The baby is due August 4th so I would need a spot about a year from now. I plan on using about 4 to 6 months of Family Leave time when the baby is born so I can spend some time with the baby before I head back to work." A year from now, my life will be so different…

"Wow. Just wow. You have really have thought most of this through haven't you? Please don't tell me you have already converted your guest room into a nursery and purchased a bunch of onesies." We both laughed but I didn't mention that I had started to clean out the 3rd bedroom in my home in preparation of my mother's efforts to transform it into a nursery. I'll just keep that information to myself.

If I were a betting man, I would have put money on the fact that time would crawl waiting for days to pass during Kate's pregnancy. I would have lost. Time seemed to fly. Even though I did not attend Kate's doctor appointments with her, I was kept abreast of all of baby developments. I received sonogram pictures which papered my Fridge. My weekends were spent either doing home improvement projects that I wanted finished before the baby arrived or were spent with my mother while she went over ideas for the nursery. For once in my life, I was actually interested in what a room looked like.

April 2nd was a date that had been marked on my calendar for weeks. Today was the day of the diagnostic ultrasound. Kate's pregnancy was at the halfway mark and the ultrasound was to make sure the baby was healthy. Additionally, I would find out if I was going to have a little boy or girl. I honestly didn't care if I had a boy or girl, but I did want to know. I was ready to pick out a name and begin to refer to my baby by name rather than 'my baby'.

Kate invited me to this appointment, assuring me that she would be completely covered except for her belly. I couldn't wait to see my baby on the ultrasound screen and hear the heartbeat through the Doppler. It was like Christmas morning and my birthday wrapped into one. I rushed to the hospital and arrived 30 minutes early. Sitting in the waiting room, surrounded by very pregnant women, I felt incredibly out of place. When Kate arrived, I let out a sigh of relief.

"Feeling nervous?" she laughed.

"Oh yeah." I replied honestly. I know that this is her fifth time to be pregnant since she has 3 kids of her own and one surrogacy under her belt, but all of this was very new to me. Her calm attitude immediately settled me down.

"Please don't worry – this is one of the fun appointments. We will get to see everything about the baby – eyes, hands, feet, heart. It will really make it 'real' for you. I called ahead and arranged for them to record the exam on DVD. They don't normally do that for people, but since we are a special case I knew you would want something more than a few pictures to take home." I was stunned at how considerate Kate was to me.

"Thanks Kate" my throat closed on her name. I felt overwhelmed with emotion. I was saved from further conversation when they called Kate's name.

I followed Kate and the office assistant down the hallway to the ultrasound room. The room itself was fairly small. There were several monitors, the ultrasound equipment and a twin size hospital bed which filled the room. Kate removed her shoes and climbed up on the bed, I took the seat beside her. While she chatted with the technician who readied the equipment, I hurriedly glanced away when they lowered her slacks to further expose her belly. The physician entered the room and introduced himself to both of us before taking a seat and grabbing the ultrasound probe.

"Now before I get started, I need to know if you want to know the sex of your baby." He looked at Kate when he asked this question. Kate pointedly looked at me.

"Ah, yes. I want to know. I definitely want to know." I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans and turned to look at the monitor.

I peered at the black and white image on the screen. Not surprisingly, the first thing I noticed was the heartbeat. My baby's heart. It beat so quickly! The doctor began to take measurements while explaining what we were seeing – arm, leg, heart, liver, kidneys. Everything was there. My baby was there. I felt overwhelmed as every swipe of the wand revealed more and more of my child. Obsessed with looking at the baby's ribs, I was surprised to hear the doctor's voice say "It's a girl."

My breath caught in my chest. A girl. I was the father of a little girl. My eyes began to feel a bit glassy – I was going to be a father. Of a girl. I looked to Kate and she smiled and winked. "You'll be a great father to your little girl."

**AN: OK, we are now heading into drama and heartfail. However, I will also introduce Edward to Bella very soon so maybe that will help balance the sad with the happy. BPOV is up next.**

**Many, many thanks to iambananas for her review. You made my day!**


	6. Don't Cry

**AN: S.M. owns Twilight. I own a million fantasies staring Edward Cullen. I also owe a debt of gratitude for my reader that takes the time to review. Thanks bb! It means the world to me. This update is for you.**

**Chapter 5. Don't Cry.**

**BPOV**

I can't believe I am just over halfway through my pregnancy. Glancing at my calendar on the fridge for the umpteenth time, I stare at the date. I will be 22 weeks pregnant tomorrow - only 18 more weeks to go. _Unbelievable._ Staring out at the late evening rainy March weather, I place my hands on my belly to feel the baby move from both the outside and inside. It is times like this that I feel the absence of a husband acutely. _He would walk up behind me, put his hands around my belly and link his fingers with mine. Swaying gently, we would watch the sun set as we feel the baby move against our clasped hands. A gentle kiss on the top of my head, down my neck to my collarbone would lead to me sighing then pushing my ass back against his growing erection…_ Ugh. I am so horny. It is completely unfair that my libido is in overdrive while I am 120% single.

Tomorrow is the diagnostic ultrasound to see how the baby is doing. Hopefully, I will find out if I am having a boy or girl. I know everyone says that they don't care whether they have a boy or girl, but I really don't have a preference. Being a good mother trumps all other considerations in my book.

Wandering aimlessly around my home, I feel restless. Since I hit the halfway mark of my pregnancy, the last 3 weeks the baby seems to be so active. Every so often, it feels as though the baby is rolling over or doing an entire body 180. It is such a bizarre feeling but reassuring in a way – I know the baby is OK if the baby is moving. The kicks, flutters and movements never get old; I cherish each and every one. However, I am ready to see the baby with my own eyes on the ultrasound monitor tomorrow. The anticipation is killing me.

I walk slowly through my newly decorated house again. Esme Cullen did such a wonderful job. My home is beautiful, but warm and welcoming. The great room has luxurious, butter-soft leather couches with warm throws and pillows scattered around. My bedroom is comfortable and relaxing. Esme found room for a small reading nook in addition to my queen size bed and bedroom furniture. Even though I have not been in this house for long, I have found that my reading nook is one of my favorite places in the house to unwind with a cup of hot chocolate at the end of the day. My tour of the house ends in the nursery. As Esme promised, the baby's room is simply fabulous. Bright primary colors are splashed throughout the room; but for all the color, the room is still obviously for a baby. I stand by the crib and try to imagine my baby sleeping peacefully. Will I ever get used to the idea of me being a mother? My perma-grin widens as I try to picture a beautiful infant opening his/her eyes to me after waking from a nap.

I decide that a bath will settle my nerves and pass the evening. Kicking off my shoes in my closet, I pad barefoot into the master bathroom and start to fill the large garden tub with warm water. I plug in my iPod and select a 'soothing' playlist. As I drop my clothing into the hamper, I look over my naked body in the bathroom mirror. My pregnant body is so different yet so beautiful. My breasts have filled out, my belly is softly plumped and my face literally glows. My grin threatens to completely overtake me. A little giggle escapes as I take a look at my belly and literally _see_ a baby part move underneath the skin of my stomach. Closing my eyes, I vow to never take this pregnancy for granted and to remember every minute of it.

Slipping into the water, I can't help but sigh. The water feels soooo good against my skin. Grabbing a soft cloth, I wet my face then trail the wet fabric down my neck. _Ummmm._ Again, this is where a husband would come in handy. Fixing a picture of Mr. Green-eyed Goodness in my mind, I imagine him stepping into the bath behind me. _I lean back against his muscular chest and feel his erect cock against the small of my back. _Imaging my hands as his, I trail my fingers down to my breasts._ Green eyes starts to place open mouth kisses on the nape of my neck as his hands cup my breasts. His long fingers gently pull and pinch my nipples. I arch my back to gain even more contact with his hands. I can feel him smile against my neck. "Anxious are we?" his rich voice asks._ Hmmmm. Oh, it feels so good. My left hand stays at my nipple while my right hand glides over my belly toward my pussy._ "Let's see how wet for me you really are" he says as his hand caresses my slit. "Oh Bella, you want this don't you?" All I can do is moan. His hand finds my clit and begins to make soft circles around it. Suddenly, I feel his left hand at my entrance and he slips his finger into me. "Oh god, so good. So good." I can't stop moaning. I needed this so much. As he inserts another finger into me and starts to pump in and out, his other hand has found the perfect rhythm to rub my clit. I feel myself rushing toward orgasm. Oh, it is so good. The pace picks up just a bit and I suddenly am flooded with my climax. _Oh, I can feel my entire belly tense with my orgasm. So good. So Good. I sigh with the relief. Oddly, I must have woken the baby because I can feel the baby do another full body roll. My belly is still tensing every few minutes as the high from the climax slowly wears off.

XOXO

April 1st, otherwise known as April Fool's Day, is the day of my big ultrasound. Smiling as I open the door to the waiting room, I check in with the receptionist. I send a quick text to Angela letting her know I got here and will call her when I am finished. Ange tried so hard to rearrange her schedule so she could be here with me, but she could not get enough time off to make it to the appointment. I really didn't mind, it is more important that she be there for the birth than for anything else.

Since I am the first appointment of the afternoon, I am called back to the exam room quickly. The room is smaller than a bedroom. It is filled with TV monitors and equipment as well as a large hospital-like twin bed with real cotton sheets! Hmmm. No narrow hard exam bed in here! Thank god. The assistant directs me to lie on the bed on my back. She helps me inch my pants down past my hipbones then tucks a cotton towel into the waistband of my pants to protect them from the blue/green ultrasound goop.

As she is prepping me for the exam, she asks the standard questions: "When are you due?" "Do you want to know the sex?" "Do you have any special questions or concerns for the doctor?"

I answer each question: "August 4th" "Yes, please tell me as soon as you see anything (or a lack of something)". I pause at the last question. Do I want to mention that weird baby movement, belly tensing that happened last night after I masturbated? God this is embarrassing. I decide to mention the symptoms but leave out what 'caused' the whole incident.

"Well, I have noticed that in the past three weeks that the baby seems to be moving rather 'forcefully'. It feels as if he/she is doing a full body turn in my belly. I didn't think much of it, but then I noticed that my entire belly got hard to the touch during one of these little episodes." I rush to say, "None of it hurt though. It was completely painless."

"Well, I think you are a bit early to be having Braxton-Hicks contractions that are that strong and frequent, but it is not unheard of." She smiles, "We'll check you out."

The technician, Joy is her name, continues to get things ready for the doctor. As she is typing my name into the computer, I feel one of those total-body-baby-movements. "Hey Joy, the baby is doing that baby-movement thing. Check it out."

She turns and looks at my stomach before she puts her hand on my belly. "Oh, that is not the baby, that is actually a Braxton-Hicks contraction. What you are feeling is your uterus contracting."

"Really? It isn't my whole belly though. It seems to sort of move from one side to another." Joy just smiles and nods while I tell her this. Oh. I guess this is something they don't tell you in the books. I feel a bit like an idiot. What do I know though? It is not like I have ever been this pregnant before.

"While we are waiting for Dr. Ash to arrive, let me go ahead and get some preliminary pictures for you." She squirts what seems to be an entire bottle of the blue/green goo on my belly. Thankfully, it is warm and not icy. She starts to move the probe down toward my pubic bone. "See this? This is the baby's head, it appears to be head down." She continues to move the probe. "I'm just going to check your cervix since you have been having some contractions" she mentions offhandedly. The probe goes lower and lower. At this point, it feels like she is trying to push the probe behind my pubic bone. Her face is pretty blank; since she doesn't look upset, I just sit back and enjoy hearing the baby's heartbeat and seeing the baby's head. After a few moments, she gets ups and tells me she is going to see what is taking Dr. Ash so long.

Dr. Ash and Joy return quickly. The doctor introduces himself to me, sits down next to the bed and takes the probe. He starts at the top of my uterus. As he moves the probe down, I can see ribs, an arm and a hand quickly fill the screen then disappear. I can't stand it anymore and blurt out "Is it a girl or a boy?" then grin sheepishly.

"Oh, it is a boy. You are going to have a little boy."

My mind is suddenly overwhelmed. A little boy. I am going to be the mother of a baby boy. I am yanked out of my revere by the feeling of the ultrasound probe once more being pressed down into my lower abdomen. Both Dr. Ash and Joy are quiet but they do not look worried or too serious. After about 5 more minutes, I ask what they are looking for.

"Well, we are trying to get a measurement of your cervix and can't quite get it. We are going to have to use the vaginal probe to be able to see it. A vaginal probe will allow us to see your cervix directly and we can see what is going on."

A feeling of dread settles into my stomach. Dr. Ash and Joy seem pretty calm, but this isn't their baby they are dealing with. It is mine. My little boy. Joy directs me to a corner of the room and tells me to remove my pants and underwear. I grab the sheet that they give me and return to the table. Dr. Ash is holding what appears to be a giant dildo. He places a glob of goo at the end then rolls a condom over the probe. If I weren't a bit freaked out, I would think the whole thing is funny. I am instructed to 'assume the position' – knees up and spread. Dr. Ash inserts the probe into my cooter gently and looks around for about 6o seconds then removes it. At this point, the calm masks slip and they both look a bit ashen faced.

"Bella. You have no cervix. You are completely effaced and dilated." I stare at him blankly. I had only skimmed the chapter on the whole birth thing. Cervixes don't get mentioned until then. I was not even in my 3rd trimester! It wasn't time to talk about my cervix! My head is spinning and I feel sick. Dr. Ash's voice snaps me back to reality, "I want to do a quick vaginal exam."

Joy opens a door to reveal another room with the standard exam room torture table. I carefully sit down on the end of the table, lay back and put my feet in the stirrups. Dr. Ash walks over and grabs a speculum. After inserting it, he looks then quickly removes it. I hear him mutter to Joy something that sounds like "her membranes are bulging" before he leaves the room. I start to take deep breaths while Joy indicates that I should get dressed.

Oh. My. God. This is not good. This is not good. This is not good. I piece together that my cervix is completely open and my 'bag of waters' is pushing out into my vagina. The phrase 'incompetent cervix' floats around somewhere in my head. The numbness wears off after about 1 minute and I feel the earth-shattering sobs begin to make their way up my being. I start to cry. Sob. Dr. Ash comes in with a wheelchair, asks me to take a seat then pushes me to his office. He quickly gets on the phone with my ob/gyn. Luckily, Dr. Ash and Dr. Levi's office are on the same floor in the office building that is connected to the hospital. I try to squash the sobs so I can hear what Dr. Ash is saying to me. "… be admitted to the hospital…Labor & Delivery is the ICU for pregnant women…We will do everything we can to help you stay pregnant for as long as we can."

My ob/gyn Dr. Levi arrives and starts to push me out of the office. I know enough about hospital procedures to know that physicians do NOT push patients around in wheelchairs. The realization that the doctor is personally wheeling me over to Labor & Delivery hammers home the life & death seriousness of this situation. I feel the sobs start to break loose again. Dr. Ash looks at me and says sternly "Crying will not help anything. It just puts pressure on your cervix. Don't cry."

Don't cry? Are you kidding me? I am facing the probable death of my baby son! However, as I quickly process his words I realize this is one thing I can do for my baby. If crying puts pressure on my cervix which is bad, then I won't cry. I would walk across hot coals if it kept my son alive and healthy. I lock my jaw, take a deep breath and attempt to clear my head.

I don't cry again.

**AN: Yeah. Sorry to leave it there. BPOV will continue next chapter I think. Please be patient, E&B will meet very soon.**

**Please take the time to review. It really would mean the world to me if I knew what everyone was thinking. I am really flying blind here.**


	7. Upside Down

**AN: Yeah, SM owns Twilight. I own this.**

**Chapter 6: Upside Down**

**BPOV**

_One, two, three, four, five, wait… is that five or six?_

For the millionth time, I try and fail to count the ceiling tiles in my room. One would think that wouldn't be so difficult, but it is next to impossible. The levels of magnesium sulfate in my body are so high that my eyes won't focus leaving me with double vision which makes counting the ceiling tiles an exercise in frustration.

After Dr. Levi wheeled me to Labor & Delivery, the chaotic situation already in place there became even wilder. As I sat in the wheelchair giving my information to the secretary for admission, I could hear Dr. Levi demanding that I be given a bed ASAP. Apparently, all the rooms were full of laboring women, so as a last resort, I was assigned a stretcher in the C-section recovery room.

A nurse quickly wheeled me next to the stretcher and pulled the curtain around. After I stripped down and donned one of the one-size-only-fits-huge-people hospital gowns, I climbed up on the "bed". Another nurse came in and quickly hooked the belts around me to monitor the baby's heartbeat and my contractions. I had a small moment of relief when I could hear my son's heartbeat going strong. _Thank God._ My relief was short lived when I chanced a glance at the monitor and noticed that my contractions were coming on every 2-3 minutes. There are no words to express the fear that ran through me when I could actually _see_ the contractions on the monitor. Nurses started to swarm like bees once I got on the bed. They quickly manipulated the stretcher into something call 'Trendelenberg' when is a fancy way of saying that my head was lowered below the level of my heart. I was officially upside down. It was explained that they hoped that by being upside down, that the amniotic sac that held my baby would retreat back into my uterus and the pressure on my 'cervix' would be lessened. An IV was started and they began pumping me full of medications to try and stop the contractions. I was fitted with 'boots' around my calves which were basically blood-pressure cuffs that expanded every ~2 minutes to try and keep the blood moving in my body. Nurses came in and out – my blood was taken every 4 hours to monitor the level of drugs in my body. I was not allowed out of bed so I was forced into the indignity of using a bedpan.

As awful as this introduction to the Labor & Delivery unit was, the worst was listening to the women coming out of anesthesia from their C-sections. Family members came in and out to talk to these happy women about their beautiful healthy full-term babies. My heart clinched every time another woman was wheeled into the recovery room. The conversations were all the same: "How is the baby?" "Oh, he/she is so beautiful." "I can't believe how big he/she is!" "The baby is doing great." Tears welled in my eyes as I gave into the fantasy that I was here because I just gave birth to a healthy full-term baby boy. Mr. Green-eyed Goodness would be sitting my side telling me how well our son was doing, how beautiful he is. Dwelling in my fantasy, I continued to lay there and eavesdrop on these conversations while nurses did everything in their power to try and halt my labor in its path.

Twenty-four hours after I was admitted, I was finally moved into a room. As happy as I was that I was leaving my 'temporary' housing in the recovery room, I knew that moving to a real room was not going to magically make my stay easier. My worries were confirmed when I took in the surroundings. Off in the corner was a baby warmer. Obviously in a delivery room, they were set up to deliver babies. Unfortunately in my case, I didn't want to deliver my baby for at least 3 more months.

Just as I got settled into my room, Angela and Ben burst through the door. Tears ran down Ange's face as she rushed to my bed to kiss my cheek. Ben hung back by the door looking slightly green. After giving me a slight wave, he excused himself to get some coffee and gave Angela and I some privacy.

"Oh, I am so sorry I wasn't here for you" Angela sniffed.

"It's OK. There is no way you could have known. I am just so glad you are here now." Words seemed inadequate to describe how happy I was to see her. Having Angela in the room seemed to make the entire place seem less intimidating.

"What is happening? What are they doing? How bad is it? Will-"

I interrupted her rapid-fire questions by shooting her a look. Taking a deep breath, I told her the short version of what I knew. "They are giving me 48 hours in this upside down bed before they check to see if my membranes have retreated enough that they can perform a 'rescue cerlage' to sew up cervix up. I will stay on the anti-contraction drugs until my uterus settles down." I paused then said "Ange, I will probably be stuck in the hospital until I deliver." We both just looked at each other while the unspoken question loomed between us. I finally swallowed and whispered, "The baby is healthy right now, but if he were to be born today, he wouldn't survive. He really doesn't have a chance until he is 24 weeks and even then he only has a 10% chance to live. To have a good chance of survival without horrible long-term complications, I need to stay pregnant until 28 weeks. That is 42 days from now."

Angela reached out a grabbed my hand. We sat like that in silence until Ben came back.

22 weeks, 2 days

I woke today feeling sick with anxiety. Trying to be quiet since Angela was still fast asleep in the chair beside me, I rolled from one side to another so I could stare out the window to my room. Today was the day that the doctor's would try to stitch my cervix closed.

At 8:00 AM after the muffin cart came through and served Angela a blueberry muffin and coffee, Dr. Levi entered the room.

"Well, today is the day" he said in a cheery voice. I forced a smile and tried to swallow back my nausea. Thank goodness I wasn't allowed to eat this morning or I would have barfed all over his Italian loafers.

Angela ran her fingers through my hair as he explained the procedure and risks. "We are going to give you some spinal anesthesia then try to close your cervix. The major risk is infection as well as the potential to nick the membrane and cause your 'bag of waters' to break. Any questions?" Ange and I looked to each other. Both of us had questions but we knew no one knew the answer to any of them. Only time would tell if I were able to stay pregnant and take a healthy baby home. The saying 'take one day at a time' was my new mantra.

After a goodbye kiss from Angela, I was transferred into the OR. Because I was still unable to sit up, the anesthesiologist had to give me my spinal injection while I was lying on my side. The OR staff then strapped my legs into some industrial stirrups and literally hung me upside down. Closing my eyes I ignored the doctors while I dreamt of Mr. Green-eyed Goodness. In this world, he was holding my hand and we were watching our son play at the park with his friends. Mr. Green-eyes had his arm around me and I felt safe. Loved. Secure.

"Bella, we are finished now. We are going to take you back to your room. You still need to stay on complete bed-rest, but the cerclage was successful. This is good news."

22 weeks, 4 days

Angela was gathering up my few possessions and throwing them in a plastic bag. Being stuck on hospital bed rest had narrowed down the list of what I considered essential provisions – deodorant, hairbrush and chapstick.

Today was the day that I was getting out of pregnancy ICU (aka Labor & Delivery). I was being moved down to the Mother & Baby ward. I have to admit that I was dreading the move on some level. First, I didn't relish the thought of being on a floor where every other mother had a baby. Second, in some odd way, I felt more secure on the L&D floor. I knew the nurses here could monitor my ever present contraction monitor 24/7 and they were always looking for problems. In my move down to M&B, I was stable enough to be monitors for only 2 hours a day as long as nothing changed. I couldn't go home, but I could get out from under the eagle eyes of the L&D nurses. The move was a good thing from a medical perspective, but it scared me to death.

Angela took another day off work to keep me company during the move to my new room. She was my touchstone for sanity. Even though she was my younger sister, she was taking the role of our absent mother. I loved her for it.

The move was pretty uneventful. I was settled in by mid-afternoon. To celebrate my move, Angela had brought in some Italian take-out for dinner so I could skip the repetitive hospital cuisine. We ate delicious mushroom ravioli, watched terrible reality TV and talked about nothing at all. If it weren't for the fact that I was still upside down and bed-ridden, I could have convinced myself that it was just a normal evening at home.

After Angela had packed up in preparation to go home to Ben for the evening, she grabbed the bedpan to help me go to the bathroom. Using a bedpan is an exercise in humiliation. There is no other way to put it. Not a day had gone by that I hadn't cried over having to use one. Knowing how upset I was over having to use one, Angela always tried to help me rather than making me call the nurses. After I used the bed pan and was hefting myself off the pan back onto the bed, I felt a small gush of fluid in between my legs. Embarrassed, I asked Angela to get me a washcloth and a new pad for the bed. As I turned over, I felt another small trickle of fluid. "Ange, I am leaking." I whispered. I could feel the color drain from my already pale face.

"What do you mean? You're leaking?" she looked at my ashen face and knitted her brows.

"I have to call the nurse. Oh my god."

Still confused, Angela grabbed the call button from my frozen hand and summoned the nurse. My night nurse entered a few seconds later and paused when she saw us frozen and staring at each other.

"What do you need sweetie?" she asked.

"I think I may be leaking amniotic fluid" I croaked. Ange's head swiveled to face me. "I keep feeling a trickle of liquid in between my legs."

"OK, I will call the resident on-call and grab a test strip to see if it is amniotic fluid or just urine. Take some deep breaths to try and calm yourself. Why don't you drink some water to make sure you are extra hydrated and I will be right back." With that, the nurse left the room and briskly walked down the hall.

In less than 5 minutes, the nurse was back with a young resident in tow. Neither said a word as the resident took the test strip out of her pocket and leaned over the edge of my bed. "I am just going to test the liquid, OK?" she said as she pulled the covers back. We both looked down to see my thighs wet with clear fluid. More fluid trickled out every time I moved or took a deep breath. The resident wet the paper and looked at it briefly. She sat on the edge of my bed, took a deep breath, grabbed my hand and told me that it was amniotic fluid; my water had broken.

I was only 22 weeks pregnant and my water was broken. Everyone in the room knew that if I gave birth now, my son would not survive.

Angela quietly re-packed my things as they transferred me back to Labor and Delivery.

**AN: Thanks for reading. I would be happy to update sooner, but honestly, I am not sure anyone is that interested since only one person is bothering to leave me a review. I don't want to beg, but I do want to improve my writing. Please take two seconds to tell me what you think.**


	8. The Long Haul

**AN: Twilight isn't mine (duh).**

**Sorry for the delay in chapters. I got a bit bummed that no one is leaving me any reviews. I have lots of 'hits' and 'visitors' but few reviews. At this point, I am ready to beg for bad reviews! Thanks to iambananas and cocoalvin for keeping me motivated!**

**I don't have a beta so any errors are my own. Let me know if you see any that are horrific!**

**Chapter 7: The Long Haul**

**BPOV **

This nightmare never seemed to end. My water has broken. Doesn't that mean I HAVE to give birth? Once I got back to Labor & Delivery, I was informed that they would continue to try to keep me pregnant. Apparently, amniotic fluid is essentially baby urine so the baby was constantly making more to replace the amount that was trickling out of me. So although I was back in Labor & Delivery, not much had changed in my treatment. My bed was still slanted upside down, I never so much as sat up in bed much less got up to shower or go to the bathroom. My meals were even eaten lying upside down in bed. We were all playing a waiting game – would my body start contracting and be unable to stop? Would I develop an infection from my ruptured membranes? Would my son develop an infection?

A neonatologist came to talk to me when I was 22 weeks, 5 days pregnant. As a specialist dealing with premature babies, he wanted to make sure I knew what I faced in the upcoming days. What he had to say was very bleak. First, the major risk of having ruptured membranes was infection for the baby. Premature babies who become infected have so much trouble fighting off the infection. Once a preemie becomes septic, they have only a 50% chance of survival. Additionally, there is a question about lung development for my son. Amniotic fluid serves several purposes. In addition to providing a cushion for the baby in the womb, it is also used to help develop their lungs. Babies 'practice' breathing the fluid while developing. No one knows at what point in development it is crucial to have enough amniotic fluid for lung development; but it is possible that my child could be born without functioning lungs. Finally, for all intents and purposes, babies just didn't survive if born before 24 weeks. Yes, you hear news stories and word of mouth reports of people who have 24 week babies that live, BUT those are the minority. The babies that don't survive don't make the news.

Angela and I listened to the doctor with sinking hearts. Keeping me pregnant for another 10 days (which was a long shot) would only get my son to 24 weeks (where he only had about a 10% chance to live and 90% chance to have serious health problems). For my son to have a fighting chance at life without major medical or developmental problems, I really needed to stay pregnant for 28 weeks. I have 35 more days to go. Angela and I grabbed each other's hands and sat in silence after the doctor left. There was nothing to say.

After 2 days in L&D, I was moved back to down to mother/baby unit. My days settled into a routine:

5AM – anti-contraction medication

5:15 AM – vitals taken

5:30AM – hooked up to a machine that allowed fetal heart rate and contractions to be monitored for 30-45 minutes

6:30 AM – blood drawn to check for infection

7:30 AM – muffin cart arrives!

8:30 AM – breakfast

9:00 AM – vitals taken, nurse visit

10:00 AM – doctors visited

11:00 AM – more medicine

11:30 AM – sponge bath

12:30 PM – lunch

13:00 – fetal heart rate/contractions monitored for 30 min

14:00 – vitals taken

17:00 – more medicine

18:00 – vitals taken, dinner served

22:00 – vitals taken

23:00 – more medicine

As awful as being in the hospital was (I got no more than 4 hours of sleep in a row), I welcomed the routine as it helped keep me sane. My normal temperature and bloodwork meant that no infection was present. Twice a day I got to hear my son's heart rate. I gladly took the medicine because I knew it kept my womb as quiet as possible. I believed if my son and I survived yesterday, then we would survive today. Each day needed to be exactly like the day before – if nothing changed, then we were still here and I was still pregnant.

23 Weeks

I still hadn't shed any tears since Dr. Ash found my incompetent cervix. However, I did find myself battling severe depression and found myself shutting down. I was wracked with admittedly irrational guilt – should I have known that I was having contractions? What kind of idiot doesn't know that they are having contractions? What if I hadn't been fantasizing 24/7 over Mr. Green-eyed Goodness? Did those orgasms trigger the contractions that opened my cervix? I had a history of endometriosis so I should have known that I was at higher risk of pregnancy complications, right?

Angela was an absolute saint during this time. We had the same conversations over and over again.

"_Bella, you are not to blame for this. You KNOW there is nothing you did wrong." _

_I roll from one side to another with the help of the handrails on the bed then rearrange to blankets to make sure I am not mooning my sister. "Yes, rationally I know this, but I still can't help the little voice in my head that wants to blame me. I am the 'mama' and I am supposed to keep him safe. He isn't even 24 weeks gestational age and I feel like I am a failure!"_

"_B, look at me." I reluctantly turn my head to face her. "You will be a great mother. How many women would be able to spend weeks in bed without so much as sitting up? You are doing what good mothers do – you are doing your best for your child."_

_I manage to smile at her, then change the subject. "Let's wash my hair shall we?"_

Washing my hair was an exercise in water management. Angela would take the headboard off the bed then gather several pitchers of warm water and a bin to catch it. I would slide down until my head was hanging off the end of the bed. She would pour water over my head and catch the excess in the bin on the floor. Because my hair was so long and thick, it took almost 10 pitchers of water to get it clean. Additionally, because I was not able to sit up, brushing my hair was difficult and drying it was next to impossible. After, she was finished washing my hair, she would replace the headboard then I would pull myself up my bed using the handrails. The entire process took almost 30 minutes from start to finish.

Bathing was also quite the challenge. I took daily 'kitty baths' using a basin of warm water and a soapy washcloth. Again, I couldn't sit up, so I had to have a nurse or Angela wash my legs and feet. The hardest part of the bathing sessions was on the off days when they would change the bed linens. Again, because I couldn't get up, I would roll to one side while they removed the old bedding and replaced it, then I would roll onto the clean side while they repeated the process on the other side. It was exhausting and humiliating.

It was usually when I was tired and feeling vulnerable that we would have the following conversation:

"_Ange, I know there is a good chance that I will have to have a C-section. If I am in the OR getting fixed up, I want you in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) with my son. I don't want him to be alone."_

"_Oh, Bella, of course I will stay with him until you can get there."_

"_Ange, if something happens…" my voice breaks off in a dry sob. I must not cry. I take a deep breath and try again, "If something happens, and he isn't doing well, I want you to hold him. I don't want him to die while hooked up to machines and splayed out on an exam table. If he dies, I want it to be in a loving embrace. Promise me you will hold him. Promise me." At this point, Angela is openly sobbing and I am grinding my teeth to ash to keep from crying._

24 weeks

On the first day of my 24th week being pregnant, something did happen. Luckily, it did not really change my comforting routine, but it did provide some entertainment that I so desperately needed.

The room that I was assigned to was situated right by the nurses' station so when my door was left open, I was able to hear most of the conversations that occurred there. Being a mother/baby unit, I was very used to hearing the sounds of happy relatives and friends visiting the brand new families. Normally, I studiously ignored these celebrations. I worked hard not to give into self-pity as I had no husband/boyfriend who could be a father to my son and I obviously didn't want to deliver anytime soon anyway. However, on this day, the tone of the conversations was a bit different. Instead of the excited ramblings, I heard quiet nervous voices asking hushed questions that were asked in a gentle confident voice by the charge nurse. It took me a while to realize that a tour of the unit was going on.

"_Will I get a private room? I must have a private room!"_ - Oh, those poor nurses have themselves a Princess out there. _"Is this the size of the bathroom? Where is the garden tub? If I pay more, can I get a larger room?"_

"_Can you tell me about response times in emergencies? How about the rate of hospital acquired infections on this floor?"_ - And I thought the Princess was bad, this Dad is definitely in 'panic mode'.

"_I need to have my baby in a quiet peaceful environment so that that her aura will calmly transfer from my presence to her own. A baby cannot start life with a red aura."_ – WTF? As if I didn't have enough to worry about, that lady thinks I need to worry about the color of my son's aura when he is born?

"_OK, I told my doctor that I want a natural childbirth with no drugs; but I do want an epidural. Can you write that down?"_ OK, I just have to giggle at that. What does she think is going to be in the epidural? Drug free pain meds?

As the group finally shuffled past the door to my room, I heard a smooth, velvety voice murmur _"I am so glad that you are calm and reasonable about all this. I can't thank you enough."_ Finally! It is great to hear from a father who truly appreciates his wife's experience. Although if I were honest with myself, I would acknowledge a deep stab of jealousy. I want a father for my son and a 'soulmate' for me. I want someone to share the burden of this pain and heartache and fear. My sister has been great to visit me often and support me during the last couple of weeks, but it is not the same.

25 weeks

As the days pass by, nothing really changes. My routine is the same. I am still confined to a bed while lying on one side or another. Angela and Ben visit as often as they can. At the beginning of every week, I undergo an ultrasound to make sure that the baby still has some amniotic fluid and is growing appropriately. I request the presence of a neonatologist to keep me updated on what would happen if I were to give birth this week. The neonatologist mantra of "one day in the womb is equal to 2 days in the NICU" keeps me going. I must stay pregnant to give my son a fighting chance.

It is during this week that I decide to settle on a name for my son. He deserves it. I run through a baby name book that Angela brought by at one point. The book is huge – there are so many options! I start at the beginning in the A's. I stumble upon the name Anthony which just seems right. I never had much of an opinion on the name Anthony before, but the name just settles into place. It 'clicks'. Anthony. His middle name will be Charles in honor of my father. _Anthony Charles Swan_. Perfect.

26 weeks, 6 days

So tomorrow will be the first day of my 3rd trimester. I am so excited that I got this far. For the first time ever, I feel like I may reach 28 weeks. After tomorrow, I only have 7 more days before Anthony reaches a much safer gestational age.

27 weeks, 4 hours

4:00 AM

When the aide comes in for my early morning vitals check, it is discovered that I have a temperature. 100°F. Oh no. My nurse is called. Blood work is taken. The nurse calls Dr. Levi, I call Angela and I wait.

6:00 AM

The doctor comes in with the nurse in tow. My blood work is back and shows an elevated white count to indicate an infection. My temperature is just over 100° so it is rising. The nurse starts an IV and starts pumping me full of fluid. Angela arrives with Ben in tow. They both look ashen. Angela has to leave the room after we make eye contact. I can hear her crying in the hall.

7:00 AM

The neonatologist and Dr. Levi talk for a long time at the nurses' station. I can hear their voices but not what they are saying. Neither one sounds particularly chipper. After 30 minutes, Dr. Levi returns to the room.

"Bella, as you are aware, your blood work results and fever are signs of infection. You have been started on antibiotics, but we are most concerned about your son-"

"Anthony" I blurt out. I need him to be big and strong enough to have a name.

"Right. Sorry. Anthony is still very fragile at this point. However, as you have been told, infection in a premature infant is a very serious matter. Right now, we have to balance the risk of him staying _in utero_ and getting infected or being born 13 weeks prematurely. To be honest, there is no clear-cut path to take here. Do you have any questions?"

I guess he must have read the distress on my face because he quickly added, "Right now, we have a call into the maternal-fetal medicine specialist who has been consulting on your case. As soon as I hear from him, I will come back to talk to you. In the meantime, do not eat or drink anything in case we deliver Anthony today."

8:30 AM

The aide comes in to take my temperature again. 101°F. Damn.

10:00AM

Dr. Levi walks into the room followed by two nurses. The nurses smile at me and start to unplug my IV pump and ready my bed for transport. "Well, with the increase in your temperature, we have decided to go ahead and deliver Anthony today. We are going to move you up to L&D."

Both Angela and I gasp. Even though I knew this was coming, I am suddenly filled with nerves and panic. Oh my god. Today is the day I will be a mother. Will Anthony survive? Will he be healthy? Will he have _lungs_? Will I be able to hold him? I am going to be a mother? A chant starts in the corner of my brain: "_Please let Anthony be alright. Please let Anthony be alright. Please let Anthony be alright._"

I am moved up to L&D with Angela trailing behind me. As I am being pushed into the elevator, out steps a panicked looking Mr. Green-eyed Goodness! If I weren't so wrapped up in my own world, I would have accused him of stalking me. Mr. Green-eyed run/walks down the hall toward the nurses' station and out of my sight.

10:30 AM

Once the nurses have settled me in a room in L&D, Dr. Levi walks in and grabs a chair to talk with me. This is the first time he has ever taken the time to sit down, so I am immediately on guard.

"Bella, we need to talk about the delivery. I don't know whether or not you had your heart set on a vaginal delivery, but in this case it might not be the best option." Dr. Levi looks hesitant to me. Like he is trying to break bad news. I almost laugh.

I look him straight in the eye (or as much as I can while lying upside down in bed). "Dr. Levi, I would definitely much rather have a vaginal delivery rather than have you cut open my belly, BUT I feel very strongly that the purpose of labor is to bring a healthy baby into the world. My 'experience' with the delivery is a far second to that. I am not one of these women who will feel deprived because I had to have a C-section. My _only_ priority is Anthony's safe birth. If you feel that a C-section is the best way to achieve that, then that is what we will do."

"Well, a C-section would be my recommendation for several reasons. First, Anthony is not head down, he is breech. Additionally, we really want him to be delivered sooner rather than later so we can get him started on antibiotics. Do you have any questions?" I shake my head. "Well, if not, let us get this done."

At this point, things start happening quickly. While Angela stands by the head of my bed and murmurs encouragement, nurses buzz in and out of the room prepping me for surgery. For the first time in 35 days, my bed is raised so it is horizontal to the floor. Wow. What a difference!

11:15 AM

A wheelchair is pushed into my room so I can be transferred to the OR. I _slooooowwwwly_ sit up in bed. Wow. I feel funky. After a few minutes to get my bearings, I am helped to my feet so I can move to the wheelchair.

I turn my head to look toward Ange who is standing back my bed. Our eyes meet. Her eyes are swimming with tears. I can see the excitement/apprehension/dread/wonder/terror in her face. I know I look the same way. "I love you Ange. Please remember your promises to me." She lets out a dry sob and covers her mouth with her hand. The nurse turns my wheelchair and I am pushed down the hall toward the OR. In 30 minutes, I will be a mother.

**AN: Yeah. A bit of a cliffie, but it seemed to be a good place to leave the chapter. EPOV will be next. I anticipate them actually talking to each other in the chapter after that. Slow burn people.**

**Also, Bella's medical experience is almost 100% my real life. Obviously some minor details have been changed. If you have any questions, please ask.**


	9. Pressure is Rising

**AN: S.M. owns Twilight. I own a bathtub that is filthy from this evening's baths. Sigh. Also, the story is mine and based on my life. The names of the NICU nurses are the first names of the nurses who took care of my babies. 'Kim' is the fabulous Kimpy0464 who helped me get all the NICU stuff right. Go hug a nurse today. They deserve the recognition.**

**Chapter 8: Pressure is Rising**

**EPOV**

As soon as I left the ultrasound appointment with Kate, I speed walked to my car. Once inside, I called my mother at work to tell her good news.

"This is Esme Cullen speaking."

I could feel the smile on my face as I answered, "Hey, Mom. I was just calling to tell you that the ultrasound appointment with Kate went really well. The baby is really healthy – ten fingers, ten toes." I stopped there just so I could torture her a bit.

"Oh, that is great. I hope you got me some more sonogram pictures for my fridge." I could hear her take a deep breath before she demanded, "Now… is it a boy or a girl?" I didn't know Mom would be that excited! Now I was really going to mess with her.

"I didn't think it mattered, Mom. You said you didn't care if it was a boy or girl and goodness knows I would take either. I didn't even ask—"

"Oh don't give me that line of bull Edward Anthony Cullen! Is it a boy or a girl?" Man, I can't get away with anything with her.

I took a deep breath which hitched in my chest. "It's a girl Mom. I am going to be a father to a baby girl."

"Oh, Edward. You are going to be a great Daddy." I could hear the tears in her voice. "Do you have a name yet?"

"Actually, I do. Her name is Elizabeth Marie. I wanted to name her after Grandmother Elizabeth." At this point, I could hear Mom sobbing on the phone. She was very close to her mother and I am sure she was touched that her first grandchild would be her mother's namesake. "Mom, I need get back to work. We can all celebrate this weekend OK?"

"That's great Edward. I love you."

"Love you too Grandma!" I hung up while she sputtered and choked.

The next few weeks flew by. I continued to work long hours in the lab in preparation of the time I would be taking off once Elizabeth arrived. Kate's OB appointments were every 2 weeks now. Even though I did not attend her appointments, she would faithfully call me the evening of the appointment and give me every detail. Everything was going so well. I was eternally grateful that Kate was doing this for me and even more grateful that Kate handled pregnancy so well. She never seemed too uncomfortable and her cheerful attitude calmed me every time I talked with her.

Since Kate had been pregnant four times before with no complications, we were all completely unprepared for what happened on May 6.

I had just gotten home after another long day at work. Jasper had been nagging me for the last 2 weeks about getting together for dinner with some guys from work, but I kept putting him off. Ever since I decided to become a father, the allure of a crowded bar filled with barely dressed barflies held little appeal for me. The only girl I was anxious to meet was my baby Elizabeth. So when the phone rang at 6pm, I was fully expecting it to be Jasper calling to try to convince me that I should spend my last few weeks of 'freedom' trying to sow the last of my wild oats.

I grabbed the phone somewhat reluctantly. "Hello."

Kate's soft voice came through the receiver, "Edward, this is Kate. I have some news. I am in the hospital– "

"WHAT?" My heart was racing and my mind immediately began to race through possible scenarios: a car accident, a fall, the baby?

"Edward, I could explain over the phone, but I think it is best if you just come to the hospital so you can ask questions of the doctors."

"Just tell me, is Elizabeth alright?" My voice broke on the last word.

"Elizabeth is fine so far, but you need to get to the hospital as soon as you possibly can. I am in the labor and delivery unit – the same one that we took a tour of a few weeks ago." I could hear the tremor in her voice as we said a hurried goodbye.

I grabbed a jacket and my keys and raced out the door.

I arrived at the entrance to labor and delivery in record time. I was met at the entrance to the L&D unit by Kate's husband Garrett so he could escort me past security. Garrett looked terrible; his face was pale, his hair was sticking out at odd angles and his eyes were red rimmed from crying.

"Garrett, is Kate OK? What about Elizabeth? What is going on? I am going out of my mind!" I felt like I was about to explode with worry.

"Edward, let's go talk with Kate. Unfortunately, we don't have much time." As we were talking, we walked quickly down the hall to Room 606. As I entered, I saw several nurses hurrying around the room and Kate was lying in bed. She was hooked up to an IV, blood pressure cuff and a fetal heartbeat monitor. I could hear the reassuring sound of Elizabeth's heart when I walked into the room. Kate looked upset and had tears slowly running down her face.

"Oh Edward, I am so sorry." Her voice broke off in a sob and she closed her eyes as more tears spilled down her cheeks.

"What is going on? I can hear Elizabeth's heartbeat – isn't she OK? Are you OK?" I was totally confused at this point. I had just assumed that something was wrong with Elizabeth, but it was slowly seeping into my consciousness that something was wrong with Kate.

"Edward, I have developed pre-eclampsia. My blood pressure is too high. They are going to have to deliver Elizabeth right now. I am so sorry. I never expected this to happen…" Kate continued to talk but I didn't really hear her. All I could hear is that they had to deliver Elizabeth now. Kate is not even in her third trimester. How could Elizabeth even survive? She had to be tiny! _Is my daughter going to die?_

I didn't realize I had spoken my question out loud until Kate answered me. "Edward, a neonatologist is on the way to talk with you. Elizabeth has a good chance of survival at 27 weeks gestation. I know you are terrified and have many questions. They are going to deliver me via C-section as soon as Dr. Levi gets here and the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) is on standby to care for Elizabeth once she is born. Oh, here is Dr. Banner."

I turn to see a tall, thin, white haired man enter the room. He quickly introduces himself to me. "Edward Cullen? I am Dr. John Banner and am one of the neonatologists who work here at the hospital to care for newborns in the NICU. Unfortunately, I don't have time to talk for long as they are prepping Kate to deliver as soon as Dr. Levi gets here. I need to be in the delivery room when that happens so we can start to care for your daughter."

I feel a bit light-headed and all but collapse in a chair behind me. Dr. Banner takes the other chair and continues to talk to me. "So a quick overview, I will be in the delivery room with two NICU nurses and a respiratory therapist. Once Elizabeth is born, we will get her stabilized, make sure she is breathing OK then we will move her into the NICU. You can join us in the NICU but will probably not be able to hold her or even get too close to her until she has been stabilized. We will start IVs and do what we need to support her breathing. She will be placed in a warmer so you will be able to see her. Are you going to be in the OR or do you want to wait in the NICU?"

My head is spinning. "Ah, I want to be in the OR if it is OK with Kate." I see Kate nodding.

"OK, the nurses will get you prepared. I hear Dr. Levi out in the hallway so I need to go join the NICU team. I will see you in the OR. I know you have more questions but we will answer those once we get your daughter settled." Dr. Banner gave me a reassuring smile then briskly left the room.

A nurse gave me a set of blue paper-like scrubs, shoe covers, a papery hat and mask. By the time I dressed up in my bunny suit, the L&D nurses were preparing to wheel Kate down the hall. Garrett and I followed in silence. I glanced over at Garrett and immediately felt bad for being so self-absorbed. I knew enough to know that pre-eclampsia was life-threatening. He must be terrified for his wife.

Once we arrived in the OR, Garrett went to stand beside Kate's head while I walked over to Dr. Banner and three others who were standing against the wall next to a small table that was obviously meant for Elizabeth. On carts beside them were a large supply of medical equipment and machines. It was obvious that they did not expect Elizabeth to be 'OK'. As we waited for the OR team to deliver my daughter, I tried to remember anything I could about premature infants. I knew that they could have physical problems. I seemed to remember that they could have cerebral palsy. Realizing the futility of my efforts, I took a deep breath and watched the L&D nurses work around Kate. They had her spread out on the OR table with her hands out to the side. An anesthesiologist sat by her head and was talking to her softly. One nurse raised a drape over her chest so she couldn't see her belly. Kate has to have _surgery_ because of this. I felt so guilty. I turned away as I couldn't bear to look at Kate and Garrett anymore.

In our small corner of the room, the NICU team was calm and organized. Stephanie and Kim, the NICU nurses, were double checking the equipment and quietly talking to Dr. Banner. Kim directed me to stand off to the side where I could still see a little bit but would be out of their way. Before she turned around to return to the warmer, she gave me a warm smile. "Mr. Cullen, we will do everything in our power to take care of your daughter. I know you are scared, but remember that although 27 weeks is very early, her chances of having a normal life are very good." With a squeeze to my forearm, she returned to the table.

Once the OB surgeons entered the room, it seemed as though everything happened in a few seconds. A few minutes after they began, Elizabeth was pulled from Kate's belly. They announced the time "May 6, 20:15". She was reddish purple, covered with blood and gore and crying a high-pitched noise. She was so _tiny_. There was no fat on her at all, her skin was almost translucent. She even had hair all over her arms, shoulders and legs. Stephanie stepped forward and immediately transferred her over to the warmer where they placed her and quickly began to assess her. Stephanie and the respiratory therapist worked to suction out her mouth and nose. Dr. Banner had a stethoscope with a tiny end out to listen to her lungs. Kim placed Elizabeth on a nearby scale – she weighed 1024 grams - just over 2 lbs. She was 13" long. I fought back nausea and panic after hearing just how small she is. After a few minutes, Dr. Banner decided that she was stable enough to move back to the NICU. They placed her in a small isolette and I followed as they quickly rolled her out into the hall down to the NICU.

Walking into the NICU, Elizabeth was immediately taken out of the isolette and placed back in a warmer. I noticed that someone had already made a sign with her name on it in bright pink letters that hung on the top of the warmer. I stood about 3 feet away, near the nurses' station while Kim and Stephanie continued to work with Dr. Banner. They placed EKG leads on her chest, then a small gold foil-looking monitor that I realized measured her body temperature. They placed an IV line in her belly button as well as one in her leg. She was literally buried in lines and leads. I looked up to a monitor that displayed her heart rate, blood pressure, pulse ox and respiration. Kim grabbed a _tiny_ diaper, weighed it on a scale then put it on Elizabeth. A few minutes after we arrived, I could tell that none of them were happy with the way she was breathing. She seemed to be really pulling for each breath to the point that her chest would be almost concave with every breath she took. I could hear all four of them talk about how they didn't like how hard she was working to breathe. Dr. Banner called for something call 'CPAP' to be used. My tiny daughter was fitted with a large set of tubing that connected to prongs that were tightly fitted into her nose. You could barely see the baby for all the 'stuff' around her. I felt myself growing dizzy as I realized I was trying to match my breaths to her rapid ones.

Well over an hour had passed before the activity around her warmer had settled down. I still hadn't even touched her. She looked so fragile. So tiny. I felt tears roll down my cheeks. Was she in pain? Would she be OK?

Dr. Banner left Kim and Stephanie at Elizabeth's bedside and turned toward me. My gaze lingered on Elizabeth. She just looked so _fragile_. It was comforting that neither Kim nor Stephanie seemed to be freaking out, they just quietly straightened up the area around her warmer and observed Elizabeth with sharp eyes.

"Mr. Cullen—"

"Please call me Edward." I muttered.

"Sure. Edward. Let me fill you in on what is going on with your daughter. Would you like to go somewhere more private or—"

"Let's stay here please. I don't want to leave her."

"Of course. I know this is overwhelming. Let me go through what everything is and you can ask me questions as we go. First, Elizabeth is hooked up to two lines – one is an IV the other is an arterial line. The arterial line allows us to monitor her blood pressure as well as allows us easy access to get blood samples. Her temperature is being monitored. Like most early preemies, she is having some trouble breathing because her lungs are not fully developed. So far, we have avoided putting her on a ventilator, she is on something called CPAP which stands for continuous positive airway pressure. Basically, CPAP helps her breathe more effectively by providing extra pressure to open up her lungs and getting enough oxygen. She is receiving antibiotics. Depending on how she does, we will try to start feeding her tiny amounts of milk or formula in a few days. The IV lines will keep her hydrated."

Dr. Banner stopped and let me assimilate all of this. I am sure I looked a bit glassy eyed.

"I know I have thrown a lot of information at you. I can tell you that she is doing really well so far. Preemies are very resilient. Unfortunately, they are somewhat unpredictable. They have an incredible ability to keep going, but they can also decompensate quickly. The nurses here will keep a close watch on her 24/7. In the NICU, each nurse has only 2 patients, so she will receive excellent care. Do you have any questions?" I shake my head and Dr. Banner shakes my hand and walks back to the nurses' station. It is apparent from all the renewed activity that they are expecting yet another baby to be admitted to the NICU. I continue to stand and look down at my daughter.

A soft voice interrupts my staring. "You are allowed to visit her as often as you like whenever you like. We don't have visiting hours. You are also encouraged to call us at any time to check on her. She is your daughter so don't ever hesitate to visit or ask about her." I turn to see Stephanie standing beside me. "Also, if there is anyone else who you want to have full access to your daughter, just give us their name so we know to give them information or allow them to visit."

"Oh crap! My parents! They are going to kill me! In all the chaos, I completely forgot to call them." In that moment, there is nothing I want more than to see my mom and dad. I may be 30 years old, but I want my mother to hug me and tell me it will all be alright.

**AN: Sorry for the delay. I went to the March to Restore Sanity in DC and had a great time.**


	10. Out of Time

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. Again, all of the nurses' names (except for the major players) are 'real' people who helped me when I lived this.**

**Chapter 9. Out of Time**

**BPOV**

May 7 – 27 weeks gestation

They wheel me down the hall through those scary double doors marked 'Absolutely No Entry to Unauthorized Personnel'. I am vaguely aware that my butt feels somewhat weird – I guess after not sitting for so long does a number on one's buns. We turn right through another set of double doors and I feel like I have entered a meat locker. _Damn. It is COLD in here._ The room is actually pretty big, cabinets on the side, lots of equipment, narrow bed in the middle with large lights above. There are several gowned up people milling around. I feel underdressed in my flappy gown and no underwear. They turn the wheelchair around so I can get out and get up on the table.

I notice a group of four more people in OR gear clustered around the table where Anthony will be. I don't recognize any of them, but realize that they must be from the NICU. My attention is diverted by the anesthesiologist who is busy moving around checking equipment near the head of the table. She re-introduces herself as Dr. Chu, she was the woman who gave me the spinal anesthesia when I had the cerclage. She reminds me of the procedure but tells me that this time I can sit up rather than lying on my side. I realize I am shaking as she walks around behind me.

"Are you nervous dear or just cold?" I look up at a pair of blue eyes gazing at me from my spot on the table.

"Both." I mumble.

"I know this is scary, but Dr. Chu is the best." I can tell she is smiling behind her mask.

I don't answer. The snarky part of me is wondering if she says that about every anesthesiologist, but the freaked-out part of me decides to believe that Dr. Chu is the best doctor in the world. I feel pressure on my shoulder, I look behind me to see Dr. Chu.

"Go ahead and learn forward and much as you can." Dr. Chu seems calm. I am not.

The kind-eyes nurse stepped even closer to me and basically hugged me. I heard her talking quietly in my ear while I felt cold on my back. I just concentrated on taking deep breaths. _Deep breaths. Deep breaths. OUCH. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about._

"OK, Isabella, we are finished. Go ahead and lay down for me" Dr. Chu and 'nice-eyes' helps me lay down. My legs are already feeling weird. By the time I get situated, I realize I am not feeling much below my diaphragm. "I'm just going to give you something to relax you during the procedure, but once they start to repair you, I will give you some medicine to put you to sleep, OK". I just nod.

They start to drape all kinds of sheet everywhere, including a sheet-wall so I can't see my belly. I close my eyes and try to just block everything out.

"Hey Bella." I look up to see Angela's eyes above a mask.

"I thought you were going to go with Anthony." I start to feel panic flooding my veins.

"The nurses said I could come in here with you, then go with Anthony when they transfer him to the NICU."

The panic had just started to abate as I listen to Angela talk, but then Dr. Levi walks in with another surgeon.

"OK, Bella. We are going to meet your little boy today! It should only be a few minutes, OK?" Dr. Levi then turns to the nurse beside him.

"Bella, I am going to give you something to relax you OK?" Dr. Chu is right over my head. I feel surrounded.

"Bella, can you feel this?" I feel a tug on the lower skin of my belly.

"WHOA! Yes, I felt that!" My heart feels like it is going to beat out of my chest_. They won't cut me open when I can feel it right?_

"Do you feel _pain_ or just pressure?"

"I feel tugging."

"OK, that is normal, you are going to feel us pushing/pulling but it shouldn't hurt. OK?"

I nod my head and continue to focus on Angela's eyes. My fears start to flood into my mind – will Anthony be OK? Will his lungs be developed enough? Would he even survive the day? If he does survive will he be handicapped?

"Ange, talk to me. For the love of god, please talk to me. I need to focus on something else." I am begging at this point.

"OK, ummmm. They are getting ready. Hmmmm." I can't believe that Ange had NOTHING to say. I see her reach up to nervously adjust her paper hat. Her hands are shaking. It dawns on me that she must be scared for me too. I give her a shaky smile.

"Bella, here is your son. He is born May 7, at 12:00 exactly." I look up to see Anthony. He is scrawny. Tiny. Boney. Reddish-purple. Bloody. BUT, he was crying. CRYING. He was so loud! That has to be good right?

They hold him up to me for just a split second before they turn and hand him to one of the NICU people. I couldn't see him anymore as the NICU staff was swarming around him. I turned to Angela who was also staring at the area where Anthony was.

"Ange, go to him. Please. Go with him. I don't want him to be alone." I breathe a BIG sigh of relief when she turns and makes her way over there. I feel a slight burning in my IV site before I drift off.

Ugh. It feels like I am swimming through glue to try when I try to fight to consciousness. I feel like I have been hit with a Mack truck. My mouth is so dry. I can't move my legs. I'm itchy. What. The. Fuck?

I open my eyes and it all comes flooding back. The C-section. ANTHONY. Oh, is he OK? I try to talk, but I can't see to make my mouth work. Oh, I feel awful. I can't fight it and fall back asleep.

I have no idea how much time has passed when I open my eyes again. 5 minutes? 5 hours? I feel much more lucid. As I look around, I notice I am must be in some sort of recovery area. I am on my back on a very uncomfortable stretcher with a curtain between me and the next patient. I can hear the woman talking with her husband/boyfriend/babydaddy about how 'perfect' and 'beautiful' their 10lb baby is. The flash of jealousy/worry/anger/fear that flashes through me is intense. I wish I had a healthy 10lb baby. I wish I had a husband to gush with over how beautiful Anthony is. I really, really wish Anthony is and will be OK.

It couldn't have been more than 2-3 minutes before a short dark-haired nurse came in to check me out. Before she even fully entered my curtain, I word-vomited my questions: "Do you know how my baby is? Is he OK? How much does he weigh? When can I see him? Can—"

"Whoa. Slow down." She smiled to take the edge off her words. "Unfortunately, I don't know how your baby is." My expression must have fallen to my shoes. "BUT, we may be able to get you by the NICU at some point today." She looked at my belly, asked if I could move my legs. While she was giving me the once over, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I _might_ get to see him. I am so sick of ambiguity.

I lay there a few more minutes. Surely they would tell me if he were really ill. Angela would come get me right? Although I made Ange promise to stay by Anthony's side so I guess she wouldn't. She doesn't even know if I am out of the OR or awake. I forcefully turn my mind to other subjects.

I am itchy. That is weird. Oh! I can wiggle my toes. That is good. I want out of here. I want into a regular room so I can sneak out and see Anthony. Nope. Thinking of something else – I try my best to zone out until they come and decide I can be freed.

The next time the short, dark-haired nurse with the kind eyes – her badge says her name is Alice – comes into check on me, she deems me worthy of getting out of the recovery area. Thank goodness! She grabs my chart (which at this point is a THICK binder) and places it on the bed between my feet. Another nurse, Kathy, comes to help push me out of the unit. As we exit the double doors and turn down the hall, I notice that we are going away from the arrow on the sign pointing to Mother/Baby.

"Ah, not to question you guys, but where are we going? You aren't going to put me on the gyno ward just because I don't have a baby in my room are you?" Part of me wondered if that might be best, I didn't want to listen to crying babies all night if I didn't have one of my own.

Alice gave me the biggest grin I have ever seen. "No, we are sneaking you down to the NICU. We can't stay long because we need to get back to L&D and you are really not supposed to be in there on a stretcher, but I can't stand it when a mother can't see her baby."

Tears filled my eyes and ran down my cheek. Damnit. I can't _see_ when I am crying. I want to see Anthony. I need to stop this. I flash a watery smile at Alice and croak out a 'Thank you.'

The doors to the NICU are obviously not made for stretchers so it is tricky maneuvering to get us into a small area with industrial looking sinks against one wall and a cabinet full of hospital gowns on the other wall. We don't pause but go straight through the opposite door.

The NICU is basically a large long room with windows along one side and various warmers, isolettes and basinets lined up in a row next to the windows. Across from the windows is a long set of desks, obviously for the nurses. In between each of the babies seems to be a variety of mismatched rocking chairs for parents to sit in. I notice that each basinet, isolette or warmer has either a pink or blue sign with a baby's name on it. I immediately start scanning for Anthony's name or even Angela. After a few seconds, my gaze lands on a warmer directly across from the nurses' station. The blue sign says 'ANTHONY' and I see the top of Angela's head as she is sitting in the chair beside him on the other side. I can't see my son, but I can see the monitor above his bed that has a variety of numbers and lines on it. A nurse in pink scrubs with a long blond ponytail is standing beside him listening to his lungs with a stethoscope.

Alice and Kathy pushed me over to Antony's side. The pink-scrub nurse turned to look at us approach and raised an eyebrow at Alice.

"Yeah, yeah. I know I am not supposed to do this Rose, but are you going to tell on me? No. 'Cause you would do the same thing in my shoes." Alice just grinned at her.

Rose's face broke out in a smile and she just shook her head. "Yes, I would do the same thing, but I would do it QUIETLY. There is a reason your loud-self works in L&D with screaming women." Kathy told me goodbye and goodluck before she headed back out of the NICU. Rose took her place and moved my stretcher so I was beside Anthony's bed. I could see Angela stand up in my peripheral vision but my focus was on my son. He looked terrible. I know I am a mother and I do love this little boy, but even I would admit he looked like some sort of alien-space-monkey baby. He was TINY. If you looked underneath all the patches and wires and tubes and IV lines, you could see he was red and thin. His skin was translucent. He was boney. He had hair all over his stick-like arms and shoulders. I couldn't see his head because he had on a pink and blue striped hat that covered his head and eyes. He had tubing stuffed into his nose that was connected to a complicated looking machine. _Oh my god._

Rose moved over to the other side of Anthony's bed. In a very soft voice she began to tell me about my son. "He is doing very well for a 27 weeker. He weighed 1048g which is just under 2 ½ pounds and he is 13" long. He is breathing fairly well on his own right now but we have him on CPAP to support him. The two IV lines, one in a vein, the other in an artery, will keep him hydrated until we can _hopefully _start to feed him in a few days. Do you plan on trying to breastfeed or pump?" I nodded. "That is great. Preemies do much better on breastmilk than formula. Ask the nurse on mother/baby to help get you started with a pump as soon as you are up to it. We can store any milk you produce here in the NICU."

At this point an alarm began to go off at the baby's warmer beside me. 'ELIZABETH' was the name on the warmer. She looked to be just like Anthony – tiny, fragile and covered with medical 'stuff' that was keeping her alive. Rose looked toward the alarming monitor. "Patti, you want me to get that?" A short nurse with shoulder-length blonde hair shook her head, calmly got up from the desk, crossed the 4 feet separating us from the station and walked over to 'Elizabeth'. She talked very quietly to her and after watching the monitor for a few more moments, she wiggled her leg and I could see a spike on the monitor and the alarm quieted. My heart was hammering out of my chest but I allowed myself to be comforted by the fact that the nurses were calm, like this was business as usual.

I turned back to look at Rose who was waiting patiently for my attention. "You will get used to it. Alarms go off all the time here – we always know when an alarm is an emergency versus just a 'pay attention' alarm. We always check them out. Each nurse has only 2 patients and we cover for each other. We watch 'em like hawks." Her sharp blue eyes were warm and compassionate.

I stared at Anthony for several moments. "Can I touch him?" I whispered.

"Yes. We want to minimize all noise/movement so just place hand on him, but don't 'rub' him. Talk to him. He can hear you." Rose gently smiled at me, then walked over to chat with Alice at the nurses' station. I noticed she watched over us – barely making eye contact with Alice as they chatted. Angela stepped up to take Rose's place on the other side of the warmer.

I reached up and over the rails of the stretcher and placed my finger under his tiny hand. Reflexively, his fingers gently closed on my skin. His fingers were about as long as a fingernail. I leaned over and whispered "Hey little guy. It's your Mama. I'm so sorry that I couldn't keep you safe with me any longer, but they will take good care of you here. I will visit you every day as long and as often as I can. I love you Anthony. Fight for me Sweetie." I had to stop because I was crying so hard I couldn't see or speak. I sat there for a long time, just looking at him. Watching him breathe.

Honestly, I have no idea how long I was in the NICU with Anthony. 10 minutes? An hour? Alice appeared and said she needed to take me back. Rose helped get my stretcher through the narrow entryway then Alice pushed me the rest of the way back to the mother/baby unit. I kept my eyes closed as I didn't want to see the rows of healthy babies in bassinets in the well-baby nursery.

**AN: Yes, another short chapter. I promise that they will get longer. If it bugs you, you could leave a review telling me so! **


	11. EPOV  The First Hours

**AN: I still don't own Twilight. The story is mine – I lived it.**

**I know I keep saying this, but the nurses' names in this fiction are 'real'. These women took excellent care of the babies in the NICU under their care. I wish I could do more to acknowledge them.**

**A note about the timeline: since the majority of this story will take place while Elizabeth and Anthony are in the NICU, I will date the chapters based on how long they have been in the unit.**

**EPOV – The First Hours**

_I want my mother and father._ Since the use of cell phones is prohibited in the NICU, I leave Elizabeth's side and slip into the hallway to make my call. My hands are shaking as I dial the phone. A quick glance at the clock reveals it is almost ten o'clock at night. _I have been a father for almost 2 hours. __**I have a daughter.**_ The phrase '_Please let her be OK' _circles through my head on repeat.

"Hello." Carlisle's voice is thick with sleep.

"Dad." My voice cracks on a sob that rises in my throat. My voice reverberates in the empty hallway.

"Edward? What is wrong? Are you OK? Is Emmett OK?" My father's voice is measured, but anyone who knows him could hear the frantic worry underlying his rapid-fire questions. I could hear my mother's voice in the background questioning what was going on.

"Dad, you need to get to the hospital. Kate developed severe pre-eclampsia this afternoon and was forced to deliver. Elizabeth was born at 8:15 tonight. I need you here. Now. Please." My voice sounds odd to my own ears. I am just barely keeping it together.

"Edward. Oh my god. How is she? Is she stable now? Is she on a ventilator? Has she—"

I have to interrupt him. "Dad, just get here. Elizabeth is OK so far. We can talk with the NICU staff when you get here. Just get here. Please. _Please._" The sound of clothing and shuffling can be heard over the phone. I can hear my mother asking "_She who?_" in the background.

"Son, hang on. We will be there in 10 minutes." I hit end and shoved the phone in my pocket. _Thank god they live so close to the hospital._ Knowing my voice would not hold through another conversation, I text Emmett.

**You are an uncle. Elizabeth in NICU but OK so far. NICU on 6****th**** floor, west wing. I need you.**

As I start to pace the hallway while waiting for my parents and brother, my thoughts race into overdrive. Normally, I consider myself a pretty self-sufficient and intelligent guy. When I decided to become a father, I researched and read about talked about parenting until I was confident enough in myself and my abilities to take on the whole single-fatherhood challenge. However with the early arrival of my daughter, I quickly realize I need my family. I push my pride into the backseat. I can't do this by myself. I need to support Elizabeth and I need my family to support me. Once again, I wish I had a wife by my side so we could face this together. Support each other. All of a sudden a huge wave of guilt crashes over me. _What have I done? I am responsible for bringing my daughter into this world but now she is facing a potential minefield of problems. And she doesn't even have a mother to help her. How could I be so selfish? Yes, I want to be a father more than anything else in the world, but at what cost to my daughter. How—_"

My inner panic attack was interrupted by the arrival of my parents. I don't think I have ever seen my parents so disheveled. My father is wearing khaki pants with a wrinkled white button down that is half-untucked. I am not even sure his socks match. His hair has been combed, but water droplets sparkle throughout his thick hair. My mother is wearing jeans and a light green sweater. Her hair is pulled back into a low ponytail – a hairstyle I have never seen her wear outside of the gym or garden. Her face is free of make-up and she has her glasses on instead of her contacts. It is obvious she has been crying. My mother rushes to me and grabs me in a tight hug. Her shoulders start to shake and I can feel her crying into my shirt. I look to my father and can see the tears in his eyes as well. _I have never seen my father cry_. I close my eyes and try to gather my wits about me.

"Mom, Dad. I am so glad you are here." My voice is rough with unshed tears.

"Can we see her? How is she? How much did she weigh?" My mother's voice is muffled as she talks into my chest.

"Let's go see her and we can talk in the NICU, OK?" I open the door into the NICU 'changing area'. My mother locks her purse in one of the lockers. We all wash our hands in the industrial size sink then don hospital gowns over our street clothes. When we are all ready, I open the door to the NICU. I hear my mother's sharp intake of breath as she takes in the quiet controlled chaos of the unit. Grabbing her hand, I lead her to Elizabeth's warmer which is directly across from the nurses' station. Kim is standing by the warmer listening to Elizabeth's chest with a stethoscope. When we approach, she gives us a warm smile and quietly introduces herself.

"Kim, these are my parents – Carlisle and Esme Cullen. I put them on the visitor list so they can stop by anytime."

"Ah, Dr. Cullen. I thought I recognized you. We don't see you much down here. I hope you find our little corner of the hospital as warm and welcoming as the oncology unit."

"Kim, it is nice to meet you. I have heard nothing but positive things about the NICU. In fact, I hear that once a nurse gets into the unit, they love it so much that they don't leave!" Both Kim and Carlisle grin at this. "I obviously have quite a few questions for you about Elizabeth's condition. Do you have time to talk right now?"

"Actually, now would be a great time. My other patient has just been fed so he should be fine for the next couple of hours. Why don't you all gather around the warmer and I'll go over the specifics of Elizabeth's care? In fact—" A thump and a deep voice interrupts Kim as everyone looks to the source of the noise which is the entrance to the NICU.

"Oh, I bet that is Emmett. Let me go get him so he can join us." I rush to the door so I can intercept Emmett before he comes barreling in here. I was surprised to see him washing his hands when I opened the door to the changing area.

"Hey bro. How are you doing?" Em's normally loud and boisterous voice is somewhat quiet and very serious. "I got your text and hauled ass to get here. Are Mom and Dad already here?" He turns and puts on a gown.

I am fairly stunned by his 'appropriate' actions – washing his hands? Quiet voice? – who is this guy? "Ah, yeah. Mom and Dad are inside. How do you know to be quiet and to wear the gown?"

"Oh, I saw a TV show on preemies on PBS a couple of years ago." Well Damn. I sometimes forget that my big lunkhead of a brother is actually really smart. "Can we go in now? I am anxious to see my niece."

As we walk back into the NICU, Kim is back at the nurses' station quietly talking on the phone. Em and I join Mom and Dad at Elizabeth's warmer. I look at Mom and notice tears are silently dripping down her face and off her chin. Kim steps back to us and I introduce Emmett to her.

"So all the Cullen family is here now? Great. Let me explain a few things about Elizabeth's care and condition. At this point, we are most concerned with her breathing. All babies born before 36 weeks are born with immature lungs. Right now, she is on CPAP which provides positive oxygen flow to her lungs to keep them inflated; however, she is breathing on her own. We have her attached to monitors that display her blood pressure, temperature, heart rate, breathing and blood oxygen saturation. In the next few days, we will probably put her under the bili-lights. So for the next few weeks, we will be watching several things very closely. First – her breathing. Preemies can basically 'get tired' and stop breathing which in turn will slow their heart rate. We call this A&Bs – apnea and bradycardia. When this happens, the alarms go off and we help 'remind' them to breathe. It sounds scary but it is very common for early preemies and we are always on top of it. Second, we might start feeding her via an oral-gastric tube. Feeding preemies can be a bit tricky as their GI tracts sometimes don't handle food well, but we will monitor her closely. Because we will probably not be able to feed her exclusively via the OG tube, she will probably receive TPN which is nutrition provided via IV. There are several conditions that are common in preemies, but honestly, I always tell parents not to worry about them unless they happen. Our job is to watch out for your child, your job is to love them." Kim looks all of us in the eye. I am sure we all look as overwhelmed as I feel. "I'm going to go over to the nurses' station, if you need anything just ask."

"Kim, can I touch her?" The words just tumble out of my mouth before I can process them.

"Of course, she is your daughter! Although, we do want to minimize stimulation to her so just place your hand or finger on her, don't 'rub' her skin. Talk quietly to her. I believe they know you are here."

As Kim is talking, I reach out and put my finger under her tiny hand. Her little fingers reflexively curl around my finger. Her fingers are so tiny that they don't even reach halfway around. Her skin is so thin and translucent. I can see every blood vessel under her skin. As I gaze at her, I wish I could see her eyes. They have a hat on her that covers her eyes and the CPAP tubing covers the remainder of her face. Her chest is covered in EKG and temperature sensors, IV tubing and tape. Her arms and shoulders are covered in white fuzzy hair. _She looks so fragile._

I feel my mother's hands on my shoulders as I sit beside the warmer. I don't know how long I have been sitting here when I see movement on the other side of the warmer. Emmett has found a stool on the other side and has slipped his finger under her other palm. Again, Elizabeth's little fingers curl around his finger. The grin that takes over his face is indescribable. "She is amazing bro."

"Yes, Em. She is."

12 hours

I wake with a start. What the hell? I look to my alarm clock – it is almost 9AM. Why am I in bed this late? Why didn't my alarm go off? I am going to be so late to work. Jasper is going to give me hell – I am NEVER late. I am going to have to hurry- Oh wait. The hospital. The delivery. Elizabeth. NICU. It all comes flooding back to me.

After staying with Elizabeth for several hours, my parents convinced me to head home to get some sleep. I didn't want to go, in fact I felt like the world's worst father. _Who leaves their baby in the hospital by themselves?_ The nurse's explained to me that this was going to be a marathon not a sprint and that I needed to get some sleep so I could stay with her for the numerous 'tomorrows' to come. I got home, sent an email to my boss explaining my need for family-leave time then collapsed in bed. I was too tired to even cry.

I drag myself out of bed and rush into the shower. After the fastest shower I have ever taken, I grab a breakfast bar and my coffee and head to the hospital. I am so anxious to see Elizabeth. Surely she is OK, they would have called if she wasn't right? As the elevator crawls to the 6th floor, I feel myself get more and more nervous. I need to see her with my own eyes. I rush out of the elevator, narrowly missing a pregnant woman on a stretcher, and bolt down the hall.

When I reach the NICU, I force myself to thoroughly wash my hands before I put on the gown and enter the unit. Thankfully, the unit looks the same as it did yesterday night. Elizabeth is in the same place although a new nurse is attending to her. Kim explained to me last night that the nurses worked 12 hour shifts from 7 to 7. I guess this was the day shift. The nurse that was taking care of Elizabeth is medium height. Her white/blond hair was cut in a shoulder-length bob and she moved efficiently around the warmer. Next to Elizabeth there was an empty warmer that a tall blond nurse was preparing for a new arrival.

Elizabeth's nurse, Patty, looked up and smiled when she met my eyes. "You must be Edward Cullen, Miss Elizabeth's daddy."

Wow. My heart literally jumped hearing Patty refer to me as 'Elizabeth's Daddy.' Feeling a dorky smile completely take over my face, all I could do is stammer "yes, that's me."

"I'm Patty and I will be taking care of Miss Elizabeth today. Kim said she had a good night. She had 5 A&Bs and is still doing well with the CPAP. Unfortunately, we will probably have to put her on bili-lights today since her bilirubin levels are climbing. She lost weight last night, but that is actually a good thing – it shows that her kidneys are working. All babies lose weight after they are born." Patty continues to straighten up the area around Elizabeth's warmer as she talks. "Oh, you might want to bring in one of those cheap disposable cameras to leave here. We will take pictures of her when you aren't around so you don't 'miss' anything."

When Patty steps away, I text Mom to ask her to bring in a disposable camera as well as her digital camera when she comes back. I can't believe I haven't brought my camera in yet. I remember Dad taking some pictures last night, but I was too distracted to pay much attention. I lean in to speak to Elizabeth. "I am so sorry I haven't thought to take pictures of you yet little one. I have been so overwhelmed with your arrival that I am not thinking clearly yet. I promise I will get this figured out though. You are in good hands here, everyone is taking good care of you. I already love you so much. Everytime your little hand wraps around my finger, I think my heart is going to burst from my chest. I didn't think it was possible to love someone this much. Oh, sweet little girl. I know you probably don't feel very good and everything is overwhelming your senses, but I hope you can hear me. I hope you know how much I love you. I'll be the very best daddy I can be. We will make a great team. I love you little one."

I sit quietly next to Elizabeth for a couple of hours. Right before lunch, it is obvious that another preemie is being born. Several of the nurses leave the NICU along with one of the neonatologists. After about 30 minutes, a tiny baby in an isolette is wheeled into the NICU and transferred to the warmer next to Elizabeth. The sign above the warmer is blue and reads 'ANTHONY'. Several staff members swarm around him and place IVs, hook him up to CPAP and listen to his lungs and belly with stethoscopes. It is like a rerun of Elizabeth's arrival from yesterday. Off to the side, a younger woman watches the scene quietly. Surely she is not the mother? Wouldn't she be recovering from giving birth? _It is none of your business Cullen._ I turn away and focus on Elizabeth.

After about an hour, the staff has Anthony settled into his warmer. The woman has not left his side and continues to sit quietly watching him. I consider introducing myself, then remember how overwhelmed I was yesterday and reconsider. The last thing she needs is to feel like she has to be polite to a stranger. Just before 2pm, my mother arrives with her cameras. Mom takes approximately 500 pictures of Elizabeth, me and us before she drags me down to the café to eat something. I really don't want to leave Elizabeth, but Patty assures me that she will call me if anything changes.

On the way back to the 6th floor, I decide to stop by and see Kate. I feel terrible that I haven't taken the time to visit her since she delivered. As I walk to the mother/baby unit, I pass by a woman being wheeled by on a stretcher. Her eyes are closed and her face is pinched with pain, but she has absolutely gorgeous long dark hair that is spread all over her pillow. _She looks just like Coffeeshop Girl. Get a grip Cullen. The woman obviously just gave birth, you have no business oogling her._

I push the thought of Coffeeshop Girl from my head and make my way to Kate's room. After a brief knock on the door, Garrett answers. Kate is sitting up in bed and looks so much better than when I saw her yesterday.

"Oh Edward, how is Elizabeth?" Both Kate and Garrett look at me expectantly.

"She is doing well. They have her hooked up to lots of monitors and IVs but she is doing really well. I like the staff in the NICU and they are taking good care of her. You should stop by and see her if you want."

"I would love to see her Edward. Maybe tomorrow when I have a bit more energy?" We make tentative plans as to when Kate can come by the unit. "Edward, I know we haven't had a chance to talk about this yet, but we need to. With my last surrogate, I provided breastmilk for the baby for the first couple of weeks. I know how important breastmilk is for preemies and would be willing to try for Elizabeth if you want me to." I start to reply before she cuts me off. "HOWEVER, there is one problem. I do not produce well with a pump. I had a terrible time producing a significant volume of milk with my last surrogacy and was never able to pump when I had my own kids. I don't want you to get your hopes up and consider me a 'sure thing'."

"I hadn't even thought about that Kate. I'll talk to the NICU nurses and see what they say, but I would assume that they would prefer breastmilk to formula. Whatever you can provide would be great. I can't thank you enough for all that you have done for me." Our eyes meet and the significance of our feelings is written on our faces. I must be radiating my sincere appreciation for her sacrifices while she is communicating her grief that she couldn't carry the pregnancy full-term. I leave the room knowing that we understand each other.

I spend the afternoon and evening with Elizabeth. Mostly I just sit quietly beside her, sometimes I whisper to her. I always hold her hand. For some reason I am fascinated by Elizabeth's new neighbor. Anthony appears to be Elizabeth's twin – just a scrawny, also on CPAP and also being watched over by the quiet dark haired young woman. I have deduced that the young woman, Angela, is not Anthony's mother, but his aunt. Apparently, his mother is recovering from a C-section and cannot come down to see him yet. Whenever I am feeling sorry for myself, I remind myself that at least I can sit here with Elizabeth and am not confined to a hospital bed away from her.

At 6pm, I am contemplating a run to the café to get some dinner when I am startled by my neighbor Angela who has jumped to her feet.

"Bella! I'm so glad they finally let you in here." Angela has stepped forward to hug the woman in the wheelchair. As Angela steps back, my eyes lock with a pair of deep brown eyes, set in a heart-shaped face that I would know anywhere. Her eyes widen in recognition as they meet mine. I can feel a smile take over my face. _Coffeeshop Girl. She's here._


	12. BPOV  The First Hours

**AN: Again, Twilight isn't mine. Yada yada yada. The story is mine. Also, the NICU nurses that took care of my kids deserve accolades. Go out and hug a nurse today.**

**Chapter 11 – BPOV – The First Hours**

I think I was settled into my hospital room for about 5 minutes before I hear the first baby cry in a room nearby. _Who the hell makes hospital walls so thin?_ I felt like my heart was breaking in my chest. My son was down the hall, fighting for every breath and I am stuck listening to a 'normal', 'healthy' baby cry. _God it is going to be a long night_.

I was scrambling around for my TV remote when my nurse walked in my room. Kathy had taken care of me during some of my 5 weeks here as an antepartum patient so we were pretty familiar with each other. She looked over the huge bandage from my C-section on my belly, did her assessment, asked me if I needed anything, then left. One great thing about Kathy, she doesn't hover.

Sneaking down to the NICU was out of the question until I could go via wheelchair as the distance was just too far for me to walk and since I don't have complete feeling in my body even a wheelchair was out of the question. I was stuck in my hospital bed – again – until my traitorous body decided to cooperate with me. After about 2 hours, I finally gave up and decided to sleep. I left the TV on to drown out the happy, new baby sounds of my neighbors. Ironically, I woke up to an episode of MTV's Teen Mom. _Yeah, that is just the way my luck rolls._

Kathy comes back in around 4pm followed by a technician with a lovely tray of hospital food. As Kathy bustles around checking my IV, the food tech informs me with a huge smile on her face that I am entitled to a 'celebratory dinner for two' one night during my stay. _Great_. I guess I will invite Angela and we can dine together. At least the 'dinner for two' options look a million times better than the normal fare – shrimp? Steak? Roasted chicken? WTF? Why can't I get this stuff normally? It all sounds a hell of a lot better than my chicken salad on limp greens that is today's late lunch. Suddenly I feel my eyes fill with tears and I am sobbing incoherently about dinners and babies and my traitorous numb feet. _Why am I being such a grouchy over-emotional bitch? I am going to be a horrible mother. I wish I had shrimp for dinner. _

Feeling a warm hand on my arm, I look up to see Kathy standing there with a look of understanding on her face. "Oh, Bella. You will be OK. Remember that your hormones are all over the place after you give birth. Being grouchy and weepy and emotionally all over the map is completely normal, but you let us know if it feels too overwhelming OK?" I manage a watery smile to her before I get myself back together. I consider calling Ange from the NICU, but I would really rather she stay with Anthony if I can't be there.

After 20 minutes of picking at my unappealing lunch, I am really starting to feel restless. Suddenly it dawns on me that I am moving my legs around. _Eureka!_ I grab the call button and call for Kathy. As soon as she walks in the door, I am kicking my legs for her. "Can I get in a wheelchair to go to the NICU now? See my legs work!" I can't stop grinning, I'm so excited. _Whoa. Talk about mood swings. Not 30 minutes ago was an angry bitter mess._

"Well, that was fast. You seem to come out of that spinal anaethesia faster than most. Tell you what, I will take your catheter out and I will wheel you down to the NICU, BUT you have to promise to spend 1 hour at most down there. After 5 weeks of bed rest, you are going to be exhausted doing anything. Besides, 7pm is shift change and I know the NICU nurses really like to have that 30 minutes to hand off their patients to the next shift. 1 hour OK? Don't push it." Kathy is giving me the serious hairy eyeball so I promise to come back by 7pm. "As an added incentive, I will ask the lactation consultant to come by to show you how to use the breast pump _when you get back at 7pm_." She is obviously very serious about this 7pm thing.

Kathy is nothing but efficient, so she immediately removes my catheter (_yeah, that was fun_) and helps me into another hospital gown so I have some coverage of my backside. I know I look a hot mess with my ugly drab gowns, unshaven legs, brown hospital non-skid socks and unwashed bedhead but I could care less! _I get to see Anthony again!_ After untangling my IV line and getting me into the wheelchair, we are ready to go.

As Kathy wheels me down the hall, I can feel myself almost start to relax. I am going to be near Anthony. See him with my own eyes again. Touch him again. I start to wonder when I could hold him, then quickly push the idea out of my head. _One step at a time._

After washing my hands at the industrial sinks, Kathy wheels me into the NICU. As my eyes zero in on Anthony's warmer, I see Angela jump up and walk over to hug me. "Bella! I'm so glad they finally let you in here." My heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. I am so glad Ange has been here to stay with Anthony when I cannot. I owe her so much. As she pulls back, I start to try to formulate words in my choked up throat to tell her how much she means to me when I suddenly look a bit to my left and lock eyes with Mr. Green-eyed Goodness who is staring right back at me. _What the hell? He has a baby here too? HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND/WIFE/BABY-MAMA. My fantasy man is blissfully in love and I am all alone with a very fragile baby who will depend only on me and I don't know what I am doing._ I burst into sobs. Damn hormones.

After a moment of shocked silence, Angela steps back and envelopes me in a hug. I can see out of the corner of my eye that Mr. Green-eyed Goodness has frozen half in and out of his chair_. I am such a man repellent that he was trying to bolt for safety from the crazy postpartum woman who he thinks is obviously stalking him._ I can hear Angela making shushing noises in my ear while patting my back. _Get it together Swan. You are wasting time you could be with Anthony._ With a final shuddering sob, I take a deep breath and look up to Angela. A NICU nurse is standing beside her with a box of tissues in her outstretched hand. The nurse, Patti, leans forward and whispers "We get a lot of that here. Don't worry about it." I take the tissues and try to clean myself up from my second bout of sobbing/pessimism/self-pity. _Man-up Swan._

I turn to Patti and ask if how Anthony is doing. "He is doing fine. Rose is still his primary caregiver right now, so I'll let her talk to you." Patti returns to 'Elizabeth's' warmer to check on her IV pumps. I can see Mr. Green-eyed Goodness looking at me over Elizabeth's warmer. He must be Elizabeth's father as he has one finger touching her tiny hand. He gives me a heart-stopping small crooked grin and I can't help but smile back. _Well even if he is madly in love with his baby-mama, it would be nice to have someone to talk to since it looks like we will both be here for a while. _

Rose interrupts my little smiling-fest to tell me about Anthony. He has apparently had a few 'A&Bs' but not enough to warrant putting him on a ventilator. They have hung something called TPN to actually provide nutrients via a PIC line – an IV line that has been fed through his leg up to the large vein leading to his heart. He is also receiving lipids to help with his brain development. There is some sort of problem with his heart – Rose called it a PDA – but she assured me that they will keep an eye on it and that most PDAs resolve on their own or with the help of some medication. After a quick squeeze to my shoulder, Rose walks back to the nurses' desks and leaves me alone with Anthony. As I sit on a high wooden stool beside his warmer, I slip my finger under his hand so he will grasp my finger. He looks exactly the same as he did earlier. I can see every rib as he breathes. There is absolutely no baby fat on his tiny 2 lb body. I start to talk to him, but my throat just closes on a sob. _Damnit. I do not want to cry again. I refuse to spend my time in here in tears._ I look up to distract myself and again my eyes find Mr. Green-eyed Goodness. He is leaning over Elizabeth's warmer and whispering to her. _Well, that is not going to help with crying. Beautiful-man + tiny baby = pile of simpering woman goo._

I realize my butt is really starting to hurt. It literally feels like it is bruised. Hmmm. I guess not sitting down for 5 weeks really does a number on your body. _Mental note: bring pillow to sit on next time._ Using my arms, I push myself to standing and hobble closer to Anthony's warmer. Taking a deep breath, I just gaze at him. He's here. He is alive. He is doing OK so far. One day at a time. I start to talk to him. I tell him about the nursery I have for him at home, about how big the back yard is for when he is a 'big boy' and can run and play. I tell him how much I wanted him from the moment I knew I was pregnant. His tiny ears hear my whispered words of love, devotion and promise to help him through whatever his prematurity throws at him. I explain that I don't know what I am doing, but I will do my best. Apologies for my hatred of battery-operated noise toys and how even though I love him I am not sure I can tolerate those toys. After a while, I grow quiet and just watch him breathe.

When I can no longer tolerate standing – apparently my feet are bruised from disuse as well – I sit back in the wheelchair. Sitting on such a low seat doesn't really work, I realize that because of the height of the warmers and isolettes that most parents sit on wooden stools when not rocking their babies in a rocking chair. I watch the mother of twins come in and start to change the diaper of a baby in a bassinette in the corner of the room. Her baby looked completely 'normal' except for the white tube leading into his mouth. I realize I am staring and look away.

Of course, my eyes go directly back to Mr. Green-eyed Goodness. Every once in a while he leans away from her and runs his left hand through his beautiful messy hair. Puzzling a bit, I figure out that he is getting hot from the heat pouring out from the top of the warmer. During one of his frequent lean-back/stretches, he looks up at me again. He opens his mouth to say something before a noise at the NICU door draws our attention. The nurses' desk is suddenly full of nurses. Oh. 7pm. Shift-change. The coach has turned back into a pumpkin and I am to return to my room. Crap. I turn around and look for Ange then remember that she went down to the café to get something to eat. As I turn back around, I am staring directly at the crotch of Mr. Green-eyed-Is-Definitely-Packing-A-Not-So-Little-Something-in-His-Jeans. _His baby-mama is _such_ a lucky bitch._ My eyes travel up, up, up until I reach his face and completely adorable crooked smile. My mouth can do nothing but smile in return. It is like written in my DNA – if smiled at by Mr. Green-eyed Goodness then must produce goofy smile in return.

He squats down on his haunches so he is eye level with me in my wheelchair. I think my smile gets bigger in closer proximity to his. He extends his hand and says in the most beautiful velvety voice, "I think we should introduce ourselves if we are going to keep running into each other. I'm Edward Cullen."

"Umm. Hi. I'm Bella Swan. It is nice to meet you." Yeah. I'm an author and I can work only words that first graders know. I am suddenly aware of how nasty I must look – my unshaven legs suddenly seem to be way too close to him. I try to surreptitiously tug my gown down to cover more of my body then I give up. Who knows how bad my hair is – nothing I can do about this disaster now.

"I was just about to run down to the hospital café and get something to eat. Ah, is there anything I can get for you?" The tips of his ears are pink and I notice him averting his eyes to the floor. A quick look down shows that I was flashing him a bit of nipple through those damn holes/pockets in the front of hospital gowns. _What the fuck are those hole-with-pocket-things even for?_ I grab the edges of my second gown and wrap it more securely around me. _Let's just live in pretend-land where this never happened._

"Oh, no. I'm good. I am sure I have some lovely meatloaf or something waiting for me in my room. But, if you have a moment, could you wheel me to my room? I would call for a nurse, but they are all pretty busy with shift-change." I figure if I was in for a bit of humiliation with nipple-gate, why not in for the whole thing? I was surprised to see his face absolutely transform with a big grin. If I thought he was beautiful before, I have no idea how I would describe him now. _Wow. Damn his baby-mama!_

"It would be my pleasure, actually, I can stop by while I am there and see Kate & Garrett." He steps behind me and slowly begins to push me toward the door. _In pretend-land I don't have a horrible flat bed-head spot/tangle at the back of my hair. _

"So your wife and son are here at the hospital? How is she doing with the whole premature baby nightmare?" I actually feel a modicum of empathy for Mrs. Green-eyed Goodness as baby-worry and pregnancy hormones do not a happy camper make.

"What? I don't have a wife or a son. Kate is the surrogate who carried Elizabeth and Garrett is her husband. She had a C-section so will be here for a few days and I know Garrett visits her every evening after he gets off work."

_Oh. My. God. I just found out there is no beautiful baby-mama but I found out when I look like a hooker after Super Bowl weekend. Fabulous._

"Oh. Sorry. I didn't mean to assume. It's just—"

"Don't worry about it. I realize that a single man having a baby through surrogacy isn't exactly common. I sort of expect the assumption that I knocked someone up the old fashioned way." I think I can actually _hear_ him wince. "Oh, lord. Please tell me I didn't just stick my foot in my mouth."

At this point, I am laughing at loud. It is actually nice to know that Mr. Green-eyed Goodness who was impossibly perfect in my imaginings is the somewhat fallible Edward Cullen pushing me toward the mother/baby unit. "Oh, you sure did! I was knocked-up the 'old fashioned way' but he-who-shall-not-be-named was off faster than a dress on prom night when I told him I was late. He didn't even stick around to see the positive pregnancy test. He gave up all rights plus a fat college trust fund and washed his hands of us. Good riddance. Personally, I think it would be worse to have an apathetic or hostile father than not have one at all." I realize I am sort of ranting and shut up. I wish I was facing him so I could at least smile and show him I am not a bitter old harpy, but my belly hurts and the thought of twisting around makes me want to cry.

As we reach the door to the mother/baby unit, I realize that because he isn't a father to a baby on the unit, he can't actually get in without their version of an FTA pat-down. I lie and say he is my baby's father and they let him right in.

"Sorry about that – I just didn't want to sit here while they gave you the third degree." Again, I am wishing I could smile at him. _Trust me, I am not a raving psycho._

"Actually, I was going to thank you. The last time I came into visit Kate, I felt like my privacy was violated. I am glad they have the security. Do you know they even have 'baby-low-jack' on the umbilical cord stumps? Kate was telling me you can't take the babies too close to the door or it sets off the alarm."

We are both quiet – probably thinking the same thing. No one would even try to steal our babies. 27-Week old preemies don't even look like babies. Besides, the babies would be dead from apnea/bradycardia before the thief reached the parking garage.

Pointing down the hallway to the left, I mumble "I'm in Room 603."

We continue to walk the short way in silence. Once we reach my doorway, Edward smoothly maneuvers me to the side of my bed. My room is cluttered with the detritus of my 5 weeks here in the hospital – books, magazines, pens, chapstick, water cups. I see Edward looking around the room. The only flowers I have are some sad looking purple hyacinth which still smell great, but look terrible. Most people gave up with the flower giving after my 2nd week in the hospital.

Edward had already locked the wheels to the chair so I start to lean down and flip the foot rests up, when I flinch back in pain. Oh, that really hurt my belly. Edward immediately kneels down to help me with the rests. Before I can push myself to standing, I feel Edward's hands around my ribs under my arms where he lifts me like a toddler to my feet. I'd probably be mortified if I weren't so tired and in pain but at this point I could be mooning him and I wouldn't care. He helps me to my bed then lifts my feet to put them on the bed too. Closing my eyes as I settle back onto my pillow, I feel his hand tuck a piece of hair behind my ear. Feeling those hormonal tears gather after his considerate treatment, I furiously fight them back and meet his eyes to give him my best smile.

"Thanks Edward. Really. I have a feeling we may be seeing quite a bit of each other in the NICU in the next few weeks. I'll pay you back with a cup of coffee?"

"Great. It's a date then." Edward flashes me the crooked smile and gives me a little wave, then turns and walks out the door.

**AN: I'll include a glossary of terms below. I'm not a nurse – just a mom of preemies who paid a lot of attention.**

**Also, you'll notice that I won't pay much attention to the babies' weight. Weight is really not that important in determining when a baby will be released from the NICU. The babies need to gain weight, but there is not a 'set' weight a baby needs to be before they are released. **

**Finally, please remember that although mortality (i.e. death) rates & percentages are important, morbidity (which refers to disabilities, illness or developmental delays) of pre-28 week preemies is also crucial. The mental and physical manifestations of prematurity can be devastating. Preemies deal with blindness, deafness, gross motor, fine motor, learning disabilities, life-long respiratory problems, etc. So even if a child makes it out of the NICU alive, that is not necessarily the end of the road.**

Glossary:

A&Bs – shorthand for apnea and bradycardia. Basically, preemies get tired and 'forget' to breathe (the apnea) which then slows their heart rate (bradycardia). I think sometimes they can have bradycardia without the apnea, but with my babies, it was always apnea then bradycardia. Nurses will literally go up to one of these tiny babies and tap on a foot or put a hand under their bottoms and wiggle them which 'reminds' them to breathe.

TPN – total parenteral nutrition. Basically, they are providing nutrients through the vein. Lots of people think IV fluid is 'feeding' them. It is not. 'Regular' IV fluid will keep you hydrated, but contains no nutritive value. None. Nada.

CPAP – Continuous Positive Airway Pressure. This is also used for adults who have sleep apnea. Basically a large nasal cannula is stuffed into their nose (and I mean STUFFED – it is not small like the nasal cannula you see on TV or you get after surgery – I used to think my kids looked like pigs when they would be off CPAP for short periods of time b/c their nostrils would be all stretched out) and air is passed through the tube at high pressure. Also, the air can contain more than ambient amounts of oxygen if needed. Of Note: some hospitals will put 'micro-preemies' directly on a ventilator. A ventilator breathes for them – so no A&Bs BUT it can be hard to wean a baby off a ventilator. The neonatologists that took care of my babies were very pro-CPAP and used ventilators only when the babies were at a life-threating stage. If you saw a vent in the NICU we used, you knew some poor baby was very seriously ill. In other NICUs, vents were very common. Just a difference in opinions.

PDA – Patent ductus arteriosus– basically a valve in the heart doesn't close until later in gestation. Most preemie PDAs resolve as they get closer to being released. If they don't resolve, then they are off to have heart surgery.


	13. The First Days

**AN: Still don't own Twilight, but it seems to own me. The story is mine.**

**Sorry for the delay in this chapter. Thanksgiving + in-laws = misery. 'Nuff said.**

**Chapter 12: The First Days – Life is Good**

**BPOV**

Edward left the room about 10 minutes ago, but I was still replaying every nuance of our interactions. Guilt warred with excitement over meeting with him. If it were any other time in my life, I would be ecstatic over talking with him, but I needed to be focusing on Anthony not flirting with a beautiful man. On the other hand, he was in the same boat I was – single parent, fragile newborn, looking at weeks in the NICU. It would be wonderful to spend some time with someone who was 'walking in my shoes'. Especially if that someone was sexy, kind and funny.

My thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. An older woman peeked her head in at me and smiled. "Hi, I am Caroline and am a lactation consultant. Kathy said you were interested in expressing breast milk for your son in the NICU?"

I smiled. "Oh, yes. I am happy to see you. Can we get started tonight?"

As I was talking, Caroline entered the room wheeling a cart. The cart contained a blue pump, a bag full of tubing and supplies as well as a pitcher of water. "Yes Bella, we can get started right now." She started to empty the bag full of supplies. While explaining in detail what she was doing, she retrieved some tubing and connected it to the pump. She then connected the tubing to the collection vials and screwed on the boob-attachments. "Each time you pump, you will use a new pre-packaged bottle to collect the milk. These bottles and caps can be found in the NICU so just grab a bag full next time you are there. Now let's get started! We will set the machine to relatively low speed/suction for this first time. Remember, some women express milk well with a pump, some women struggle a bit. Try to relax as much as you. You may only get a drop of colostrum this time, but _every drop is important_. Let's give this a try shall we?"

Caroline handed me one of the collection vials. After struggling with my gown, I finally got it positioned over my breast. I reached for the other collection vial but Caroline stopped me. "Why don't you just do one at a time until you get the hang of it."

"OK, turn that sucker on."

With a flip of the switch, the machine started to pump with a quiet swish-swish noise. I looked down to see my nipple being pulled forward by the suction. It felt sort of weird, but didn't hurt at all. After a few rounds, I see a drop of thick cream-colored liquid form on my nipple. _I am producing colostrum! Whopee! I can provide for my baby!_ For the first time, I feel like a 'real' mother. I can't hold or care for my son, but at least I can provide food. Caroline looks at me and smiles.

"Feels pretty good huh? You should know that research has shown that mothers of preemies produce 'special' breast milk. Your body seems to know that your preemie baby has different nutritional needs than a full-term baby. By providing breast milk, you really are giving your son the best possible nutrition."

I feel like my heart is soaring. I watch as a few more drops of colostrum are milked from my body and drip into the attached bottle. After 10 minutes, I have ~3 mL of colostrum collected from one breast. Caroline is beyond thrilled. She helps me switch to my left breast and turns the machine back on. "That is a huge amount of colostrum you have collected. Most mothers only produce one or two drops, if any, the first time they pump. The NICU is going to be so excited to see this." By the time I am finished, I have over 5 mL of milk for Anthony. Caroline shows me how to label it. Apparently, the NICU has a special freezer for breast milk for their patients. Every mother has their own set of pre-printed labels, so after the milk is expressed into a sterilized bottle, I label it, date it then put it in the freezer at the NICU for the nurses' to use for Anthony when he needs it.

We discuss how often and how long I should pump. In order to build up my supply, we come up with a plan for me to pump for 15 min every 2-3 hours. Caroline assures me that I don't need to wake up in the middle of the night to pump, but I know that I will. There is so little I can do for Anthony, providing milk really provides me with a feeling of being useful. If that is the only thing I can do, then I want to do it with 150%.

As Caroline is showing me how to disassemble and clean the equipment, there is a knock on the door. I quickly cover myself and have Caroline answer the door. An older volunteer enters the room carrying a beautiful arrangement of wildflowers. The room immediately fills with their amazing scent. "A delivery for Bella Swan, is that you Miss?"

"Ah, yes. You can just set them right here on my bedside table. Thank you very much." With a smile, he turns and leaves the room. I lean forward and grab the attached 'Congrats-it's-a-boy' card. Inside in beautiful penmanship is written:

**Bella, I hope these flowers brighten up your room like you brightened up my afternoon. It was wonderful to finally talk with you. I look forward to getting to know you better. Yours, Edward**

Wow. I can't believe he sent me flowers. If I was knocked over by the size of my crush before, I was drowning now. Is this guy for real? Is this some sort of cosmic joke? The time I finally meet the object of my fantasies, I am in the hospital AND the mother of a very fragile 27 week old preemie. _One day at a time Bella_.

The sound of a throat clearing startles me. I look up to see Caroline grinning at me. "Boyfriend?" she says as she points to the flowers.

"Oh, no. Um, it is complicated." I roll my eyes at myself as Caroline snorts.

"Romance always is." I stare at the flowers for a moment longer before Caroline interrupts my wandering thoughts. "Let me wheel you down to the NICU to show you where to store your milk and you introduce me to Anthony before you go to sleep for the night. Sound good?"

"Caroline, that would be great. Let me go to the bathroom, then I will be ready to go."

After using the bathroom and triple-checking that I am not flashing anyone inappropriately, I sit down in the wheelchair. Caroline grabs my newly produced and labeled milk and we head down the hall. As we get closer to the NICU, I can't help but wonder if Edward will be there. If he is, what do I say – well besides thanking him for the flowers. I really like him. I feel drawn to him, but I feel like now is NOT the time for romance. I mean, I am a new mother and I have a sick baby for crying out loud! I just got out of major surgery! I haven't been outside in almost 6 weeks! On the other hand, I know that finding someone special – either a boyfriend or friend - is not a gift to be summarily dismissed. _You aren't getting married tomorrow Bella. Just take things one day at a time._

As Caroline pushes me into the NICU, my eyes settle first on Anthony. He and his area look the same as they did a few hours before. My eyes slide to Elizabeth and notice that she too looks the same. Finally, Edward and I lock eyes. The smile that takes over both of our faces is completely natural and unavoidable.

**EPOV**

After leaving Bella's room, I feel a bit schizophrenic. Part of me is ecstatic that I have finally met my Coffeeshop Girl and she seems great. The other part of me is disgusted that I am thinking about dating a woman I met while my baby is in the NICU. _Slow down Edward. You aren't marrying her; you are getting to know her. _ I know from my unintentionally overheard conversation between Angela and Rose that her only family is Angela and her husband Ben. She has no one else. No husband/boyfriend lurking in the background, but no parents either. I suddenly feel lucky that I am going to be dealing with my over-emotive mother and loud-ass brother this evening.

Glancing at my watch, I realize the hospital café is closed so I will have to go to the small over-priced 'bistro' in the hospital lobby. On my way, I pass the hospital gift shop and am inspired. I duck in and pick out what I hope is the perfect gift. As I grab the little frou-frou bag, I make a mental note to run this by my mother. As much as I like to keep her out of my personal business, I am well aware that as a male I am just as likely to do something incredibly stupid as I am to do something thoughtful. You don't make it to 30 without making some stupid mistakes with women. I cringe as I think of my most recent foot-in-mouth with Bella. At least she didn't make me feel even more of an ass. I love how resilient she is. Some dude knocks her up then splits before she can even confirm it? Unbelievable. My first instinct was to find the guy and knock _him_ out but Bella had a great point. If he doesn't want to be a father, it would probably due more harm than good to force the issue. It is his loss.

Going through the food line, I grab a sandwich, chips and soda. As I am paying, I hear my loud-ass brother trying to pick up a woman in the lobby. Only Emmett would try to get a date in the lobby of a hospital. When he gets to the phrase 'sweet cheeks', I wince. The next thing I hear is a very irate female voice chewing him up and spitting him out. I wish I could hear what the woman is saying. Most women take one look at my lunk of a brother and drop their panties. Crass, but true. He claims it is the dimples – _whatever_. Sometimes I can't believe he is actually older than me.

As he passes the bistro, I wave him over to my table. I know he won't want to eat here as it would require him to take out a second mortgage on his house for the amount of food he consumes.

"Edward, dude! What is with the sissified gift bag? If you are buying something for Elizabeth, I don't think the bag is necessary and you look like an idiot carrying it." As he comes closer, he just gets louder and louder. I think his volume level is normalized for the football field.

Shamelessly, I go on the offensive to try and head off endless teasing. "Em, don't give me crap about the gift bag. I'm fucking stressed and I don't need you up my ass about it." Yeah. I am not afraid bringing up the sympathy card. _We are talking decades of teasing here. He still rags on me about wanting to dress up as Wonder Woman for Halloween. I was 3._ I don't feel guilty when he looks a bit contrite and changes the subject.

"So Mom or Dad here yet?"

"I haven't seen Mom but she said she would come by after shift change at 7:30. Apparently, the NICU prefers visits be kept to a minimum between 7 and 7:30 so they can change shift without all the parents underfoot." Seeing his irritated expression, I continue. "If you are already there, it's fine, but they don't want a bunch of people tromping in and out, making noise during that time." I was miffed when Patti first mentioned this, but once she explained that we would never be denied access to Elizabeth, I calmed down.

"What about Dad?"

"Dad is where he is every Wednesday, he is in the city giving his weekly lecture. He was going to try and stop by the hospital before he heads home if NJ Transit is on schedule and he makes the 8:15 train." We both snort at that. Dad is the epitome of unflappable, but he routinely flips his shit when he misses his train because he is talking with colleagues and students after the lectures.

After I finish my sandwich, we head toward the stairs. When we reach the 6th floor, we run into Mom coming out of the elevator.

"When did you boys get here? I would have been here sooner but I had to wait for a year to get an elevator."

"I just got here and ran into Edward at that restaurant downstairs." Emmett is sneaking looks at the gift bag in my hand. Damnit. He knows me well enough to know that I only still have it in my possession because it is either for Mom or I want to ask her about it. Otherwise, I would have hidden it in the trunk of my car. I have to set it down to wash my hands and put on that fucking hot gown. As I am laughing at Em, who is absolutely busting out of his gown, my mother notices the bag.

"Is that a gift bag I see? Did you buy something for Elizabeth? Can I see it? Is it—?" Cutting her off, I tell her I will talk about it later. Surprisingly, she lets it go. Maybe I don't have to play the sympathy card with Mom.

As we enter the NICU, my eyes automatically go to Elizabeth's warmer. My breathing eases when I see that everything looks the same as it was when I left earlier. A tall, thin middle-aged nurse is checking the IV pumps connected to Elizabeth. She turns to face us as we approach.

"Hello. You must be Elizabeth's daddy. My name is Betsy and I will be taking care of Elizabeth today. Patti said she had a good morning so hopefully we have an equally quiet night. She is doing quite well on CPAP, in fact, we were able to decrease the percentage oxygen in the air-mixture which is very good. Right now, she is down to 30% from 35%. If she continues to do well, she will probably be moved to an isolette tomorrow or the next day."

I could tell by her body language and expression that she really was pleased with Elizabeth's condition. Internally, I breathed a sigh of relief. _One day at a time._

My mother introduced herself then asked, "Any idea when she will be fed?"

"Well, I would imagine that she might be fed a bit tomorrow. It will depend on how well she does tonight. I assume you are going to be using formula?"

"Actually, the surrogate mother will be providing breast milk for at least a week or two. Kate claims she doesn't do well with a breast pump, but she is willing to try to produce as much milk as possible for us." I could have fallen to my knees and kissed Kate's feet when she said she would try to provide some breast milk. From the little I had gathered, breast milk was of special importance to preemies.

"Oh, that is _great_ news. A common problem with preemies is an intestinal disorder called necrotizing enterocolitis or NEC. Breast milk is so much easier for preemies to digest and by using breast milk, you reduce the chance she will develop NEC." Betsy turned to leave, and then stopped. "Oh, just an FYI, Elizabeth will probably be put under the bili-lights tonight or tomorrow. All preemies have to spend some time under the lights and it truly is not a big deal, I just wanted to give you a 'heads up'. Do you have any questions?" We all shook our heads. Betsy smiled then returned to the nurses' station.

Mom and I found stools to sit on while Emmett stood at the end of the warmer. For the longest time, we all just stared at Elizabeth. I stretched my hand out beside her tiny body. Her body was as long as my palm, her head the size of a small apple. Her little stick arm looked like one of my fingers. I don't think I would ever get used to how fragile and tiny she is.

After a while, my mom whispered "When do you think you will be able to hold her?"

I looked up to see her gazing at me with tears in her eyes. "I don't know mom. I have forced my mind into a one-day-at-a-time way of thinking. Getting ahead of myself will cause me to lose my sanity." I offered her a small smile to take the sting out of my words. Feeling a pressure on my shoulder, I looked at Emmett who had placed one of his massive paws on me in a gesture of comfort. Even Emmett looked close to tears.

To distract myself, I glanced over at Anthony's warmer. He was by himself right now. I wonder if Angela had to go home. Once Angela leaves, Bella will be completely by herself. That thought bothered me more than I thought it would.

At 9:30, Emmett excused himself to go home and get some sleep. I knew he had to get up early to coach early morning practice. He gave me a man-hug before walking quickly out of the NICU. Once the door closed behind him, my mother looked at me and smiled. _Oh, here we go._

"What is in the gift bag, Edward? Who is it for?" Man, she doesn't waste time does she?

"OK, Mom. I need some advice, but please let me do this my way, OK?" I met her eyes to find her nodding her head. "Mom, this is a bit awkward, but I met the mother of the baby next to us. The baby's name is Anthony."

Mom's head whipped around to look at Anthony's warmer. She turned around and waited for me to finish my story.

"Ah, Anthony's mother is this wonderful woman named Bella. Anthony's father is not in the picture. Um, we got to talking this afternoon. I, uh, bought her a present in the giftshop to sort of cheer her up. I wanted to make sure you thought it was OK." As I was rambling, I opened the bag and dug around all that fluffy thin tissue paper to bring out the tiny blue preemie outfit. It was one of those footie-PJ things and had "Mama Loves Me" written on the front. I held it up so Mom could see it. "Do you think this will cheer her up? Women seem to like clothes so I thought…"

Mom just stared at the little outfit forever. _Oh, damnit. Did I mess this up? Too forward?_ "Honestly Mom, I really like this woman. She is sharp, funny, tough and beautiful. I would like to get to know her, but this is such an awful time to do this. I am not even sure I should _want_ to get to know her. Maybe this is a bad idea. I'll just take it back—"

"Edward. Stop it. This is not a bad idea, I was just surprised. I don't think I have ever seen you so worked up over a woman." She just grinned at me. "The little preemie outfit is adorable. It is a wonderful idea – she will love it. When are you going to give it to her?"

"Oh, well, I haven't gotten that far. I want to see her again but I don't want to be a stalker. I am sure I will see her here in the NICU pretty soon."

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the NICU doors opened and a nurse wheeled Bella through. I watched as her eyes swept over Anthony's warmer then Elizabeth's warmer. Her body visibly relaxed as she recognized that they were both still OK. She then looked at me. My hands which were still holding up the tiny baby sleeper fell to my lap as we watched each other. In tandem, a warm smile formed on each of our faces.

The nurse continued to push Bella toward Anthony's warmer, not realizing she was interrupting the 'moment' Bella and I were having. _Sappy much?_ When she got to the other side of Anthony's warmer, our gaze was broken. I could hear Bella introducing the nurse to her son and I could feel my mother's gaze burning a hole in my forehead. "Mom, I'll introduce you, but _please_ let me give her the gift privately. _Please._" The last thing I wanted was an audience as I tried to get to know Bella even more. My pleading was interrupted as Bella appeared at the top of Elizabeth's warmer.

"Bella, I would like to introduce you to my mother Esme Cullen. Mom, this is Bella Swan." Both women were grinning at each other like they were old friends then my mother bent down and hugged Bella. What the fuck?

"Edward, this is _Bella_. I worked with her on her new home which is down the street from you on Pine. In fact, I designed the nursery in her home at the same time I put together the nursery in your home. Remember? I told you about her several times." I just stared at her blankly. Mom just sighed. "You never listen to your mother Edward. I know I told you about her. She is one of my favorite clients – just delightful and has great taste." She winked at Bella who just blushed.

I needed to get this stopped before they formed a mutual admiration society. My attempt to give my mother a pointed please-leave-me-alone-with-her look must have worked, because she began to gather up her things to leave.

"Bella, it was wonderful to see you again, but I need to get home so I can eat dinner with Carlisle. We can catch up when I come back to visit Elizabeth tomorrow. I'll be here mid-morning." Mom gave Bella another hug then almost bolted from the room. _Subtle Mom, real subtle._

Bella turned to me and quirked an eyebrow while I just grinned sheepishly. "I guess you didn't buy her 'casually' running from the room did you?" We both stared at each other for a moment before bursting into quiet laughter. "I'd apologize but my whole family is crazy so you kind of just have to get used to them."

Bella was still giggling when she spoke. "Oh Edward. I just love your mom. She really is wonderful. I had such fun working with her on my new house." I couldn't help the perma-grin that was plastered on my face. There was nothing better than the sound of her laughter. "Oh, I wanted to thank you for the flowers. They were just lovely and made my dreary hospital room look and smell wonderful."

"I'm glad you are enjoying them. I just wanted to make you smile." _Cheesy-much Edward?_ "I, uh, got you something else too. Umm. Here." I stuffed the outfit back in the silly bag and thrust it in her hands.

Bella looked at me with surprise. She carefully pulled the wadded blue sleeper out of the bag then smoothed it out on her lap gently. I felt like my heart was beating out of my chest. _Why am I so nervous? It is just a little sleeper outfit._ When she looked up at me, tears were running out of her beautiful big brown eyes and dripping down her cheeks.

When she finally spoke, her voice was hoarse with tears. "Edward, this is the best gift I have ever gotten. _Thank you_." She had to stop and clear her throat. Her next words were a whisper. "It has only been within the last few hours that I have actually felt like a mother. I pumped breast milk for Anthony right before I got here. It is the only physical thing I can do for him – I can't hold him or care for him or even change his diaper. But I can provide breast milk. Giving me this tiny sleeper – it reminds me that someday I will be able to dress him and feed him and hold him. I really _am_ his mother even if all I can do is provide milk and love. I love him so much. It hurts to feel like I am stuck on the sidelines." Her brown eyes stared into my green ones. "You understand don't you. You are also stuck on the sidelines like me. With me."

We both reached out and clasped hands while maintaining eye contact. I reached up with my other hand and wiped the tears from her face, then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. _She is so beautiful._

Elizabeth's monitor began to alarm, signaling an A&B. Both Bella and I turned to look at the monitor and Elizabeth but we did not relinquish the grip we had on our hands. Betsy came by and rousted Elizabeth, reminding her to breathe and the monitor alarm quieted. Bella squeezed my hand then dropped it, going over to Anthony's warmer to spend some time with him. We spent the next hour or so with our children, talking to them quietly and meeting each other's gazes frequently. At 10:30, I could read the fatigue on Bella's face. Walking over to her side, I asked if she wanted me to take her back to her room as I was on my way out. When she agreed, we both said our goodbyes to both babies.

I pushed Bella slowly back to her room so we could talk for as long as possible. Once back in her room, I helped get her to the bathroom before she settled in her bed. As I reluctantly began to say goodnight, Bella began to fidget before blurting out "You could stay if you want to."

The surprise must have been written all over my face because she quickly explained. "I have to pump more breast milk for Anthony so I will be up for another 30 minutes or so. If it won't make you uncomfortable, I would love your company. I understand if you are too tired—"

A chance to spend more time with Bella? _Oh, hell yes._ "I would love to keep you company. I think it is pretty obvious that I truly enjoy talking with you." We were both grinning like fools.

"Oh, OK. I'm glad you can stay. Let me get my stuff together. I haven't done this on my own, so I may not be very 'smooth' at this yet. I apologize ahead of time if I end up flashing you or something." Her face was bright red at this point.

"Don't be embarrassed Bella. I can turn my back if you would be more comfortable. Whatever you want or need me to do, OK?"

She visibly relaxed. "Thanks. I just feel sort of awkward. This is not how I pictured the first time you saw my breasts." Bella turned absolutely beet red when the words left her mouth. "Not that I had pictured, I mean, not that you would want—"

I was laughing so hard that she could do nothing but join me. We were both in stitches, gasping for breath. Poor Bella's incision must have been sore because she started grabbing at her stomach and trying to quit laughing. Realizing that must really hurt, I took deep breaths to get myself under control.

Wiping the tears from my eyes, I met her eyes. "Thanks for the laugh, even if unintentional. I needed that. Being in your company is just so wonderful." As I looked at Bella, I was struck with how _stunning_ she is. Her laughter made her eyes bright, her cheeks pink and her mouth—don't get me started on her mouth. Every fiber of my being wanted me to lean over and kiss her. Ungh. The air was suddenly thick with electricity. My eyes flicked back and forth between her gaze and her lips. She also seemed to have trouble keeping her eyes away from my mouth. I licked my lips nervously and swore I heard a small moan from her.

A crying baby in the room next door broke the spell. Taking a deep breath, I asked what I could do to help her get set up to pump. After insisting that she stay in bed, she directed me to get the pump, tubing and collection stuff. I watched her connect everything, handing her things as needed. Once everything was assembled, there was another moment of awkwardness. She had no way to get to her breasts besides lifting her gown up or pulling the neck down.

"Bella, do you want me to just leave or turn my back? It should be obvious by now that I want to spend as much time as possible with you, but not if it is going to make you uncomfortable. We have plenty of time in the future to spend together. In fact, I plan on it."

"I really don't want you to go. Please don't go. Maybe you can just turn your back until I get myself situated? Is that OK?" She was biting her lip nervously. _Oh, please don't do that. My jeans are already too tight. Her mouth is just begging to be kissed. Way to get all turned on by a woman who just got out of surgery. Classy Cullen. Classy._

I turned my back to Bella and heard the sound of fabric rustling. In an attempt to try and ease the subtle tension, I began to ramble on about my family. I told her about Emmett, about growing up with Em as an older brother. After a few moments, I heard her switch on the pump. Keeping my back turned, I grabbed a chair and began to sit down.

"Edward, you can turn around now. I would much rather look at you while talking to you as you have the most beautiful green eyes."

Turning around, I took a seat next to her bed. Bella was sitting up in bed and had covered her chest up with a hospital blanket. Of course, by pulling up the blanket, she had exposed the lower half of one creamy leg to my gaze. _Not helping the tight-pants situation._

As the machine worked, Bella and I talked. We talked about my crazy family. She talked about Angela and Ben. I talked about my job. She talked about how she loved writing. I could listen to her for days and not get bored. After about 20 minutes, I turned around again and she switched sides. We continued to talk. By the time she was finished, I felt like I knew her so much better, but ironically felt the need to know even _more_ about her.

Despite her protests, I cleaned the collection equipment in the sink while she labeled the milk she had collected. I went out and got her some fresh water and a snack so she would be set before I left for the night. _ I didn't want to leave. I wanted to crawl up in bed beside her and just hold her._

"Bella, I really enjoyed our time together today. Can I see you again tomorrow? Maybe take you to breakfast or lunch?"_ Please say yes. Please say yes. Please say yes._

"Yes, of course. I love spending time with you too. Give me a call when you get in – I'll either be in my room or the NICU."

The sound of another crying baby could be heard next door. _How does she handle that? I would be out of my mind with jealousy having to hear all of those 'healthy' babies._ Looking into her eyes, I saw that it did bother her. I wanted to just take her in my arms and make it all go away.

I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. "Bella, here is my phone number. Call me _anytime_ you need to talk. OK? Promise you will call if you need me – please. I want to be there for you."

Bella took the piece of paper and I could see her eyes were glassy with tears. "Thank you Edward."

As I stood to leave, Bella adjusted her bed so that she was lying down flat. I reached up and turned off the over-the-bed light so the only light in the room was from the bathroom. Bella looked so small in the white hospital bed. I leaned over her, placing my hands on either side of her shoulders. Bending down, I placed a lingering kiss on her forehead. My voice was husky as I whispered "Goodnight Bella."

"Goodnight Edward."

**AN: Sorry for the delay in updating. The next chapter will hopefully be out faster. As always, I would appreciate your thoughts. I'm new at this and could use the help.**


	14. Meeting Basic Needs

**AN: S.M. owns Twilight. I own this story.**

**A BIG shout-out to Cocoalvin. Her encouraging reviews mean the world to me. I never realized how important reviews are to authors until I became one. Thanks sweetie.**

**Chapter 13: Meeting Basic Needs**

**BPOV**

Day 3:

I woke a 3AM to go to the bathroom and while I was up I decided to go ahead and use the breast pump. I can't believe it, but I am apparently a human cow. Even though I have only pumped a handful of times and my milk hasn't come in yet, I am producing ~5 mL of thick creamy colostrum each time. The NICU nurses are thrilled each time I bring in my labeled bottle. I will never get over the feeling of satisfaction for being able to provide food for my son. The sense of pride and love I have is indescribable.

Whenever I take my milk down to the NICU, I always visit with Anthony for a while. It is so quiet in the NICU at this time of night. The nurses keep the lights on very low and speak even more quietly than usual. It is almost peaceful. The monitor alarms still go off at jarring intervals, but I have found that I am almost used to it. In the hour I was there, Anthony had two A&Bs while Elizabeth had three. Each time, the nurses get up and 'roust' them to help remind them to breathe. Since Edward is not there, I sit on a stool in between the two warmers. I feel very maternal toward Elizabeth, whether that is because she is so similar to Anthony or because of the connection I feel with her father I don't know. I just know that I find myself watching over her and thinking of her with as much frequency as I do Anthony. Strangely, I don't feel conflicted or guilty about it. It just feels right. Besides, Elizabeth is a baby – in my opinion, it is impossible to love a baby too much.

At 7:30 AM, I wake to the arrival of the muffin cart. The muffin-cart-lady has saved my daily blueberry muffin and carton of juice. I think I will actually miss her when I finally go home. Thinking of leaving actually brings a pain to my chest. As much as I want to go home and sleep in my own bed, I don't want to leave Anthony here without me. I will be a 10 minute drive away instead of a 3 minute walk down the hall. Pushing the thought away, I wipe the tears from my eyes and reach for the pump. I decide to try and pump both breasts at one time, no time like the present. After some juggling and rearranging, I finally get both boob-adapters positioned correctly and turn on the machine. Fifteen minutes later, I have almost 10 mL of colostrum ready to take to the NICU. Before I can leave, my nurse Pat comes in to do her assessment. The doctor has switched me to oral antibiotics so I can have my IV removed! Oh, this is a good day! Once I am free of the IV tubing, I decide to take a real shower before I run to the NICU. Washing my hair and shaving my legs never felt so good. As I am brushing out my hair, I have to admit to feeling somewhat excited to see Edward now that I no longer look like a banshee. I wonder when he gets to the hospital? Is he a morning person? How long will he stay today?

After brushing and drying my hair, I am suddenly overcome with exhaustion. I can't believe that taking a shower has sapped my energy so that I can barely move. Reluctantly deciding that I just can't make it down to the NICU, I ring for the nursing tech and ask her to take my milk to the NICU. I crawl into bed and immediately fall asleep.

When I wake at 11:00 AM, the first thing I am aware of is that my breasts are HUGE and hard as rocks. Oh my god, they hurt. Is this normal? I feel wetness on my gown and realize I am leaking milk. Wow. I guess my milk has come in with a vengeance. I grab the pump and get it set up as quickly as I can praying the whole time that pumping with make me feel better. When I get situated and turn it on, milk starts spraying out of my nipples. Good Lord, I really am a human cow. I pump until no more milk comes out and my breasts are soft then pump for 5 minutes more. I really want to make sure I have a well established milk supply. When I look to see how much I milk I have, I realize that each breast produced 30 mL. I have over 2 ounces of milk from my first time! Feeling like super-mom, I label the bottles and get up to take them to the NICU.

When I get to the NICU, I wash my hands and put on my gown. The milk freezer is located in the same room so I open the freezer and put the bottle in the bin marked 'ANTHONY'. I notice that there is now a bin marked 'ELIZABETH'. I know that Edward said that Kate was going to try and pump for Elizabeth, but somehow Edward seemed to think that she might not be very successful with it. Looking in the bin, I notice that there is only one bottle with literally a few drops of colostrum in the bottom. _Oh no_. I look at the stickers and realize that the tiny amount is the result of _three_ pumping sessions. Kate really is having trouble producing milk. My heart breaks realizing that Elizabeth might not have enough breast milk to drink. Maybe when Kate's milk comes in she will start to make enough. God, I hope so.

Entering the unit, my eyes immediately take in the change. Both Anthony and Elizabeth are still on warmers but are now under bili-lights. The blue lights are blinding. Edward has taken my late-night spot on the stool in between the two warmers. He is currently talking to Anthony while holding Elizabeth's hand. _I wish I could hear what he is saying to him._ After a few moments, he looks up at me and smiles that heart-stopping crooked grin. Like a tractor beam, it pulls me to him.

"Morning Edward. How are you? The babies OK?" Belatedly, I realize I referred to the babies in a way that could be mistaken for joint ownership. If he notices, Edward makes no sign of it.

"Both of them have had a good morning. Each one has had a handful of A&Bs, but Rose assures me that the number is not out of the ordinary. Also, they are doing so well that I think they are going to try feeding them this afternoon. You just missed Dr. Burns, he was here on rounds about 30 minutes ago. I heard him talking to Rose about attempting feeding. That sounds like good news right? They wouldn't be talking about feeding them if they weren't doing well right?" I could read both excitement and apprehension in his face. Or maybe I was just projecting my own feelings onto him.

"That does sound good. I just made another donation to Anthony's milk bank. How is Kate doing with pumping? Has she been able to collect any colostrum? Has her milk come in?" I am dying to know if what I saw in the freezer is the only milk available for Elizabeth.

The look on Edward's face answers my question. His face falls as he answers. "Kate is not having much luck. When she tried to pump for the baby she had during her last surrogacy, she was unable to collect much milk. Apparently, when her milk came in, she collected less than an ounce and it just went downhill from there. By the end of the week, her milk supply was gone. Kate said she could never 'let down' for the pump." Edward opens his mouth to say something else, but changes his mind and looks away.

I reach over and put my hand on his forearm. "Edward, you can talk to me you know. You have been there for me during this nightmare, please let me return the favor." Edward takes a deep breath, then slowly looks up to meet my eyes. I am stunned to see his eyes are filled with tears.

His voice is a rough whisper when he answers me. "I feel like such a jerk, but I find myself feeling angry and even resentful. The logical part of me knows that Kate is such a wonderful person – she carried Elizabeth, gave up 27 weeks of her life for her and could have died from pre-eclampsia. But I am so upset that she can't provide milk for Elizabeth. From what I have read and heard here in the NICU, breast milk is so much easier for preemies to digest. Preemies that get breast milk are much less likely to develop that intestinal problem than babies who get formula. I am terrified that Elizabeth will develop NEC – all because she can't get breast milk. Sometimes I feel so guilty – I wanted a baby so badly. I want to be a father more than anything. And look what happened – my daughter is fighting for her life and may have life-long complications from her early birth. All because I am a selfish fuck who wanted a baby. I should have-" His voice broke off in a sob and tears were beginning to leak from his eyes.

I grabbed his hand and quickly led him back to the pumping room. I know he would not want the whole unit see him in a moment of vulnerability. The pumping room is a bad choice, but it was the only private room available in the NICU that I knew of. There was only one chair in the tiny room, a rocking chair with a pump next to it. I pushed him into the chair then sat on his lap and tucked his head under my chin against my chest and wrapped my arms around him. As I began to rub his back and run my fingers through his soft hair, he began to sob. Heart-rending, rough, harsh sobs. I found myself crying right along with him. Wordlessly, we cried out our fears – will our babies survive? What kind of long term problems will they have? Will they be normal? Normal intelligence? Normal behavior? Normal physical abilities? We cried out our irrational yet still there guilt – we brought these children into the world and yet we feel we have already failed them because they arrived too early. If we hadn't wanted to be parents, then they wouldn't be here suffering. We cried out our jealousy and anger – Why us? why couldn't we have well-babies? Why are our babies in the NICU and not in the well-baby nursery? Why can't we take our babies home with us? Why are they in the NICU being cared for by people other than us? We are their parents, but we can't care for them! Finally, we cried out our loneliness and isolation. No one but other parents of preemies truly understands what it is like to be the parent of a preemie.

Not one word passed between us for 30 minutes while we cried and rocked and comforted each other. Words were not necessary. We understood each other. We were the two halves of one whole. We gradually grew quiet but our rocking and soft caresses never ceased. At some point, our red-rimmed eyes met each other's gaze. My hand moved to caress his beautiful face; while his hand cupped the back of my neck. And just like that, we understood. We recognized each other's pain and insecurity and fears because they were our own as well. We identified each other's joy and excitement and anticipation of the future because we felt the same.

When we leaned forward and our lips met in a soft, warm, gentle and loving kiss, we knew we had found understanding and acceptance and love. We found home.

**AN: Let me know what you think please. I am a bit unsure about this chapter and could really use some constructive criticism.**


	15. Got Milk?

**AN: I don't own Twilight, but I do own the story.**

**Chapter 14: Got Milk?**

**EPOV**

I had been obsessing about the milk available to Elizabeth ever since I saw Kate bring back another drop of colostrum. My anxiety shot through the roof when I heard Dr. Burns talk to Rose about feeding them sometime during her shift. _What am I going to do?_ Honestly, I had no options. I had investigated breast milk banks, but they were expensive and not readily available. I knew that there was specially formulated 'preemie' formula, but that was obviously not nearly as good as breast milk. I had even read that breast milk from a mom who gave birth to a preemie is actually different than milk from a full-term mother. The anger/guilt/anxiety over Kate's inability to produce milk was keeping me up at night.

When Bella came in before lunch to visit her son, I was so happy to see her. _When are you NOT happy to see her Cullen?_ However, when she brought up the lack of milk available to Elizabeth, the stress of the past few days just came crashing down. Looking into her big brown eyes, I _knew_ she understood. My mom and dad felt like they understood because they were parents, but they didn't really. Neither Emmett nor I had ever spent a day in the hospital, much less overnight. Bella was walking in my shoes. I could see the empathy in her eyes. I felt the worries just flood out of me. Before I knew what happened, I was in that small little closet-room, sitting on a soft rocking chair and sobbing into Bella's chest. After I had cried out all of my emotional disaster, I felt myself being calmed by her scent, her small hands running over my back and through my hair. Even though I had really only known her for a few days, I felt safe. I felt loved. I felt understood.

I looked up at her beautiful tear-stained face for several long moments. My heart literally felt like it would burst in my chest. Moving together, we met in the middle and kissed. I didn't kiss her and she didn't kiss me – it was 100% mutual. It was warmth and love and safety and _home_.

After falling apart together and our sweet kiss, it felt like pieces just fell into place. There was no awkwardness. No embarrassment. No sideways glances. Our chaste kiss ended and we both knew it was the beginning.

End of Day 3

After much discussion, it was decided to not feed either Anthony or Elizabeth today. Instead, they were both moved into an isolette. Even though they were both on CPAP, there was some discussion of taking Elizabeth off of it for an hour or so every shift to see how she would do. Elizabeth's A&Bs were slightly lower in number than Anthony's which is the only reason I could figure why they would try that with him and not her.

I could tell the NICU staff was somewhat thrown by Bella and my 'relationship'. With privacy laws being so strict, they tried very hard to not discuss cases in front of other parents. However, Bella and I had an unspoken need to know about both babies so we always made a point to have the other one nearby when talking with the staff. When one of the nurses' tried to stop me from touching Anthony, both Bella and I added each other to the 'allowed to visit' roster for the other's baby so we would have full access to both babies in the event we were by ourselves.

Neither one of us had been able to hold our babies which I could tell was really killing Bella. I would sometimes see her watching the other parents holding their babies and she had such a look of longing on her face. Honestly, I was somewhat terrified of holding Elizabeth, so I didn't even feel like pushing the issue. Even though she would fit in the palm of my hand, she just looked too fragile to move. Having them moved to the isolettes did make them look somewhat more like babies since they weren't all splayed out like chicken carcasses. I was tired of the bili-lights though. A few more days and I was told they would be gone for good.

At 6:00pm, I could tell that Bella was fading fast. We had eaten a quick lunch in her room at noon, but she hadn't had anything to eat since then. I also knew her feet and bottom were bothering her. (She had confided to me that her feet and butt were bruised from being on bedrest for so long). So after seeing her yawn for the second time in ten minutes, I decided to get her to go back to her room, eat then go to sleep.

"Bella, why don't we head back to your room so you can get some food and sleep?"

I knew she was tired when she didn't even pretend to argue. She just smiled and nodded her head. "That sounds good. Will you eat dinner with me again? Or are you mother and father expecting you?"

"Mom, Dad and Emmett will be here after shift change. I'm too hungry to wait for them and I would rather eat with you anyway." I couldn't help but grin at her. She was just so beautiful.

I grabbed a wheelchair, got her situated and headed toward her room. As we passed the well-baby nursery, she reached up behind her and grabbed my forearm. I couldn't help but lean down and kiss the top of her head. I knew the jealousy and pain she felt. I felt the same way.

Dinner service must have been a bit behind because it still hadn't been delivered. Once Bella got up on her bed she shuffled around a bit then told me she was going to go ahead and pump. I could tell she felt somewhat conflicted about telling me – whether she was shy or felt bad because of Kate's inability to provide milk, I didn't know.

"That's fine Bella, I will go ahead and run down to the café and get my dinner. How much time do you need?"

"It only takes me about 15 minutes, but don't worry about staying away, I am getting much better about doing this without flashing the whole room." Even though her words were confident, her cheeks were very pink with a blush.

"I'll be sure and knock before I come back in – OK? Anything you need from the cafe or before I go?"

"No, I am fine." She blushed again, then added a quiet "Please hurry back."

With a smile, I reached over and kissed her forehead before leaving the room. I ran downstairs and grabbed a slice of pizza with a soda. _I need to find the time for Emmett and the gym – this food is going to kill me._ As I was passing by the dessert section, I impulsively grabbed a piece of chocolate cake. _Most women like chocolate right?_ Juggling my food, I paid and hurried back to the stairs.

When I reached the mother/baby unit, I realized that I would probably get a lot of grief from the security guard. Luckily, he recognized me and waved me on through. When I reached Bella's door, I realized I had no idea how long I was gone. Additionally, I didn't have a free hand to check my watch. _Damnit._ The door was cracked open, so I just nudged it open a bit more and tried to announce my presence.

"Hello? Bella? Is it OK to come in?" I could hear the whoosh-whoosh of the pump. Obviously, she wasn't done yet. _ Please let her be covered up. She doesn't know that I have been obsessed with her nipples since I got a glimpse that first time I talked with her. I don't think I have the strength in me not to stare at those lovely rose nipples—_

"Edward? Are you there?" Her voice was getting louder. Obviously I had been standing out here longer than I thought I had. "You can come in, I'm decent."

Peeking my head around the corner, I see Bella with her hands holding two bottles in front of her that are each half-full of milk. Luckily (or unluckily), her breasts are covered by her nightgown which seems to have weird, long openings in the front.

"I'm almost finished. Maybe another 5 minutes?" Her face is still pink and I can see that she is trying to double-check that she is all covered.

I am trying to look anywhere but her chest but it is so difficult. The horny 17 year old in me wants another peek at her breasts, especially after I spent almost an hour with my face half-buried in her chest this morning. I am such a pervert for thinking sexual thoughts about a woman who gave birth not 3 days ago.

"That's fine. Do you want me to wait here or in the waiting room?" _Please say here. Please say here. Please say-._

"Here. If you aren't uncomfortable."

I take a seat next to her bed and pull up the side table. Her tray has obviously been delivered while I was gone. I set down my pizza and piece of cake then step into her bathroom to wash my hands. When I come back out, Bella reaches forward and turns off the pump. I can't tear my eyes away as she pulls the collectors from her chest – alas, no glimpses for my inner pervert – and starts to disassemble the equipment. My mouth falls open when I realize how much milk she has collected. Wow. She has well over 50 mL in the bottle. She labels the bottle and caps it then starts to stand up.

I move to her side of the bed where she is starting to put her feet down. "Whoa. Anything I can do to help?"

"Oh, well. Yes, I guess. I need to wash these pieces with hot water and the baby soap in the bathroom then dry them, then I need to take the milk down to the NICU freezer."

"Let me do that, you can get started on your lovely meal." I take the plastic pieces into the bathroom and wait about 4 years for the water to get really hot. After washing and drying each piece, I lay them out on a towel. When I walk back into the room, Bella is sitting next to her untouched meal, but drinking some OJ.

"I'll wait to eat with you when you get back from the NICU." I start to protest when she cuts me off, "I really hate eating alone. I'll wait."

I grab the milk which is still warm and walk briskly down to the NICU. It is 7 pm and the beginning of shift change, but I can't help but peek my head into the unit. Both Elizabeth and Anthony are still in their isolettes. Rose is talking to Stephanie who is obviously taking over Anthony's care. A different nurse is looking over Elizabeth's station. My heart clinches, I really want to go in, but I am also starving and want to eat dinner with Bella. As much as I love my daughter, I do need some time out of the NICU. It is so emotionally draining to be in there.

After placing Bella's milk in the freezer, I can't help but be amazed at how much milk is in there already. Wow. Bella is obviously not having trouble producing milk. Surprisingly, I don't feel envious at all, I am only relieved. I would hate for Anthony to be facing a milk shortage like Elizabeth is. I am also happy Bella has one less thing to worry about.

Bella is one the phone when I get back to her room. It is obvious she is talking to Angela. Once she sees me, she quickly wraps up the conversation and says goodbye.

"The babies look good. Stephanie has Anthony tonight and another nurse has Elizabeth. Both are still in their isolettes." My reports earns me a smile from Bella. We both have figured out that there is a 'bed hierarchy' in the NICU – warmers are for the sickest, most fragile patients, isolettes are the next level down and bassinettes are for the healthiest babies. Being in isolettes means our babies are doing relatively well or at least improving.

"Thanks Edward. Now are you hungry? Your pizza is probably cold by now."

"My pizza was cold when I bought it. It can only improve with age right?" I don't mind cold pizza, goodness knows I have eaten tons of it in college and graduate school.

We talk about nothing and everything through dinner. We debate about movies and books. We talk about music and make suggestions to each other. Over the shared piece of chocolate cake, we talk about our babies – our fears, our hopes, our overwhelming immediate love for them.

Bella is fighting a yawn when my phone alerts me to a text. Crap. It is after 8:00, my mom and dad want to know where I am.

"Bella, I am going to head back to the NICU. Do you need anything before I leave?"

"Gosh, no. You have been so great to me today. Please tell your family I said hi. And give Anthony an extra squeeze for me? Please?" She looks heartbroken to be staying in bed, but we both know she is exhausted.

"Sure baby. I'll tell him that his Mama is thinking about him all the time." After Bella lowers her bed down, I help her get settled and rearrange her blankets around her small frame. I reach over and run my hand through her thick hair at her temple a few times before she grabs my hand and kisses my palm. Our eyes meet and hold in the low light of the room. Knowing it is right, I bend down and kiss her little rose-bud lips. After a few chaste kisses, I feel the tip of her tongue on my bottom lip. I open my mouth and she sucks on my bottom lip before our tongues gently tangle together. We kiss for a few more minutes - gentle, loving kisses – before we break apart to catch our breath. I reach forward and cup her face in my hands and place one more kiss on her lips. "Sleep well Bella. I'll see you in the morning."

I can't help but kiss her once on the forehead before I turn around and leave the room, turning out the last light on my way out the door. I felt like I was leaving something of myself behind.

My evening visit in the NICU with my parents and brother was interesting to say the least. My father had trouble not lapsing into 'doctor mode' even though he hasn't been around a baby in ages. He kept checking the machines and asking questions of the nurses. Mom spent most of her time whispering to Elizabeth and trying to ask me questions about my 'emotional wellbeing'. Emmett spent most of his time trying not to knock into the equipment every time he fidgeted. I sat on my stool in between Elizabeth and Anthony, since mom was spending so much of her attention on Elizabeth, I spent quite a bit of time holding Anthony's hand and talking to him. Unfortunately, this just shifted mom's questions to probing about my 'relationship' with Bella and Anthony.

A little before 10 pm, we all decided to go home and get some sleep. This was the worst part of the day for me, I hated going home and leaving Elizabeth here. It was so painful and nerve-wracking. I felt like a crappy father for leaving her here without me, but the logical side of my brain knew that this was going to be a long haul. Conventional wisdom says that preemies stay in the hospital until they would have been born – so I was looking at approximately 13 weeks of this. I knew I had to eat, sleep and take care of myself so that I didn't get sick myself. If I was sick, they wouldn't let me in to see her. Thank goodness it was the beginning of summer instead of cold/flu season.

The drive home to the hospital was short, only 10 minutes. I stripped down to my boxer briefs and fell into bed. After worrying about Elizabeth for about 15 minutes, I finally let my mind drift to Bella and our day together. I finally fell asleep with the memory of our kisses running through my mind.

Day 4:

I woke up at 8 AM feeling great, I must have slept like the dead. After showering and grabbing a quick breakfast, I drove to the hospital. My 10 minute normal drive took 20 due to the morning NJ traffic. By the time I found a parking spot in the parking garage and got to the 6th floor, it was 8:45. After a bit of debating, I decided to go to the NICU first, thinking that Bella might already be there.

Walking through the NICU doors, I was relieved to see that both babies were still in their isolettes and everything looked the same as yesterday. Bella was perched on the stool, sitting on a pillow, in between the two isolettes. Her face broke out into a beautiful smile when I walked in.

"Good morning Edward. The babies are doing great. Anthony had only a handful of A&Bs last night and Elizabeth had even less."

"That is great. What are their weights? Did they say? Are they gaining yet?"

"Umm, no. They are still losing. Anthony is at 2 lbs even and Elizabeth is just above 2 lbs. Rose seemed to think that they would still lose weight in the next few days. She seemed to think that they would start to gain by the end of the first week."

"Any word on feeding? Is today the day?" I was still conflicted about this. I didn't check the freezer this morning, I wonder if Kate's milk had come in.

"Yup. They are going to feed them both mid-morning. Oh! Rose also said that they took Elizabeth off of CPAP for 30 minutes last night and that she did so-so. Unfortunately, that was when she had most of her A&Bs so they put her back on. I don't know when they will try again."

At this point, Rose came up and gave me a recap of what Bella had just told me. After going over everything that went on late last night, she asked to speak to me privately. _This doesn't sound good._ I looked over to Bella to see her staring back at me in concern.

"Oh, it is OK. Bella can hear what you have to say if it is about Elizabeth. I'll just tell her later anyway." I tried to smile, but I think my nerves made it look a bit strained. Glancing at Bella out of the corner of my eye, she looked a bit pale.

"Are you sure? You might want to hear this in a private room." _Oh my god._ My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Seeing my panic, Rose rushed to reassure me. "Elizabeth is fine, this is about the feeding today."

"No. Just tell me here. I don't want to leave the babies, I just got here."

"OK, well. We got a call from Kate's doctor this morning. Apparently, Kate has been put on some stronger antibiotics due to what could be the start of an infection of her C-section site. Because the antibiotics could cause hearing loss, we can't give any milk that she produces to Elizabeth. I looked in the freezer and we have 1 mL which is enough for two feedings since we start with 0.5 mL each feeding. I'm so sorry. I know you really wanted to give her breast milk, but most preemies do just fine on the formula. Or you could—"

Bella's voice interrupted Rose "I have plenty of milk. Give Elizabeth my milk. I'm healthy and goodness knows I have more than enough."

Rose and I looked at Bella in shock while Bella just smiled at both of us.

"Bella, I can't ask that of you."

"You are not asking. I am offering. I love Elizabeth. I couldn't stand to see her develop NEC while I just sat by and did nothing about it."

Rose interjected. "I'm not sure that is allowed. I have no idea if they would even let us give Anthony's milk to Elizabeth."

Bella snorted. "That is stupid. If it makes you feel any better, I will take some of Kate's ID labels and label a few bottles as Elizabeth. If they are 'labeled' correctly, who is to know? Right? No one would get in trouble and Elizabeth would get her milk. Simple. I'm not about to let some bureaucratic lawyer BS keep Elizabeth from getting breast milk."

Both Rose and I were speechless. My sweet kind Bella really had some backbone when it came to getting what she wants. Rose looked at Bella. "That sounds like a good plan, but I know nothing of it. Understood?" When Bella nodded, Rose got up and walked back to the nurses' station.

I turned back to Bella and opened my mouth, but no words came out. Could I in good conscious say 'no' to this when it could mean everything to Elizabeth? Bella offered freely. After staring at her for what seemed like hours, I finally whispered "Are you sure?"

"Yes."

**AN: So there you go. I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think.**


	16. The Very Best Worst Day

**AN: Yet again, I don't own Twilight. I just own this story.**

**Another shout-out to my reviewers – iambananas, cocoalvin, TD69, Twilight Mother, RPL13 and imabwrighter. You guys have no idea how much your support means to me.**

**Chapter 16: The Very Best Worst Day**

**BPOV**

Day 5:

The cheap industrial clock on the wall read 2AM. I knew today was going to be difficult. Today was the day I had to be discharged from the hospital. I had to leave my baby in the NICU while I went home to an empty house. The thought of going home while leaving him here just destroyed me. Spending my time vacillating between anger and grief at this situation left me exhausted, but I knew I would have trouble sleeping. In 12 hours, we would no longer be in the same building. The thought haunted me and kept me restless.

I finally gave up and decided to pump. I couldn't believe how quickly my breasts filled with milk – they were fully engorged after less than 3 hours. The nurse said that I could probably extend the time between pumpings, but now that I was providing milk to two babies, I didn't want to slow down. I was getting almost an ounce from each breast each time I pumped. The nurses' couldn't believe how much I produced. Providing milk to Anthony and Elizabeth was the best feeling in the world. I felt useful. I felt needed. I felt like a good mother.

After labeling the bottles – one with my name, the other with Kate's name so Elizabeth could have it – I walked down to the NICU to put the milk in the freezer and visit with the babies. Tonight was the last night I could visit without requiring a vehicle to get to the hospital.

After washing up and donning a gown, I walked into the NICU. I really loved the NICU in the middle of the night. When I walked in, Betsy has Elizabeth stripped down to nothing – no CPAP, no leads - so she could be weighed for the night. I was about to find the disposable camera and take a picture for Edward when I noticed that Elsie had it in her hands and was snapping a few photos. I peeked over at the scale – 835 grams. I knew that was below 2 lbs but I had no idea by how much. Denise had obviously just finished weighing Anthony. He was buried in CPAP and leads and IVs. I wish I had been able to see him without all of that garbage.

As I walked over to the isolettes, Denise gave me a big smile. As I started to perch on the stool in between the two isolettes, she stopped me and uttered the words that would change my life: "Would you like to hold your son?"

I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs and my heart began to beat frantically in my chest. _Hold my son._ I just stared at her while she smiled gently at me.

"Of course. I never thought I would be able to hold him this soon. Look at me – my hands are shaking!" Sure enough, my fingers were trembling from adrenaline. _I was going to get to hold my son._ **I was going to hold my son!**

Denise had me sit in a glider next to his isolette. She walked into the NICU storage closet and came out with three receiving blankets. The layered the 3 blankets and set me on my lap. Next, she opened the isolette and began to gather up the wires and IV tubing into a neat bundle. By this time, Betsy had settled Elizabeth back into her isolette and came over to help Denise. Betsy held the CPAP tubing while Denise grabbed the wire/tubing in one hand and picked up Anthony in her other hand. She settled Antony in my lap and quickly swaddled him in the blankets she had placed there. In order to support the 'heavy' CPAP tubing, they used a safety pin to pin it to my gown. The whole process took over 10 minutes even with their careful and efficient movements. By the time Denise and Betsy took a step back, I had Anthony in my arms – he was more bundle than baby. I could only see his little eyes, nose (with the CPAP tubes stuffed in it) and mouth. Of course, his mouth also had the nasal-oral tube in it. He was beautiful.

I don't know how long I sat in that chair and rocked Anthony. I quietly talked to him like I always did, but more than talking I just reveled. _I was holding my 5 day old son._ He weighed 1lb 14 oz. He still looked fragile and was obviously still 'underdone' but he was my **son**. And I was holding him.

After a while, he began to have a few A&Bs. The nurses decided he was probably tired so Betsy and Denise came over to reverse the process and put him back in his isolette. As sad as I was to no longer be holding him, nothing could dampen my enthusiasm over the fact that I DID hold him.

Because I was riding such a high from holding Anthony, I decided that I didn't want to go back to my room yet. After getting a drink and using the restroom, I returned to the stool between the two isolettes. Anthony was fast asleep, but Elizabeth's eyes were open since the bili-lights were temporarily off. The nurses' had placed her on her belly and her head was turned to me. Her little eyes really looked me over. I remember reading that babies could see best when the object was ~18" away, so I scooted my stool over so I was very close to her isolette. She continued to look at me. I decided to talk with her about her daddy since Edward wasn't around.

"So… I really like your daddy. Are you OK with that? Or maybe if you aren't OK with that now, maybe you will be later? Just keep an open mind. I realize you don't know your daddy that well yet, but let me tell you what I have seen. He is very kind and considerate. It is like he knows what I need before I even need it – that will serve you well before you get to talk I guess. Don't tell anyone, but I could see myself falling in love with him. It is like we fit well together. It is ridiculous that I feel that was so quickly. I don't believe in 'love at first sight' or anything, but every interaction I have had with him is so _confortable._ Also, I would not tell him this, but I also feel very maternal to you. Even before I offered you my breast milk, I felt so much love for you. Yup. I love you. I love how you always have your eyes open, how you always seem to be checking out your surroundings. Your family is also great – your Grandmother is funny and sweet. Your Grandfather is a bit intense, but that may be because of you being here in the NICU. Uncle Emmett is pretty funny – he is a bit brash, but I would imagine he would make a great uncle."

Betsy came up to change some IV tubing so I finished my soliloquy. I just sat there quietly, watching Elizabeth as she watched me. Betsy talked to her quietly, explaining what she was doing in a whisper soft voice. Behind me, the alarm on Anthony's monitor went off – he had stopped breathing and his heart rate was slowing dramatically. Another A&B. Denise got up and tapped him on his foot. He took one breath then stopped again. This time Denise put her hand under his bottom and wiggled his torso. That kick started his breathing again which brought up his heart rate and the monitor alarms quieted. Denise smiled at me and walked over to the desk to document what happened. Anthony had more A&Bs than Elizabeth. Anthony was still asleep so I turned my attention back to her.

When Betsy was done with the IV tubing, she asked me if I wanted to hold Elizabeth. My jaw dropped open. _Really? YES!_ But then I remembered that Elizabeth wasn't really my daughter. I am pretty sure Edward hadn't even held her – I guess Betsy wouldn't have known that. I was so conflicted – if the situation was reversed, I would definitely want Edward to hold Anthony even if he was 'first'. To me, it was more important that my son was held by someone who loved him than getting upset over losing 'first time' rights. BUT, I wasn't Edward. The last thing I wanted was to have him be upset. I begged off using the excuse that I needed to get some sleep back in my room.

I woke up the next morning to the smell of freshly backed cinnamon rolls and fresh coffee. _When the hell did the hospital start making cinnamon rolls? YUM!_ I opened my eyes to see Edward quietly arranging food on my bedside table. He was facing away from me so I had a chance to ogle his backside – broad shoulders, narrow waist and hips, bitable ass and strong legs. Damn, that man is just lust-inducing. I was staring at his calves when he turned around and noticed I was awake.

"Um, good morning Bella. Did I wake you up? I was really trying to be quiet."

"No, you were very quiet, but the smell of REAL food and fresh coffee would have woken me from a coma. What did you bring? It smells heavenly." I think I was actually drooling, although whether it was from the food or from the view of Edward, I didn't really know.

Edward grinned at me. "I stopped by the State Street bakery, on the way here. I figured you deserve a treat this morning." His grin dimmed a bit, I knew he was referring to the fact I had to go home today. Not wanting to ruin this lovely morning, I decided to keep the subject on food.

"Edward, I meant to ask you if you wanted to eat lunch with me." When he looked at me quizzically, I realized I hadn't really explained. We always ate lunch together when he was here. "Oh, I mean, do you want to share the special 'parents' meal the hospital provides? I know we aren't parents together, but we are parents so it is not like it is dishonest or anything." God. Word vomit much? Why am I so nervous? "Ah, the food is supposed to be really good. There is shrimp or steak or roasted chicken and sparkling wine."

"Bella, I would love to eat the fancy lunch with you. Do I need to put on a tux or is mid-May casual OK attire?" He actually winked at me. Bastard. I couldn't help but laugh. He was so damn cute.

"Well, I was going to break out my purple sleep pants, so you better get yourself all gussied up."

"I'll do my best. What color purple? I could get a matching tie."

"OK. OK. What do you want me to order? Do you have a preference?" He just shook his head. Um. I am getting him steak. There is something so sexy about a man eating steak. Of course, there is something sexy about Edward when he is just sitting in a chair. I called dietary and placed the order. When I hung up the phone, Edward passed me a plate but I had to refuse it. "I need to pump before I explode."

"OH, sorry. I completely forgot. Are you really uncomfortable?" His eyes briefly flickered to my breasts then quickly moved back to my eyes. Poor guy. I knew my boobs looked fantastic. I had great breasts before I got pregnant and they didn't really change much during pregnancy, but the minute my milk came in they went from a generous B to a _very_ generous C. And they were incredibly perky. I really wanted to show them off to Edward, but figured that might freak him out.

"Yeah, when I haven't pumped for a while, my breasts are pretty tender." As I was speaking, Edward got up and went to the bathroom to retrieve the pump pieces. As he assembled the equipment, I opened up two new bottles. I handed them to Edward who screwed them on, then hooked the boob adapter to the pump tubing before handing them to me.

"Do you want me to leave? I can go to the NICU for a while or something…" We both knew that neither one of us wanted him to leave. Our eyes met and we held each other's gaze.

"No. I want you here. I like you here. Don't go." My voice was little more than a husky whisper and we both knew I wasn't just talking about him being in the room while I pumped.

We were quiet for a minute more before I broke our gaze. Taking the pumping equipment from him, I set it on my lap. I then reached inside the large openings in the front of my nursing nightgown and unclipped my nursing bra. I lowered the flap, exposing my breast and centered the boob-adapter over my nipple. After repeating the process on the other side, I looked up to see Edward staring at me. His gaze contained a trace of lust, but it was more than that. So many emotions swam in his eyes: appreciation for the milk, male lust over my breasts, friendship, love? It took my breath away. He reached over and turned on the pump then proceeded to feed me pieces of cinnamon roll while I filled the bottles full of breast milk.

After our morning visit in the NICU, we headed back to the room for lunch. I had not told Edward about getting to hold Anthony nor had I told him of the offer to hold Elizabeth. I had deduced that Denise was one of the nurses who encouraged parents to hold their children no matter what, but some of the nurses were pretty uncomfortable with holding when the babies were still on CPAP.

When we got to the room, I pumped again. Lunch arrived shortly after I was finished. The dietary aid rolled in a cart covered with a blue linen tablecloth. There were linen napkins, flowers on the table and _tons_ of food. After she left, Edward and I took all of the silver covers off of the food. Besides the main courses, there was a fresh salad and bread, soup and fresh fruit. It smelled heavenly and tasted even better. I almost felt like we were on a date. We talked and laughed and relaxed. It was wonderful.

After we finished dessert, I knew I could no longer hold off on telling him about last night. My gut feeling told me that he wouldn't be jealous or upset, but as stressed as we both were over our babies, I knew nothing was impossible.

"So, last night I went and visited the NICU at 2AM." Edward raised his eyebrow at me in silent question. "I had just pumped and was putting the milk in the freezer."

Edward nodded his head in understanding and waited for me to continue.

"When I got there, they had just weighed Anthony and changed his bedding. Ah, Denise let me hold him."

Edward's eyes bugged out of his head. "You got to hold Anthony?" When I nodded in response, Edward smiled the most beautiful smile ever. "Oh, Bella how wonderful. I bet you were in 7th heaven. How long did you get to hold him? Was he off CPAP? Was he awake for it?"

"It was wonderful. I couldn't believe how great it felt. They had him all bundled up and he was still on CPAP but it was still great. He kept his eyes closed most of the time, but it didn't matter to me. I was so thrilled to finally hold him."

We sat silently for a moment, both enjoying the joy of considering the experience. I decided to not tell Edward about Betsy's offer to let me hold Elizabeth. If I were to say anything, he would probably tell me to say 'yes' to the next offer and I didn't want to take the experience of holding his daughter for the 'first' time from him. That would be his moment with his daughter and he needed it for himself.

After lunch, we returned to the NICU. I knew I needed to be back in my room by 2pm so that they could begin discharge paperwork for me. My heart hurt thinking about it. I think Edward knew how upset I was because he was extra affectionate with me. There were lots of gentle touches of my shoulder or back, he would tuck my hair behind my ear or just smile at me. At 1:45, I felt the tears begin to leak out of my eyes. When I stood up to head back to my room, Edward stood next to me and gathered me in his arms for a hug. Knowing I was about to break into tears, he lead me out of the NICU and back to my room. Once inside, I broke down into sobs. He sat on the edge of the bed and pulled me onto his lap and let me cry. He didn't 'shush' me, he just let me cry. By the time the nurse came into the room to start the discharge paperwork, I had gotten myself back together.

I pumped while Edward packed up my things and Kathy went over the discharge instructions. Angela was supposed to be here for my discharge, but had not shown up yet. When 3:30 rolled around and Ange still wasn't here, I began to worry a bit. I turned on my cell phone and was immediately assaulted with missed calls, texts and messages from Angela and Ben. Apparently, neither one could come up because their only car had been hit while parked on the street in front of their apartment. I winced. Not because they couldn't help me, I could always get a cab, but because Angela and Ben didn't have a lot of money and an expensive car repair would strap them financially.

I called them to let them know I was OK. I tried to offer to help them out with the car repair but of course they wouldn't hear of it. Since Edward was still in the room during my conversation, I was not surprised when he offered to drive me home. I am sure he wasn't surprised when I accepted.

Edward grabbed my things and went out to get the car to meet me at the front of the hospital. Kathy pushed my wheelchair down to the elevators then down to the lobby. When we got to the lobby, I begged to wait outside. I hadn't been outside in 6 weeks. I arrived at the hospital at the beginning of April when there were no leaves on the trees and remnants of snow on the ground. Now it was mid-May, everything was in bloom and green and the weather was beautiful.

A silver Volvo pulled up to the curb and Edward got out to help me into the car. Once I was settled into the passenger seat, he turned to me and smiled. After putting the car into gear, he reached over to grab my hand. Once we got into 'our' town, he drove by his home to show me where he lived. He pointed to a three story Victorian. _He did live close by!_ I was only two blocks over. I directed him through the residential streets until we reached my cute little Colonial-style home. After parking in the driveway, Edward got out and opened my door. While Edward gathered my bags, I used the keypad to open the garage door so we could go into the house via the garage and I didn't have to find my front door keys.

Walking into the kitchen from the garage, I felt Edward behind me. It felt so _right_ for him to be here but it felt so _wrong_ to be here without Anthony. Feeling thirsty, I went to the fridge to see if I had a soda or something nonperishable that I could drink. I was shocked to see my fridge fully stocked. WTF?

Edward saw the look on my face and came around to see what was wrong. He took one look at my fridge and started to laugh. "Oh, my Mother has struck again. I would recognize her handiwork anywhere. See that brand of OJ and the obscene amount of yogurt? That has Esme Cullen written all over it!"

I couldn't help but laugh along with him. I felt so cared for. I barely knew Esme, but here she had stocked my fridge for me. Grabbing a glass of OJ for me and Edward, I walked into the living room and sank down onto my comfy couch. Edward sat at the other end and pulled my feet into his lap. After removing my shoes, he began to rub my feet.

"You OK?" He voice startled me after the quiet of the house.

"Yes. I feel a bit weird – happy to be home, but guilty to be here without Anthony." I paused a moment, then whispered, "I'm glad you are here with me."

"Me too."

I awoke with a start a few hours later. It was dark and I was alone on the couch in my home. At first, I felt certain I was dreaming, then I remembered the day. _Where was Edward?_ Getting up, I padded to the kitchen where I found Edward putting the finishing touches on lasagna. _Is there nothing this man can't do?_

"Hey sleepyhead. Feeling better?" Edward came over and gave me a kiss on the forehead followed by a hug.

"Hmmm. Yes. I need to pump and then I will feel even better!"

"I left the pump and equipment on the kitchen table. I wasn't sure where you would want to set it up. The pump is heavy so let me know where you want it, OK?"

"I think I will just set it up in the living room, that way I can watch TV or read while I pump. There is an outlet next to the loveseat."

Edward quickly set the pump up and I was pumping while dinner was cooking. By the time I was finished, Edward was taking the lasagna out of the oven and setting the table. When I sat down at the table, I noticed a bouquet of fresh flowers, a card and a small gift in the middle of the table.

"What's this?" A getting-out-of-the-hospital gift? Why on earth would he buy me something?

Edward looked a bit nervous. "Ah. No." He moved his chair next to mine and took my hand. "Bella, today is Mother's Day. I wanted to celebrate it. It is horrible you had to leave the hospital on Mother's Day without your son, but I wanted to help you focus on the fact that you are a mother. And a damn good one in my opinion. Not many women would stay in bed for 5 weeks, use a bedpan, give up their privacy and autonomy – all without complaint! Your son is so lucky to have you as a mother. My daughter is lucky to have you as a mother and I am lucky to have you in my life."

I was crying into his shirt by the time he was finished. It was Mother's Day. I can't believe I didn't notice. What kind of mother leaves her child alone on Mother's Day! My rational side knew I had no choice, but my emotional side was a mess.

When I calmed down a bit, I wiped my eyes and gave Edward a watery smile. I couldn't believe he did all of this for me. He handed me the gift first. I opened it slowly. Inside the box was a beautiful platinum necklace with a small diamond pendant. It was stunning. I couldn't help but throw my arms around Edward's neck and kiss his lips in a silent thank you. After he fastened it around my neck, I knew that I would probably rarely take it off.

The card was saved for last. I opened it to see a Mother's Day card. In beautiful penmanship was written: "May this be the first of many Mother's Days for you. With love, Anthony, Elizabeth & Edward"

I reached up and caressed his beautiful face then leaned forward and kissed him. I poured all of my new feelings into the kiss – my appreciation, my adoration, my passion. I felt like my heart would burst from my chest.

We talked for another hour while Edward cleaned up the kitchen and I sat at the island and kept him company. At 8:00, I realized that Edward would probably return to the NICU to visit Elizabeth with his family. Edward glanced at the clock on the microwave and turned back to me.

"Bella, do you want me to stay? I can sleep in your guestroom or on the couch. I know Angela had planned to be here tonight so you wouldn't be all alone on your first night home. Please let me know what you need – I want to be there for you."

I looked at his beautiful jade green eyes. Do I want him to stay? Yes. I do want him to stay. I feel emotionally brittle after today. Can I ask that of him? Thinking about it, I realized that I could. He offered and if the situation was reversed, I would want him to be honest about his needs with me.

"Yes. I want you to stay. However, I want your word that when you need something from me, that you will ask for it." He nodded slowly.

Edward carried my bag upstairs so I could unpack it. He sat on my bed and we talked while I went about putting my things away. It is amazing how much crap you accumulate while staying in the hospital. When I walked down the hall to start a load of laundry, I contemplated what to do about the sleeping arrangements. I didn't have a guest room. The house was a three bedroom: mine, the nursery and my office. My couch wasn't even a pull-out sleeper. When Angela and Ben came, they brought their Aerobed and camped on the floor of my office. Besides, I really wanted him to sleep with me. Even if I could have sex, which I couldn't, I just wanted him to hold me. I wanted to hear him breathing. I wanted his warmth and scent.

I walked back into the bedroom to find him looking at the books on my bedside table. He turned around to face me as I reentered the room. "Edward, I really want you to stay here tonight. In my room. In my bed. Would you sleep beside me?"

"Yes, I would be more than happy to."

I changed into my sleep pants and shirt while in the bathroom. Edward ran home to get a pair of sleep pants since I didn't have anything here that would fit him. I don't think he minded having to run home because he was so thrilled I didn't have any other male clothes here. Once he got back, he changed into a pair of dark green cotton sleep pants. We didn't say anything as we climbed into bed. Edward lay on his back and pulled me to his side. I snuggled into his side with my cheek against his warm, bare chest. Both of our bodies relaxed as if on an exhale. Edward kissed the top of my head and whispered goodnight.

**AN: In the NICU, nurses will position the babies on the sides and bellies to avoid bedsores. Remember, SIDS is not an issue in the NICU b/c the babies are already on 24/7 monitors (and really, A&Bs are essentially SIDS precursors anyway – the lack of breathing/slowing heartbeat would result in death if not promptly addressed).**

**Also, this story is *mostly* about the babies and the NICU and how having a baby in the NICU affects the parents – it is not really about E&B relationship drama/angst. I might be pushing them together a bit quickly, but I never planned for this story to be full of romantic misunderstandings. On that note, the 'baby drama' is coming your way – we will reach the prologue VERY shortly.**


	17. It All Falls Down

**AN: Twilight still isn't mine. This story is. And I have the pictures to prove it.**

**Chapter 17 It All Falls Down**

**EPOV**

Days 6-10

After waking up in Bella's bed on Sunday, I think we were both pleasantly surprised to find that neither of us felt any sort of awkwardness. I know I just felt comfortable. That feeling of _home_ that seemed to sink into my very being when I am around her was just stronger. For the first time since Elizabeth was born, I didn't wake up with a feeling of dread and worry, just a feeling of peace.

Since we both knew our time together was not a one-time situation, we quickly established a routine in the next few days. We woke up, showered (separately), dressed, ate breakfast then drove to the hospital together. Our morning was spent in the NICU, we would eat lunch together then return to spend the afternoon with the babies, leaving at 3 or 4 pm. We would then go our separate ways, meet back at one of our homes for dinner, and head back to the NICU after 7:30 pm. My family, or some fraction of the three, generally spent the evening with us. When we left for the evening, we would go to either her house or mine by some unspoken agreement.

Because the doctors rounded about 10 AM, we always made a point to be there by 9 AM so we could get the updates from the nurses about how the evening went. So far, both Anthony and Elizabeth were doing really well. Both babies were spending more and more time off of CPAP and using a nasal cannula instead. Elizabeth started to gain weight for the first time last night, and both babies were doing well with Bella's milk. The babies were still given only tiny amounts of milk a few times a day and the majority of their nutrients came from TPN, but the fact that they could tolerate the milk that they were given was a good sign.

This morning Bella and I walked into the NICU and were promptly greeted by Rose who was taking care of both of our babies. In the past few days, the NICU staff had assigned one nurse to care of both of the babies. It was easier to keep tabs on both of them that way.

"Good morning you two. I hope you had a good night?" I think Rose just winked at Bella.

"That depends – how are Anthony and Elizabeth? Any changes since I called last night?" Bella always called the NICU when she got up in the middle of the night to pump. She was producing a tremendous amount of breastmilk – almost 4 ounces each time she pumped. Since she pumped every 2-3 hours, it was really starting to add up.

"No, they both had a good night. Anthony didn't lose any weight last night, but he didn't gain any either. He is steady at 1 lb, 14 oz. He had quite a few A&Bs though so he was kept on CPAP all night. Now that you are here, I want to put him on the nasal cannula so that you can hold him. Elizabeth gained an ounce so she is up to 1 lb, 15 oz. She was on the cannula for 2 hours last night. Once I get Anthony settled, I will put her on the nasal cannula as well." Rose spoke quietly to us and changed Elizabeth's diaper at the same time. "Oh, they were both fed last night twice. Each time, they had 1 ½ mL of milk and handled it well."

Bella was beaming at the end of the rundown. I think she was on the verge of bouncing up and down and clapping. "So, we can both hold them today?"

"Yes, I don't see why not."

Rose immediately got to work swapping out Anthony's CPAP for a nasal cannula. She then gathered up all the leads and IV tubing, swaddled him in a blanket and put a blue hand-made knit cap on his head. Bella was sitting in the rocking chair with a pillow on her lab, waiting to receive him. When Rose gave Bella her son, I could see the tension leave her body. Her face looked absolutely serene. Anthony's eyes were closed but Bella held him close and talked to him so quietly that I couldn't hear what she was saying. I went to my bag and grabbed my camera so I could take a few pictures of them. They were both beautiful.

By the time I had taken a few photos, Rose had Elizabeth ready for me to hold. All of a sudden the weight of this moment came crashing down on me. _I was going to hold my daughter for the first time. _I could feel a flash of panic and excitement run through my body. Pulling a rocking chair in between the two isolettes, I positioned it so I could face Bella. As I sat down, I could feel Bella's eyes on me.

"You'll be OK. It is wonderful. Just wait and see." Bella's soft smile calmed my nerves a bit.

I turned my attention to Rose who was holding my daughter. "I didn't realize you hadn't held your daughter yet. Are you ready?"

"Yes. You'll be close by though right?"

Rose softly laughed, "yes, I will be right over there." She then leaned forward and handed me my daughter.

_She is so tiny._ Elizabeth was more blanket than baby. Her eyes were open and looking straight into my face. I wonder what she saw. Her little nose and mouth were visible underneath the nasal cannula and oral-gastric tube used for feedings while the rest of her was buried underneath the blankets and hat. Her cheeks were red from the tap used to secure the tubing. My eyes filled with tears which started to drip down my face and on to her blanket. After all this time, I was finally holding my daughter. Elizabeth. God she was beautiful.

In the background I could hear Bella and Rose talking, the beeping and alarms of the various monitors in the NICU and the click of a camera, but all I could focus on was Elizabeth. "Oh, little one. I am so glad to finally get to hold you. I have wanted to so very badly. I can't wait until you can come home with me. I have your room all set up in our home. Your Nana Esme helped make it beautiful for you. I love you so much. Please grow strong quickly so you can come home." Elizabeth kept looking at me through my choked up monologue. I hope she understood.

The beeping from a nearby monitor alarm snapped me from my Elizabeth zone. Anthony was having an A&B. Bella looked up in alarm as Rose got up from the desk and came over to her. After a bit of jiggling, Anthony resumed breathing and Rose went back to the desk. Bella looked a bit pale.

"You OK, baby?"

"Yeah. It is a bit different when they have an A&B in their beds versus having one in your arms. I was scared."

"Well, you did great. You were calm and collected for Anthony. You are a great mother." Bella smiled at me in response then turned back to her son.

We spent the next hour holding our children before we had to return them to their isolettes. Anthony had another two A&Bs so Rose wanted to get him back on CPAP and the neonatologist wanted to assess Elizabeth.

After lunch, we returned to the NICU as usual. Since Anthony had done really well in the last 2 hours on CPAP, she wanted to put him back on the nasal cannula. Elizabeth had remained on the nasal cannula since this morning. As Rose came over to start the process of reading Elizabeth to be held, Bella grabbed my hand. "Edward, can I hold Elizabeth and you hold Anthony? I would like a chance to hold her too."

As I looked into her deep brown eyes, I felt my heart absolutely swell with emotion. I loved the fact that Bella loved Elizabeth. I never knew that having someone love your child would be such a powerful feeling. "Of course. I would love to hold Anthony while you hold Elizabeth." I reached up and ran my hand down her cheek. She was so beautiful.

Bella sat down in the chair and readied herself for Elizabeth. Again, I grabbed my camera so I could capture the moment. As Elizabeth settled in Bella's arms, the two locked gazes. I could see them looking each other over. Bella leaned over and whispered something to Elizabeth then began to slowly rock her while humming. While taking a few pictures, I noticed that Bella's eyes were full of tears. Putting my camera down, I knelt down by her chair and cupped her face in my palm. Wiping the tears from her cheek, I leaned forward and gave her a kiss. I tried to pour all of my emotions into the kiss – the burgeoning love I felt for both her and Anthony, the respect I had for her, the comfort that she brought me. When I pulled back and met her gaze, I think she understood what I could not convey with words.

Sitting back in my rocking chair, Rose handed me Anthony. I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Anthony seemed to have more A&Bs than Elizabeth did. He was also Bella's son. But once he was in my arms, all of my insecurities melted away. He was my son too. I knew I would always love this little boy.

After dinner that evening, I could tell that Bella was exhausted. She was still keeping her 2-3 hour pumping schedule which was draining on her body which was still not recovered from 5 weeks on bedrest. I finally spoke up after her fifth yawn in the last 20 minutes.

"Bella. You are exhausted. Why don't you stay here and go to bed early? I will go to the NICU and visit with my family and you can get some sleep."

"I don't want to miss out this evening. You said your Dad would be there this evening and I have only met him twice. Also, I wanted a chance to hold Anthony again tonight. I'll be fine."

I would have believed her if she hadn't yawned again. Instead, I just raised my eyebrow.

"OK. You are right. I am exhausted. I just feel like the world's worst mother for not visiting every chance I get."

"Oh, Bella. You know that is crap right? It is mentally exhausting to be in the NICU all the time. You need a break. You need to take care of yourself and your body so that you can provide high-quality milk. You need to be strong for when the babies do come home."

"The _babies_? Did I have another baby I didn't know about?" She smirked at me.

"Oh, well. You know what I mean right? I don't expect-"

"I was just teasing you. You both know that what we have is not a flash in the pan. We don't need to figure it out now, but I think we also know that we have our own weird version of the Brady Bunch." I couldn't help but laugh at that.

I sent her up to bed and cleaned up the kitchen. Before I left, I peaked in the bedroom to find her dressed in my T-shirt and sleeping on 'my' side of the bed. She was out like a light. I left her cell phone on the nightstand and quietly made my way to the hospital.

When I reached the hospital, I was early. It was 6:30 so I knew Rose was still on duty. When I walked into the NICU, I immediately knew something was wrong. There was a curtain pulled up around Anthony's space. His isolette was pushed to the side, but he was not in it. I could see Rose and one of the neonatologists moving around and talking in quick voices. _Oh my god, Anthony was placed back on a warmer._ I knew this was not good. There was a new piece of machinery next to the warmer and another person was doing something around Anthony's head. As I watched, an X-ray machine was brought in and a picture was taken of him. _What the hell was wrong with him?_ _He was fine when we left not 4 hours ago._ I felt like I had been frozen in carbonite. I couldn't move. I could barely breathe. I just stared at the people buzzing around Anthony. When the 3rd person finally stepped back, my breath caught in a sob when I realized Anthony was on a ventilator. I knew these doctors only used vents in the case of last resort. The neonatologist stepped back to the nurses' station while Rose continued to work around Anthony. When she finally looked up and saw me, her face fell.

"Edward, is Bella here?"

"No. She stayed home to catch up on some sleep. She was exhausted. I need to call her don't I?" My voice sounded empty and robotic.

"I can call her if you want."

"No. Let me call. Before I call, what is wrong? Why is he on a vent?" I stepped closer to him. He looked terrible. His color was a sickly pale, his ribs stood out with every breath the vent took for him. A circle of his head was shaved where they had put an IV line into his scalp. A shiver of fear slid down my spine.

"We think he may be septic. After you left, his A&Bs went through the roof. Before we decided to put him on the vent, he was pretty much having them continuously. We are giving him antibiotics and have cultured his blood to determine what the bacteria is." She patted my arm. "Call Bella. Stephanie is going to have him for the night and can explain everything when Bella gets here."

I pull my cell phone into my hand. I take a deep breath and call Bella.

"Bella. Sweetie. You need to get to the hospital right now. Anthony has been put on a ventilator because they think he may be septic."

**AN: Yup. We are at the prologue now.**

"Oh sweetie. It is just too early to tell. I know others have told you this, but remember that preemies can decompensate very quickly. Both babies _will_ have a setback. It is almost inevitable with babies this premature. I know that sounds negative, but you really need to remember that it is never completely smooth sailing." Rose placed her hand on Bella's and looked her straight in the eye. I could feel my heart sink to my feet and I knew Bella felt the same way. Everything was going so well, we both knew it couldn't last.


	18. The Setback

**AN: Again, Twilight isn't mine, but the story is.**

**I seemed to have picked up a bunch of readers recently. I have NO idea how that happened, but welcome. **

**The update is delayed b/c a horrible GI illness has marched its way through our household. I'll spare you the gory details. Ew.**

**Chapter 17: The Setback**

**BPOV**

I couldn't believe when I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing. It was literally a phone call from my nightmares. Ever since I went into the hospital with preterm labor, I had the recurrent nightmare of something happening to my son – not surviving birth, getting sick – whatever. When Edward's voice told me to get to the hospital, I don't think I understood anything else. I just threw on one of his T-shirts over my nightgown and pulled on a pair of shorts. I ran to the car and drove to the hospital. The entire way, all I could think about was how close I was to losing Anthony. The word 'septic' kept running through my head. By complete accident, a few days ago in the pumping room I had read a chapter of a book on Preemies that addressed septicemia in preemies. They had a 50% survival rate. The vision of a coin flying through the air ran across my vision. 50/50 chance. Oh. My. God.

Parking the car and arriving at the NICU seemed to take forever. As soon as I walked in the room, Edward was by my side. Stephanie was at Anthony's warmer. _Oh, god. He is on a warmer. That is bad._ As I got closer, I noticed his head was shaved and there was an IV line in his scalp. He had a thick plastic tube shoved in his nose which was obviously the ventilator. His color was almost grayish. He looked like a Borg from Star Trek.

Stephanie was quiet as I looked him over. After a few minutes, she finally spoke. "We have him on two different antibiotics to fight what we think is probably a bacterial infection. We had to put him on the vent because he was having almost continuous A&Bs, his little body needs the break and the support. We will watch him closely tonight."

I wanted to ask her if he was going to survive, but I knew it was useless. No one knew that. Suddenly, I was just exhausted. I leaned against Edward who was standing behind me. Feeling him move, I realized he had pulled a stool up beside Anthony's warmer and had me sit down. He grabbed my hand and didn't let go. I just stared at Anthony. He looked so little. So fragile. So ill. His chest moved with every whoosh of the ventilator but it wasn't 'real'. It was so mechanical.

Tearing my eyes from Anthony's little body, I looked to the monitor which displayed all of his vitals. Right underneath the monitor was small blue piece of paper with a small snip of dark blond hair taped to it. "Anthony's first haircut" was written underneath the small bit of hair. At that, I started to cry. Edward pulled me onto his lap and let me sob. I sobbed until I had no more snot or tears. I was almost delirious with fatigue, sorrow, worry and despair.

Stephanie stopped by with a box of tissues and squatted beside us. "Bella, why don't you consider going home? You live very close to the hospital, and I promise I will call you if something happens. But tomorrow is going to be a long hard day for you, and you need to get some sleep. Please trust me. Go Home. Sleep. Come back by 7:30 tomorrow so you can catch the neonatologist when they come to round since they will be here early to check on Anthony."

I started to argue, to object. But I knew she was right. I was exhausted. I knew if I stayed in this rocking chair beside Anthony that I would just snooze on and off and be even more tired tomorrow. I looked to Edward.

"Baby, do what you need to do. If you need to stay, then stay. If you need me to stay and you to go home to sleep or if you need me to take you home, just do what you need to do. Anthony needs you to take care of yourself so you can take care of him. So what do _you_ need Bella?"

I sat there in his arms for another 5 minutes weighing my options. I really didn't want to leave Antony here, but I was nodding off to sleep in Edward's arms. I finally whispered, "Take me home. Please."

"OK baby. Let's go."

Unbelievably, I slept great. I woke up in the same position as I went to sleep, on my side with Edward's big warm body spooned around me. Glancing at the clock, I realized it was already 6:30 so I needed to get up so I could get ready to go to the hospital. Inching forward, I tried to creep out from under Edward's embrace.

"What are you doing?"

"I didn't realize you were awake. I have to pump or I'm going to explode! I slept through my middle of the night pumping session. I was also going to call Stephanie and see how Anthony did during the night. We are going to have to hurry to get to the NICU before 7:30."

"I got up and called the NICU at 3AM. Anthony was fine at that point – absolutely no change. You pump, I'll make breakfast. Sound good?"

"Thanks for checking on him Edward." My voice cracked on his name. Edward leaned forward and gently kissed my lips.

"I love him like my own, you know."

With another not-so-quick kiss, we headed in different directions. After I got started on pumping, I called the NICU. Stephanie assured me that Anthony's status was unchanged. He was still on the vent, but he was definitely not deteriorating any further. I hung up after telling her that we would be there in about 30 minutes.

After pumping, I took a quick shower then dressed while Edward was in the shower. I gobbled down the bacon and eggs he made as he finished getting dressed. It was obvious we were both anxious to get back to the NICU.

Upon walking into the NICU, I tried to steel myself for the sight of Anthony on a warmer and on a vent. It didn't work. I could feel the breath whoosh out of my body at the sight of him. I will never get over seeing him so sick. Edward and I took our spots in between Elizabeth and Anthony's beds and quietly watched our children. Edward would reach over and rub my back or grab my hand at regular intervals. I realized that the sight of Anthony this ill would be stressful for him as well. I pretty much thought of Elizabeth as my own child and I knew that if something happened to Elizabeth, I would be a mess too. It would also be a concrete reminder that preemies can decompensate at the drop of a hat. I wonder if Edward is wondering what 'setback' Elizabeth will face.

At 7AM, the dayshift nurses crept in with their large Dunkin Donuts coffee cups clutched in their hands. They chatted quietly among themselves as they got settled. Luckily, it appeared as though Rose would be the babies' nurse today as I could see Stephanie talking to Rose with Anthony's chart in her hands. After they talked for quite a while, they both approached Anthony's warmer. I listened to them talk, but most of it didn't make tons of sense. I heard the phrases "art line" and "oxygen settings on the vent" and lots of medicine names. Edward was definitely eavesdropping and began to ask questions. It appeared that while Anthony was on the vent, the oxygen levels weren't that much above 'regular' air which was a good thing. He was on two very powerful antibiotics which Edward sort of winced when he heard. When I looked at him, he looked at Rose and Stephanie. _OK, what is wrong with antibiotics?_

Rose finally spoke up. "Bella, you should know that the antibiotics we have him on have a chance of damaging Anthony's hearing. We have no idea how much or even _if_ he will having any hearing damage, but it is a possibility. We don't use these antibiotics lightly, they are the best chance he has of beating the infection. Do you understand?"

I just nodded. The thought of hearing loss was nothing in compared to the thought of him dying from a bacterial infection. We'll cross a hearing loss hurdle if we come to it.

We stayed in the NICU until the neonatologist arrived at about 9:30. He went straight to Anthony's medical folder and Rose immediately went to talk with him. They talked for over 15 minutes before they both came over to us. The doctor pulled up a chair and began explaining everything that Stephanie and Rose had already explained. I just nodded at the appropriate places. I felt numb. My baby was so sick and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt more helpless than I normally did.

Edward must have noticed I was turning into a zombie because I was suddenly aware of his hands holding both of mine. I turned to him and our eyes locked. "Bella, I wish I could tell you that it will all be OK, but we both know that no one has any idea of it will be OK. But I can tell you that I love you. I know we haven't known each other long, but I do love you. I will be here for you and Anthony every step of the way."

**AN: Yup. A short chapter, but this is where the chapter needed to end. Honestly, I don't remember much from this episode of my life. I really was a zombie or a crying mess. It was terrifying and awful.**


	19. One Step Forward

**AN: Again, Twilight isn't mine, but the story is.**

**Huge welcome to the hordes of new readers & reviewers. I was blown away. Seriously.**

**Also, I want to make a point that it was the NURSES who realized 'Anthony' was decompensating and pushed to get him on a vent and antibiotics. The docs wrote the orders but the nurses made the call to raise the alarm. NICU nurses saved my kids' lives – multiple times. **

**Chapter 17: One Step Forward…**

**BPOV**

Anthony's first full day on the ventilator was a nightmare for me. He looked awful. I couldn't hold him. He never opened his eyes. At one point, his oxygen levels dropped enough for them to have to increase the oxygen concentration on his ventilator; even I knew that was bad news. He wasn't getting better and it was obvious that there was some debate about what to do with him if he didn't improve soon.

Edward was a godsend. When I felt like I was going to just fall apart, he would encourage me to step out and get some fresh air or a drink. He would stand behind me and rub my back as I leaned over Anthony's tiny head and whisper encouragement and love to him. When I could no longer stand, Edward would pull me into his lap and hold me. He encouraged me to hold Elizabeth as often as I wanted to. Surprisingly, holding Elizabeth wasn't disheartening. I wasn't jealous or bitter that she was doing so well when Anthony was so sick. I loved her like my own, if anything, holding her reminded me that preemies can do well. They can grow and get stronger and breathe and gain weight and open their eyes. While Anthony had decompensated, Elizabeth had flourished. She was back up to her birth weight and was doing really well with her breast milk feedings. Even better, she was off CPAP for longer and longer times and just had a nasal cannula for large portions of the day. I even overheard murmurings of them removing her PIC line soon. She was still so tiny – only about 13" long and well under 3 pounds, but she was so feisty. When put back in her isolette, she would sort of wiggle around until 'comfortable'. Her eyes were open all the time. It was like she was saying '_Ok, I'm here now. What's next?_'

During that insufferably long first day, I did hear a truism of the NICU. Apparently, it was NICU wisdom that 'white' babies had more setbacks than babies of other ethnicities. Additionally, girls were stronger than boys. So basically, little white boy babies tended to have the most trouble and be the most fragile. The only time I laughed that day was the look on Edward's face when that bit of information was imparted; he looked like his manhood had been truly insulted.

Edward's family came by to visit for the afternoon. They didn't stay long having realized I was teetering on a knife's edge of sanity. I really like Esme, Carlisle and Emmett, but my entire being was focused on Anthony. I just didn't have room for anything else.

Edward drove me to his house before shift change. I picked at my dinner, pumped more breast milk, took a shower and fell into bed before 8pm. I was exhausted. Again, Edward was a saint. He didn't fill space with meaningless conversation. He just gave me endless hugs, wiped away endless tears and held me until I finally fell asleep.

-PL-

Day 2 of Hell was pretty much a repeat of the first. Anthony continued to look bad. His status hadn't changed a bit. There was no improvement but he was no worse either. I was beginning to feel like a zombie. I kept whispering to him, trying to love him from afar with words that had no chance of truly conveying my overwhelming emotions. Edward also talked to him more today. At one point, I was vaguely aware that Edward was as stressed out and worried as I was but all I could do was try to hug him back. I had no ability to do anything else. I was hanging by a thread.

The NICU nurses were great. Rose was off so we had Judy. Judy was in her mid-40s and had worked in the NICU for years. She was brutally honest, but that was a comfort. At one point, she reminded me that sometimes not getting worse is almost as good as getting better. I hung on that sentiment with everything I had.

At the end of the day, it was obvious that more debate was going on about what to do with Anthony. A few of the nurses wanted to remove his PIC line as apparently that is a common source of infection. I knew it would ultimately be the doctor's call, but it was unnerving that the path forward wasn't obvious. That old saying: "if there are many ways to do something then there is no good way to do it" kept rattling around in my head. I _hated_ that it wasn't obvious what to do next. Ultimately, it was decided to watch him through the night and reassess him in the morning.

-PL-

Day 3 of Hell started out the same as Day 2. Anthony had no change overnight and he still looked awful. However, about mid-morning things began to look up. Judy was his nurse again today. At shift change, they decided to lower the oxygen settings on his vent to see if he could tolerate closer to ambient oxygen levels. From my 2 weeks in the NICU, I could read the monitor as well as any 'civilian' and saw that his pulse ox number stayed above 97%. That was the first bit of good news. The second bit came after lunch.

When we got back from picking at our nasty café lunches, Edward and I settled into our respective spots in between Elizabeth and Anthony. As has become a habit, I looked over Anthony who didn't look any worse then looked up at the monitor. It took me a minute before I registered that his 'breathing' line was different. Instead of the steady, measured up/down lines of the ventilator breaths, there were smaller little blips in between the larger vent breaths. I watched for several minutes then asked Edward if he knew what was going on.

"I have no idea what that means. Maybe one of the probes isn't working well?"

I caught Judy's attention and she came over to explain. "Actually, that is really good news. He started doing that mid-morning. Those little blips are Anthony breathing on his own. Before the ventilator was doing 100% of the work for him, now his body is starting to breathe on its own. He isn't ready to be put back on CPAP yet, but this is a VERY good sign."

This time when I wept into Edward's shirt it was partly in relief.

-PL-

Day 4 of Hell was our turnaround day. Anthony had done so well last night that they decided to remove the vent and put him back on CPAP. He was still very sick, but at least that damn vent was gone. As awful as the apnea is, I actually found the ventilator worse. I _hated_ the way it breathed for him, the way it made his chest move up and down so unnaturally methodical. It didn't look real or natural. He almost looked like a tiny CPR dummy that took fake breaths. I was so glad for him to be back on CPAP even if the larger tubing obscured his face.

The fourth day of this little journey into Hades also included another small bomb that was dropped on Edward and me right after lunch. As Edward and I were settling into our spots in between the babies, Rose pulled up a chair.

"Hey guys. Have a good lunch?"

I was immediately suspicious. As much as I loved having Rose as a nurse to our babies, I knew she wasn't a sit-down-and-shoot-the-shit kind of person. She was always very focused on her babies and although she would talk warmly with us throughout the day, she _never_ pulled up a chair and sat down to just to "chat". Before I could figure out a way to politely voice my questions, Edward spoke up.

"We had pizza. It sucked and was overpriced." He then cocked an eyebrow at her and continued. "Something up with the babies?"

Rose just grinned at us. "I love you guys." She paused and her grin faded. "So here is the deal. Both babies are going to need a blood transfusion. We have been following their blood work closely and the numbers are falling. I know we talked this morning about the fact that Elizabeth's apnea and bradys were increasing; well, that happens when their hematocrit falls. Anthony is in the same boat but his numbers are a bit higher than Elizabeth's; however, since he has been so ill, we think it would be best to transfuse both babies either today or tomorrow." Rose just waited, looking at Edward then at me.

"OK, is that it?" Surely, a blood transfusion couldn't be the reason she is looking at us both so cautiously.

"Yes. Do you have any questions or concerns?" As if to illustrate the issue for us, Elizabeth's monitor started to alarm. Another A&B was in progress. Before Rose could stand, Edward twisted around, opened one of the little doors and reached in a wiggled her foot. She took a breath and the monitor was silenced. Edward closed the door and re-latched it before turning back around. Our eyes met.

As a parent, or even just a human being, you really have no idea what it is like to watch a tiny baby just stop breathing. They are so still. If you wait long enough, they do turn a bluish color. The alarms seem to scream from the monitor. It is wrenching to watch the numbers representing their _heartbeat_ fall. For the first few days, maybe week, it is very upsetting. If it weren't for modern medicine, your baby would be dead. Gone. But eventually a weird thing happens. Apnea and bradycardia becomes _normal. Routine. _You _expect it to happen._ This is what your baby does. He or she _forgets_ to breathe. Just gets too tired. Too overwhelmed. You have to remind your baby to breathe so their heartbeat doesn't fall too low. So they don't die.

Edward had just casually reminded his daughter Elizabeth to breathe. He didn't need to be told what to do. We had both seen the nurses do it dozens of times. We had done it ourselves a few times under the supervision of a nurse. But this time, it was like turning off the alarm after it wakes you for work. It was habit. It was almost instinct. It was _normal _for us to remind our babies to breathe after hearing the familiar alarm. It was _normal_ for them to stop breathing, for their heartbeat to fall. They were born 3 months too early. Neither one had seen a day of their third trimester. This was our new reality.

As our gazes met, we both realized why we weren't freaked out over the mention of a blood transfusion. No, neither one of us was very happy about it, but in the overall scheme of things it just wasn't a big deal. We turned back to Rose.

"So when will they do the transfusion?"

-PL-

Day 5 was no longer Hell. Anthony was doing great. No ventilator. No needles attached to an arterial line in his scalp. The overnight blood transfusion left both babies looking pink and healthy.

As Edward and I stood there and took in the sight of 'our' babies that morning, I could feel the tension in our bodies dissipate a bit. We survived our first setback.

Unfortunately, we both knew it would not be the last.

**AN: One more author's note. Please remember that with premature infants, weight isn't really that important. It is important to gain weight, but the weight that they are born or the weight at which they are discharged is sort of immaterial. I will get into what the babies need to do to leave the NICU in a later chapter and none of it is weight-related. A three-pound baby could probably leave the NICU if it met the other discharge criteria. Also, weight really has nothing to do with maturity. 'Elizabeth' and 'Anthony' were just under 2.5 lbs at birth – which for 27 week preemies is actually pretty big. I am sure most people know full-term babies that were born at 4 or 5 lbs that were tiny, but fine. In the vast majority of cases & excluding any other medical issues, the TIME in utereo is so much more important than the SIZE at birth. Any questions? PM me.**


	20. The Meadow

**AN: Again, Twilight isn't mine, but the story is.**

**I am so sorry for the delay in this chapter. I really need a beta. Unfortunately, Project Team Beta is not accepting new stories (and hasn't been for months) and I am too shy to ask around on the forums. If anyone might be interested in helping me out (or knows someone who likes to beta), please let me know. I need more help with story flow than with grammar/spelling.**

**Chapter 19. The Meadow**

**EPOV**

As we approached Memorial Day weekend, I felt like both Bella and I could definitely use a vacation. Not a suntan-at-the-beach vacation, more of a picnic-in-the-park-that-is-less-than-5-minutes-from-the-hospital kind of vacation since I knew neither one of us wanted to be too far from the babies. Additionally, I was thinking that I wanted to take Bella on an actual date. She was so important to me, and I felt like we needed to spend a bit of time on 'us'. Of course, the insecure part of me wanted to make sure we were both on the same page with respect to our relationship. I didn't want to fuck up what is a great thing by not communicating with her. Our _family_ was too important to me. I didn't want to mess anything up by assuming things about Bella's feelings and expectations. _Good Lord, I sound like a chick._

The last week had been hell on earth. There are no words for how difficult Anthony's crisis was for both of us. From the minute I had to call Bella and tell her to hurry to the hospital to the point where they finally took Anthony off the ventilator, I felt like every nerve and muscle in my body was stretched taunt. I have never felt more powerless in my life. Anthony was fighting for his life and Bella was fighting for her sanity and I was fighting to find a way to help both of them. None of us came out of the ordeal unscathed.

Restless sleep and stress -induced diminished appetite (and Bella's pumping breast milk) had caused both of us to shed some pounds. Bella mentioned she was already back to her pre-pregnancy weight and clothing. Granted, she never made it to her 3rd trimester so she was probably never that big to start. Nevertheless, as we approached the long weekend, I decided to suggest that we take some time for us. We both needed to recharge our batteries. And I wanted to take Bella out on a real date.

I decided to approach the idea of a date/time off cautiously. I knew that if a member of my family suggested I take time away from Elizabeth, I would immediately dismiss the idea out of hand. Since I didn't want Bella to shut me down, I watched for the right moment to bring it up. The morning two days after Anthony's recovery presented me with the perfect opportunity.

Bella had gotten up early to pump then she made blueberry muffins for breakfast while I was in the shower. I came downstairs to the sight of Bella in my kitchen wearing my old ratty University T-shirt bent over at the waist looking for something in the fridge. Her delectable ass was perfectly displayed in her tiny purple panties. Being the gentleman I that am, I gave her my best wolf-whistle which caused her to straighten up and turn to me with a smile. Bella was just so very beautiful.

After she shut the door to the fridge, I stepped up behind her and wound my arms around her waist. A rough sound of contentment rumbled from my chest as I buried my nose in her thick, soft hair then kissed that spot behind her ear that always makes her shiver. "Good morning, Beautiful."

I felt her palms slide up my forearms before she turned in my arms. A muffled 'good morning' was mumbled against my lips as she stretched up to kiss me. Never one to waste an opportunity, I nibbled her bottom lip until she opened her mouth to me. She tasted of orange juice and Bella – yummy. Our kiss began to become more passionate as she wound her hands in my hair and I pulled her body to mine. Every soft curve of hers fit so well into the planes of my body. I ran my hands over her hips then them underneath her shirt to feel the smooth skin of her back. Just as I was running my hands over the curve of her bottom, we were rudely interrupted by the oven timer signaling that the muffins were done.

After placing the muffins on a cooling rack, she turned back to me with a smile on her face. "You seem to be in an especially good mood this morning. Any particular reason for that grin on your face?"

I smirked at her. "You mean besides the fact that you are standing in my kitchen looking quite fetching in my shirt and skimpy panties?"

She had the audacity to throw a pot-holder at my head!

"Actually, I was working up the nerve to ask this beautiful woman I know out on a date." I gave her my best 'panty-dropping' smile. Unfortunately, before I met Bella, it had been a _long_ while since I had talked to a woman who I even remotely wanted to drop her panties. I felt a bit rusty.

Lucky for me, her returning smile was brilliant. "Hmmmm. What did you have in mind? Where would you take this lucky woman?"

"Well, assuming she was interested in me, I was thinking of taking her on a picnic. I know of a very secluded, romantic spot in the Delaware Water Gap that is less than a one hour drive from the hospital. The weather today is going to be sunny and in the upper 70s so it is a perfect day to be outside."

As I was speaking, her face began to brighten. I could tell the idea of being outside was definitely appealing to her.

"So what do you think? Would you like to go on a picnic with me? We could visit the NICU this morning then head out around 11. We could easily be back to the hospital before shift-change."

"Edward, that sounds wonderful. I am not ready to leave Elizabeth and Anthony for an entire day, but an afternoon outside with you would be heavenly."

I was mentally patting myself on the back for such a good idea. "We can pick up lunch from that Italian deli on Spruce on the way out of town."

We sat together at the kitchen island and ate our breakfast side by side while talking about nothing and everything.

~PL~

Bernadette had Elizabeth and Anthony for the day shift. When we arrived at the NICU, she had just finished her assessments and had returned to the nurses' desk to fill in their charts. Both babies were in their isolettes and were on nasal cannulas instead of the bulky CPAP. Each still had an IV line and various leads that monitored their temperature, pulse ox, etc. but they each looked so much stronger. The blood transfusions left them looking pink and they were both putting on weight so they weighed over 2 ½ pounds.

As we settled ourselves into our rocking chairs, Bernadette put her charting down and came over to us. After a brief update to let us know that both babies were still doing well, she mentioned that both Elizabeth and Anthony needed diaper changes.

I just stared at her blankly.

Bella immediately asked if she could change a diaper and Bernadette nodded enthusiastically. Both women looked at each other with huge smiles on their faces. Bella was almost vibrating with excitement. When she looked at me, her big brown eyes were just shining with joy. _All because of a diaper change?_

While I was anxious to start taking care of Elizabeth and Anthony, I was NOT excited about doing it while they were so tiny and being kept in a small plastic box. My hands were bigger than their bodies! How in the world could I change a diaper without getting them all tangled in the lines and leads? I am perfectly content to watch from the sidelines at this point.

Bella on the other hand was already perched in front of Elizabeth's isolette next to Bernadette. Bernadette explained how they weighed the diaper before and after so they could keep track of 'output', then she handed Bella a tiny diaper and stepped back.

I watched in awe as Bella efficiently weighed the new diaper, removed the old one, cleaned Elizabeth up and rediapered her. The whole transaction took a minute, maybe two. _OK, that doesn't look that hard._

Bernadette then turned to Anthony's isolette. "Do you want to try Edward?"

"Ah, yeah. But you will be right beside me, right?" I felt really nervous.

"Yes. I am not going anywhere." She patiently looked at me.

I paused a moment before I realized she was waiting for me to get started. "Oh, right. OK. Umm. Let me weigh the diaper."

Luckily, I breezed through weighing the diaper. I opened the side of Anthony's isolette and removed his diaper, setting it aside for Bernadette to weigh. Grabbing his tiny feet, I lifted him to situate the new diaper under his bottom. I heard Bella take a breath and clear her throat before I suddenly realized I had the diaper on backwards. _At least I figured it out by myself and didn't have to be told_. I quickly reversed the diaper and got it taped into place. After I put the side back up on the isolette, it struck me that I had changed my first diaper! Feeling a stupid grin take over my face, I looked up and met Bella's eyes. We were both grinning like fools. We were finally able to do something involved in caring for our babies. For the first time, I felt like I was called in off the bench and into the parenting game. I was an active participant. It felt _great_.

~PL~

Noon found us pulling into a small vacant parking area in a state park in the Delaware Water Gap. I grabbed the backpack with our food and drinks while Bella grabbed a small picnic blanket. We set out on the seldom used trail into the woods.

The sun was shining and we were both comfortable in our jeans and short-sleeves as we walked along talking quietly. Bella and I were playing our version of 20 questions; although, we were probably up to 100 questions by now. During the drive here, we talked about our childhoods and families. We were now talking about college experiences.

When the trail crossed a small stream, we left the trail and followed the stream for about 100 yards through the woods until the trees cleared and we came upon a small meadow. I found this meadow years ago and came here at least once a year. It was peaceful and quiet – one of my favorite places on earth. I had been anxious to share it with Bella.

We were both quiet as we stepped into the sunshine in the center of the clearing. Bella spread the picnic blanket while I set out the food. The air positively hummed with the energy between us. I sat down then Bella sat in my lap, leaning her back to my chest. We began to eat, feeding each other bites of food.

After we were finished eating, I reclined on the blanket on my back. Bella curled into my side with her head on my chest. The warmth of the sun intensified the smell of her hair and skin. I found myself taking deep breaths to fill my lungs with her scent.

After long moments of peaceful silence, I began to quietly speak. "Bella. I know we don't need to figure everything out right now, but I want to make sure you know where I stand and what I want. I have fallen in love with you. You are kind, devoted and selfless. You are a fiercely protective mother. You are a beautiful, intelligent, funny and passionate woman. I absolutely love spending time with you. Going to bed and waking up with you beside me is bliss. I love you. I love Anthony like I love Elizabeth. I feel like a father to both of them. I know this is fast, but I want to be a family with you. I want to be your best friend, lover and husband. I know we haven't known each other long-"

Bella cut me off with a kiss. "Edward. I love you too. Each day, I fall even more in love with you. You have been absolutely amazing during this NICU nightmare. It seems as if you know what I need before I know what I need. You already are my best friend. Whether we are talking about the babies or talking about what is for dinner, I just love being with you. You already are my family; Elizabeth seems to be as much my daughter as Anthony is my son. Edward, I already see you as my future. I don't really believe in love at first sight, but I do believe accepting the good luck I had in finding and falling in love with you. I too want us to be a family. _We already are a family_. I. Love. You."

As Bella spoke, tears trickled down her cheeks that I wiped away with my thumbs. When she finished speaking, we leaned forward and our mouths met in a kiss. It wasn't frantic or overtly sexual. This kiss was warmth, promise, love, commitment, celebration and connection. It was communication between our hearts and souls. The kiss was beautiful.

We broke for air and rested our foreheads against one another, sharing each inhaled/exhaled breath. Pulling back, I looked into her beautiful brown eyes. I couldn't stop the smile that transformed my face as my new reality dawned. _I love this woman and she loves me in return._ Her answering smile was equally brilliant.

As we gazed at each other, the atmosphere began to change. I could feel energy begin to buzz between us. Her eyes darkened and her breathing quickened. Watching her, my breath caught in my throat and my cock started to harden. In an instant, we were on each other. Our mouths met in a passionate kiss, tongues fought for dominance. A growl ripped from my chest as I pulled my mouth away from hers and began to kiss along her jaw back to the spot below her ear. _God, she tastes and smells so good._

Bella grabbed the hem of my shirt and tugged it over my head, throwing it on the ground beside the blanket. After I was freed of my T-shirt, my hands found their way underneath her shirt so I could caress the soft, warm skin of her back. Bella pushed on my shoulders to gently urge me onto my back. She didn't waste any time as she threw her leg over my hips so she could straddle me. Even through the barrier of our shorts, the feeling of her hot pussy grinding against my hard cock sent a shudder through my body. _God, she feels so good_.

As Bella began kissing my neck and chest, I interrupted her long enough to tug her shirt up and over her head leaving her in a white nursing bra. Bella suddenly seemed to be self-conscious and awkwardly tried to cover her chest with her folded arms.

"Bella. Love, look at me." She reluctantly met my gaze, but her face was flush with embarrassment. "Bella, you are beautiful. I don't care that you aren't wearing a $500 La Perla corset. In fact, I find it incredibly sexy that you breasts are swollen with milk that you need to feed _our_ babies." I fingered the clasp that held one cup in place. "Besides, these nursing bras provide easy access!" I winked at her to lighten the mood and was rewarded with a giggle.

Finally, Bella sighed, "I know it seems vain, but the first time you see me I want to be as sexy as possible. Instead, I am wearing a nursing bra and leaking breast milk. I am still bleeding and wearing ugly, stained period-panties! Being 3 weeks post-partum does not make me feel the peak of sexy." She grimaced. "It also doesn't help that you are sitting there as a bare-chested, 8-pack abs, sex-hair pile of lusciousness."

Now I couldn't help the snort of laughter that escaped me after that ridiculous statement.

"Bella, you are the epitome of what I want. You are beautiful and sexy whether you are wearing an old ratty T-shirt or a cocktail dress. But, I want our time together to be fulfilling for you too. If you want to stop and just sit here and enjoy the afternoon, we can do that instead of make-out like two horny teenagers."

Our eyes met and held. The next thing I know we are kissing again. Her hands are in my hair and her tongue in my mouth. My hands are on her ribcage just below her breasts. Slowly, I move my hands to her back and unclasp her bra. As I slide the straps down her arms, I begin to kiss my way down her throat. _She smells so good_. I pull her bra away from her body then cup her full, heavy breasts in my hands. Pulling back a bit, I take in the vision that is Bella.

Speechless. I am speechless.

There were no words to describe how absolutely stunning Bella looked at that moment. She sat astride me clad only in her shorts. Backlit in the warm, bright afternoon sun, her hair was a sexy tousled halo around her face and shoulders. Her heavy-lidded warm brown eyes gazed down at me with all of the love and desire she had for me in that moment. Her skin was pale and absolutely flawless; it was literally peaches and cream and oh, so soft. My hands moved from her curvy hips, past her trim waist and up to cup her full breasts. Her breasts are so beautiful; pink rosy nipples and soft creamy skin. I have seen glimpses of her breasts when she is pumping, but nothing prepares me for the sight, scent and texture afforded to me by running my mouth and nose over her skin.

"Bella, you are absolutely beautiful. Never in my life have I seen anyone more stunning than you are right now." I could feel tears prick the back of my eyes as I was overcome with emotion. Bella obviously felt the same way as her eyes became glassy and another small tear escaped to travel down her cheek.

I felt her hands in my hair tugging gently as I licked and nibbled my way around her beautiful breasts. Her quiet voice broke into my Bella-breast worship session. "You might want to be careful with my nipples Edward. I would hate to have my milk letdown and spray you in the face."

Looking up at her in surprise, we both couldn't help but laugh. Oh, the wonders of parenting I guess. I wouldn't change it for the world.

We continued to make-out in our beautiful meadow as we became better acquainted with each other's bodies. Having Bella grind herself on my lap while I paid homage to her beautiful top-half was both heaven and hell. Eventually, I realized I was going to have to stop or else I would either cum in my shorts or develop a fatal case of blue balls.

Pulling back was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do (pun intended).

Grabbing her hips to still her grinding motion, I rested my forehead against hers. I was almost panting like a dog. "Bella. Love. We need to stop or I am going to embarrass myself. You are just too tempting and feel too good." I placed small kisses on her face as I talked with her.

Leaning forward, Bella pressed her breasts against my chest and whispered in my ear. "Edward, just because I haven't been cleared for sexual activity doesn't mean _you_ can't find some relief. Let me help you with your rather large predicament."

"Baby, you don't have to do—" My words caught in my throat as Bella's hand snaked in between our bodies and began stroking me through the fabric of my shorts. "Oh my god," I groaned. It had been so long since anyone besides my own hand had touched me.

"Yes Edward. Please let me make you feel good. Please."

Another groan involuntarily left my mouth as Bella gently pushed me to lie back on the blanket. I closed my eyes against the overhead sun and just let myself feel.

Bella began by kissing my mouth then nibbling on my jawline. At the same time, her soft hands were exploring the musculature of my shoulders and chest. I felt her mouth sucking/nibbling at my right nipple at the same time I realized her hands had found the button of my shorts. She switched to my left nipple while she lowered the zipper of my shorts. My cock was thrilled to finally have some room to move.

I raised my hips so she could pull my shorts down. It was at this point that I realized that my Bella might be a bit of a voyeur. She was not content to just lower my shorts and boxer briefs to free my cock, she wanted me completely naked. Being the gentleman that I am, of course I complied and helped her remove all of my clothes so I was lying completely exposed in the warm May sunshine.

Squinting against the sun, I watched Bella watch me. Kneeling beside my hips, she took her time to really look at me and run her hands over me memorizing the dips and planes of my body. I couldn't find it in me to be self-conscious. Not because I am vain enough to think I am the world's sexiest man, but because I want Bella to know every inch of me. I want to belong to Bella. I want her to know my body better than I do. And I want those things from her in return.

When our eyes met, we both realized we wanted the same thing.

Bella smiled at me, then lowered her head and began trailing kisses down my chest. Her hands smoothed trails of fire over my abs. Her fingers combed through the dusting of hair below my belly button. As her mouth reached my 'happy trail', her hands were running along the muscles in my thighs. Pushing my legs apart so she had enough room, she knelt in between my thighs. My dick twitched a 'welcome home' in greeting. Finally, I felt her mouth breathe a stream of hot air against the slick head of my cock. I felt her soft hands smooth up the inside of my thighs. Just when I thought I would explode from wanting, she surprised me. Simultaneously, one hand caressed my balls, the other hand grabbed the base of my shaft while she sucked just the tip of my cock into her wet, soft mouth. I couldn't contain the loud grunt of pleasure that exploded from my throat.

Bella got to work. Her mouth took in as much of me as she could while setting a smooth rhythm. Meanwhile her hands were the best supporting players _ever_. She fondled my balls, she lightly scratched the inside of my thighs, she massaged my perineum and right at the end she even ran a fingertip back to my ass to caress the sensitive skin there which sent me over the edge. I came _hard_, yelling her name, cursing, sweating and panting while she calmly swallowed everything I gave her. Afterward, I was in some sort blow-job coma for what felt like hours.

I couldn't believe that I was lucky enough to fall in love with a woman who was a blow-job ninja.

~PL~

As we drove back to the NICU after our time in the meadow, I could feel the difference in our relationship. We both wanted more. Most importantly, we agreed on what that 'more' would look like. I felt confident and secure in our relationship. I almost felt like we had informally committed to the idea of our 'family'. It was a wonderful feeling.

We got back to the NICU around 18:00 after grabbing a small meal in the hospital café. As we took our spots in between the two isolettes, Bernadette again let us know that we could change diapers if we wanted to. This time I changed Elizabeth's diaper while Bella changed Anthony. Right before shift-change both babies received a few milliliters of breast milk via the oral-gastric tube. Both of them were doing so well with their feedings, it was wonderful to spend the time with both babies when they were progressing 'problem-free'.

Of course, we didn't know that Elizabeth's setback was right around the corner.

~PL~

**AN: This chapter was really difficult for me to write. I would really appreciate some feedback – either positive or negative. Please let me know what you think.**


	21. Soft Spot

**AN: Again, Twilight isn't mine, but the story is.**

**I had hoped to get this chapter out a bit earlier, but bronchitis hit our household. It has been a rough winter…**

**Great news! Cocoalvin has agreed to beta this mess for me. So starting next chapter, I will hopefully be able to offer you something that is in much better shape than my previous messes. :P**

**Also, is anyone interested in seeing pictures of what 'Elizabeth' and 'Anthony' looked like during their stay in the NICU? I could probably figure out how to post some somewhere, but I will only do it if anyone cares to look at them. I don't want to be that annoying parent/grandparent who is foisting pictures off on uninterested people.**

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**Chapter 20. Soft Spot**

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End of Week 3:  
  
**BPOV  
**  
After our wonderful afternoon picnic in western NJ, Edward and I were even closer. Not just physically, but emotionally as well. There is something to be said about the comforting feeling of security and commitment that accompanied our declaration of love. I knew that Edward loved me and I loved him in return, but actually saying the words and talking about our shared future just made me feel...wonderful.

Both babies were doing great. They weighed over 2.5 lbs, were off CPAP and used only nasal cannulas of oxygen and were taking breast milk feedings without any complications. (Speaking of breast milk, Edward and I bought a deep freezer to store all of the breast milk I was producing!) Anthony seemed to have no lingering after-effects from the sepsis although he remained on antibiotics and it was too soon to tell if he had any hearing loss. We got to hold them during every visit to the NICU and we were allowed to change their diapers. Both acts really helped both Edward and me feel like 'real' parents.

Edward and I were spending every waking moment together, except when Edward went jogging or to the gym. Waking up in his arms was just heaven. We had pretty much moved into his home. It was bigger and we were getting tired of going from one place to another. I knew that eventually I would probably sell my home, but it was just too much to think about as my mind was too busy with thoughts of my new family. My new family. I can't stop smiling every time I think of it.

Neither Edward nor I was prepared for the bomb that was dropped in our laps that Wednesday.

When we got to the NICU that morning, Rose was taking care of Elizabeth and Anthony. She was busy talking with one of the neonatologists when we arrived so we just settled into our spots and looked over the babies. I went to Elizabeth's isolette first so I noticed before Edward. Elizabeth had two vertical pen-marks on her forehead. WTF? Why would they draw on Elizabeth?

"Edward, do you know why Elizabeth had two marks on her head?"

Immediately, Edward was at my side. "I have no idea. Those are definitely deliberate and not an 'accident'." We looked at each other and frowned. "Rose, can you come here for a minute?"

Both Rose and the neonatologist walked over to talk with us. Uh oh.

Rose stood to the side as Dr. Levi spoke. "It appears that Elizabeth has an intraventricular hemorrhage, which is otherwise known as an IVH. There are very common in preemies. Basically, the blood vessels in the brain are very fragile in preemies and when they are outside of the womb they can become damaged during delivery or during normal handling in the NICU. So when the blood vessels are damaged, it causes blood to leak into the baby's brain. The blood can collect in the ventricles which are fluid-filled pockets at the center of the brain. The ventricles are normally filled with cerebral spinal fluid and also connected to the spinal cord. There are 4 levels or 'grades' of intraventricular hemorrhage. Level 1 is a very mild bleed where only a small amount of blood is seen. Grade 2 is where blood has collected in the ventricle. Grade 3 the ventricle is filled with blood and is pressing on the surrounding brain tissue. Grade 4 is where blood has actually leaked into the surrounding brain tissue and this damage to the surrounding tissue can be catastrophic. Additionally, with Grade 3 or 4 IVH, blood clots can form and block the flow of cerebral spinal fluid to the spinal column. If the flow is blocked, fluid can accumulate in the brain which causes the brain to swell a condition called hydrocephalus. We watch for IVH by measuring the circumference of the baby's head. Also, the 'soft spot' on the top of the baby's head would no longer be 'soft' but be convex with fluid pressure."

At this point, Dr. Levi paused to take a breath and both Edward and I looked to Elizabeth's head. Sure enough, her little soft spot was swollen out from her head. Suddenly, I felt like I was going to pass out so I sank into the nearest chair. Edward picked me up, sat back down in the chair and placed me on his lap. His face was pale and his eyes were glassy. The idea of 'brain damage' was terrifying.

Dr. Levi continued. "We can tell the extent of the IVH by using ultrasound to get a picture of the brain. On Sunday, it was noticed that her soft spot was a bit tense so we started closely watching her and got a 'baseline' ultrasound. The radiologist classified the bleed at that point as a Grade 1. As her symptoms have not improved, we ordered another ultrasound this morning. At this point, she has a Grade 3 IVH. In rereading the first ultrasound, I would have classified it as Grade 2."

At this point, I could feel tears running down my face. Edward had a death grip on my waist.

"We have called in a neurosurgeon to evaluate Elizabeth. Dr. Woodson will be here sometime this morning and will talk with you at that point. There are several options to treat her and attempt to reduce any brain damage. To reduce her hydrocephalus, Dr. Woodson could give her a spinal tap, which would remove some of the fluid. Alternatively, he could install a shunt or tap to allow him to directly drain the fluid in the ventricle. He will make that call." Dr. Levi paused for a moment. "Do you have any questions for me right now? I know that was quite a bit to absorb."

Edward and I looked at each other. Clearing his throat, Edward finally spoke. "What are the long-term effects of a Grade 3 IVH?"

Dr. Levi took a deep breath. "Generally, the area of the brain that is damaged is in control of gross motor function. Kids who have had a Grade 3 IVH have a high risk of cerebral palsy. However, every baby is different so it really will depend on Elizabeth."

We sat in silence again. After a few minutes, Dr. Levi excused himself leaving Rose standing beside Elizabeth's isolette.

"So what are the marks on her head for?" I realized Dr. Levi never explained those.

"We marked her head in an attempt to keep our measurements of her head as uniform as possible. It isn't very scientific but we wanted to be as precise as we can be." Rose squatted down in front of us. "I know this is terrifying. Dr. Woodson is actually one of the only nice AND brilliant neurosurgeons in existence. Honestly, if I ever needed a neurosurgeon, he is the only one I would go to. I know a nurse who works in his office. Let me call her and find out approximately when he will get here, that way you won't be waiting on pins and needles for hours."

With a squeeze of my hand, Rose got up and went to the phone. I turned and buried my face in Edward's neck. We both just sat there and clung to each other.

When Rose returned we both looked up at her. "Well, I talked to his nurse. He is in surgery until noon at the earliest. He won't be here until 1pm or later. If you guys need to go home and regroup, now would be a good time. If for some crazy reason he ends up here before then, I will call you. He is the type of guy who would wait an extra 10 minutes so he could talk to you." With a small smile, Rose went over to Anthony and began changing the leads on his tiny chest.

I looked to Edward. "Let's get out of here sweetie. I think we both need to be able to fall apart in private don't you?" I ran my hands through his hair and kissed his neck.

His eyes met mine and he nodded. We both got up and made our way out of the NICU and headed home.

When we got home, we stripped to our underwear and climbed into bed. Instead of spooning or curling into his side, Edward was on his back and I lay flush on top of him. We both needed to get as close to each other as possible. One of my hands was over my head and running softly through Edward's hair, my other hand was resting on his shoulder, my head was resting on his chest with my ear directly over his heart. Edward was stroking my hair from my head down my back. We lay there in silence.

After what seemed like hours, I finally pushed myself up enough so that I could look at his face. Words tumbled out of me, carried on a harsh breath, "Elizabeth has to be OK. She just has to." And with that, the dam broke. We held each other as we both sobbed.

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We returned to the NICU at 12:30 because we didn't want to miss Dr. Woodson. Rose told us we could still hold Elizabeth so we did. Edward and I tried to return to some semblance of our 'normal' routine but I knew that we both needed to hold Elizabeth. But unspoken agreement, I held her first and Edward would hold her after Dr. Woodson examined her.

Dr. Woodson arrived at 1:30. He was a tall, trim man with dark hair and appeared to be in his mid-40s. He was wearing a white lab coat with his name embroidered on the front. When he walked in, Rose stood to go meet him. After a short conversation, they both turned at walked over to us.

Rose introduced us. "Dr. Woodson, I would like to introduce you to Elizabeth Cullen's parents. This is Edward and Bella. Guys, this is Dr. Woodson the neurosurgeon who will be helping us care for Elizabeth."

As Rose was talking, Dr. Woodson reached forward and shook my hand then Edward's. "Nice to meet you both. I want to look over Elizabeth's chart and talk to Rose then I will come back over and briefly examine your little girl then we can talk about what is going on with her."

Edward and I just nodded our heads. With a small smile, Dr. Woodson returned to the nurses' desk and began studying Elizabeth's binder as well as information on the computer. I turned my attention back to Elizabeth while Edward began the process of putting Anthony back in his isolette.

Once Anthony was settled, Edward washed his hands then took a seat beside me. I began to transfer Elizabeth over to him but he just shook his head. "No. You hold her. I'll just sit here beside my girls." Edward then reached over a placed his left index finger in the center of Elizabeth's palm which caused her to grip his finger with her tiny hand. With his right hand, Edward started to gently rub my neck. I love how he needed to be physically connected to us. I needed that as well.

At some point, Dr. Woodson returned to our area. After washing his hands, he squatted down in front of me.

"Do you want me to put her back in her isolette?"

"No. I can take a quick look at her here." He proceeded to measure her head and run his hand over her no-longer-soft soft spot.

"Well. Rose told me that Dr. Levi talked with you about IVH right?" We both nodded in confirmation. "Do you have any questions about it for me?" Again, we just shook our heads silently. "OK, just ask if you think of anything. We do need to try and relieve the pressure on her brain. In order to do this, I think the best thing would be to give her a spinal tap. By pulling some fluid out of her spine, hopefully it will help drain some fluid from her brain."

"Will this hurt her? What are the chances of it working?" Edward was the only one of us fit to ask questions.

"I think the chances of it working are pretty good. I don't necessarily like statistics because they don't mean anything for your particular child. As for whether it will hurt her, she won't feel very good afterwards. She will probably be pretty pale and have a headache. I wouldn't bother her much for the rest of the day and let her recover. If you don't have any further questions, I am going to have Rose get things ready so I can do the spinal tap now."

I just shook my head and kept my gaze on Elizabeth. Elizabeth always has her eyes open. You know how most newborns never open their eyes? Not Elizabeth. Her eyes are always open. I used to worry that she never got enough sleep but then figured there wasn't much anyone could do about it – she would do what she was going to do. Her gaze is also very entrancing. Like Edward, she just seemed to look right into your soul when she made eye contact. And she always made eye contact. Right now, she just patiently looked into my tear-filled eyes. I just looked back. _God, please let her be OK._ I can't imagine someone as spunky as Elizabeth being slowed down by cerebral palsy or other gross motor delays.

Rose's soft voice broke my silent vigil. "Let's get her back in her isolette so we can prep her for the tap."

Leaning forward, I kissed her forehead and whispered "Be strong little one. We'll be right here – me, Daddy and Anthony. I love you so much."

I passed her to Edward so he could have a moment with her. I watched through my tears as he also kissed her forehead and whispered to her. He spoke with her quite a while but the only words I heard clearly were "We love you so very much." As he handed her off to Rose, tears were also running down his face.

Suddenly I felt so very weary. We had just made it through Anthony's sickness and now we were staring an equally life-threatening medical crisis with Elizabeth. I know Edward really tried to keep himself together for me when Anthony was sick. He definitely shed plenty of tears with me during those awful four days, but I always felt like he was the strong one. Looking at him now, I saw that it was all catching up to him. He was at the end of his rope.

I took Edward in my arms and held him as close as my limited height would allow. Gently rubbing both hands on his back, he returned the gesture and ran his hands up and down my back. "Do you want to stay while they do the tap?"

His responded in a harsh whisper with tears in his voice, "Yes. I need to be here to see her for my own eyes that she is OK afterward."

"Let's sit down then. I don't know how long this will take."

As we went to sit in one of 'our' rocking chairs, Rose intercepted us. "We need to clear the area so we have plenty of room for us to work and for our equipment. Let's move your chairs to the other side of Anthony."

Edward grabbed one chair and Rose grabbed the other. I still couldn't pick up anything heavier than 10 lbs so I stood back and let them shuffle the furniture around. Once the chairs were moved, Edward sat down in one and immediately pulled me into his lap. Rose grabbed a portable privacy screen and shielded Elizabeth's isolette from view from both us and the rest of the room. She then grabbed a cart that had all kinds of medical 'stuff' on it. Both Rose and Dr. Woodson washed their hands and put on new gowns. Once they were back behind the curtain, I stopped looking and buried my face in Edward's neck. I stayed like that – curled on his lap, breathing his scent – until I could hear Rose tell Edward quietly that they were finished.

Dr. Woodson came over to talk with us. "The procedure went well. I removed about 7 mL of cerebral spinal fluid. As I mentioned before, I would just leave her alone for the rest of the day and let her recuperate. Do you have any questions?"

Edward shook his head. Dr. Woodson turned and went to the nurses' station. I stood up and walked over to look at Elizabeth. She was as white as a ghost. She was tucked into the fetal position on her side, facing away from us. I could tell her eyes were closed. Rose came up beside us and smiled then covered her isolette with one of those blankets to keep lights and noise to a minimum.

Edward and I headed home where we picked at some cold pizza and then fell into bed.

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The next few days had Elizabeth getting better as the spinal tap worked then slowly getting worse as the ventricles refilled with fluid. Dr. Woodson did another spinal tap which followed the same cycle – a few days better than getting worse. After the third tap, Dr. Woodson sat us down to talk with us.

"Well, the good news is that the taps are working. She has not progressed into a Grade 4 IVH and we have kept the pressure on her surrounding brain tissue to a minimum. However, this will be the last spinal tap I do. If she needs another one, we need to take her to the OR so we can install a port so we can drain the ventricles directly, without the spinal tap. I know this sounds scary but there are a few reasons why this is a better…"

Dr. Woodson continued on but all I could absorb was the fact that my baby might need brain surgery. Operating Room. She didn't even weigh 3 pounds and they wanted to put a port into her head to drain fluid out. _Oh. My. God._

I looked at Edward who was listening to Dr. Woodson and asking questions. To me they both sounded like the Charlie Brown teachers "wah, wah, wah".

Brain Surgery.

I felt numb. Shocked. Sick. Overwhelmed.

At one point, I heard Dr. Woodson tell Edward that he had scheduled OR time on Thursday. If Elizabeth hadn't stabilized by Thursday, she was going to have brain surgery.

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**AN: Forgive me for being a bit vague on the timeline of the spinal taps. I literally was in some sort of daze during this whole IVH nightmare. It was all I could do to get through one day at a time. I do remember that the OR was scheduled for a Thursday though. **


	22. Ask Me Again in a Couple of Years?

**AN: Again, Twilight isn't mine, but the story is.**

**Sorry for the delay folks. We went South for our long President's Day weekend along with everyone else on the NJ Turnpike.**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta. Read her stuff as she is great. I bow in humble thanks.**

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**Chapter 21. Ask Me Again in a Couple of Years?**

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Weeks 3 & 4:  
  
**EPOV**

When people find out you are going to be a first-time parent, they comment on how it will change your life in ways you could not even comprehend. The prospective parent then smiles or nods or makes some inane comment with a stupid grin on their face.

I don't think _anyone_ had our nightmare in mind.

Ever since we walked into the NICU to find Elizabeth with marks on her forehead used to document her hydrocephalus, I have been in a fog. My tiny little girl has a bleed in her _brain._ I kept myself cognizant long enough to listen to them explain IVH but I could feel the panic rising. Bella and I had just got through Anthony's battle with sepsis. I think we both felt like we just didn't have enough reserves to deal with this. Not now. Not ever.

In the following days, we spent as much time in the NICU as we could. Anthony was now free of all IVs and just used a nasal cannula when needed and at night. My mother brought Bella a million little 'preemie' size outfits for both Anthony and Elizabeth. The clothes absolutely swallowed our under 3 lb babies but they made Bella happy. I have to admit that the babies did look more like real babies when dressed in the soft little cotton clothes.

Unlike when Anthony was sick, we were able to hold Elizabeth. She looked perfectly normal, except for her soft spot which protruded from her head and wasn't 'soft' at all. Being able to hold her while talking to her kept both Bella and me sane. Whenever I took a turn at holding Elizabeth, Bella took tons of pictures. I did the same for her. We were desperately trying to hold onto this time with Elizabeth in case something went wrong. When the pressure was higher in her brain, she would have more A&Bs. Eventually, the doctors would decide it was too much and then tap her. The days that she had her spinal taps were awful. My bright eyed little girl would turn deathly pale and still. All we could do was watch her sleep in her isolette, trying to be as quiet as possible. One of the nurses mentioned that when adults have issues with their spinal fluid levels that they get massive headaches. I couldn't dwell on that since it killed me to think that she was laying there with a migraine.

After her most recent spinal tap, Dr. Woodson sat us down and told us she would need to have surgery to install a port to more readily remove built up fluid. _Brain surgery._ I felt sick. Vaguely, I registered that Bella was pale, breathing rapidly and squeezing the hell out of my hand.

_Brain surgery._

I pulled myself together to ask a few questions: "Is this really necessary?" _Yes_. "What are our other options?" _Continued spinal taps, shunts_. "What are the risks to Elizabeth?" _Well, every surgery has risks, but with preemies…_ I quit listening. "When will this happen?" _I scheduled OR time on Thursday._

Thursday.

My tiny beautiful baby girl will have brain surgery on Thursday.

It was Monday.

I swallowed back the bile rising in my throat. Bella still looked like she was going to pass out. When our eyes met, I saw my absolute terror reflected back at me in her beautiful brown eyes. I knew I needed to call and tell my parents and Emmett, but all I wanted to do is curl up with Bella in bed and sob.

Bella's soft voice broke me out of my stupor. "Edward. Baby, let's go home."

Taking her hand, I silently followed her out of the NICU. She led me to the car and drove me home. Not a word was spoken as we climbed the stairs and entered our bedroom. We just looked at each other as we stripped down to our underwear and climbed into bed. We held each other as we cried.

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I woke alone but Bella's side of the bed was still warm. Listening carefully, I could hear the swish/swish of the pump. Walking down the stairs, I could see Bella trussed up to the machine. Taking a detour to the kitchen, I grabbed a glass of orange juice for her and a beer for me.

Her eyes met mine as she accepted the glass with a slight smile of thanks. "I love you."

I felt my heart swell. This is why I loved this woman. She didn't ask if I felt better. She didn't say it would be okay. She just loved me.

I sat beside her on the sofa and pressed a kiss to her temple. "I love you, too." The words seemed so inadequate.

We were quiet as she finished pumping. I washed all the little plastic pieces while she dated and stored the breastmilk. She grabbed the local Thai takeout menu off the fridge and placed an order before we returned to the living room.

Needing to see each other's eyes, I sat on the sofa and she swung her leg over my lap to straddle me. One hand rested on my neck, the other on my shoulder. I placed my hands on her hips and leaned in to place a soft kiss at the side of her neck.

We were quiet for several long minutes.

"Why do you think this seems so different from when Anthony was sick?"

I knew what she meant. It was different. I thought about it before answering. "Anthony's illness was so sudden. I felt like I was completely blindsided with Anthony andall I could do was react. There was no time to just sit around and dwell since after just a few days he was out of danger." Taking a deep breath, I continued. "Elizabeth's IVH seems to have gone on forever. The taps quickly make her better but then she slowly falls back to where she was to begin. There are also so many unanswered questions with her IVH. With Anthony, it was fairly straightforward, the antibiotics needed to work so he could get better. Not a lot of options to cloud the picture. There is a saying in organic chemistry, 'if there are twenty ways to run a reaction, then that means there is no good way'. I worry that applies to Elizabeth. There are a few ways of treating this, so there is no good way."

I leaned my head against her chest while she ran her fingers through my hair. Bella was my comfort. My home. I reached up to cup her face. "I don't know what I would do without you."

Bella leaned down to kiss me. The kiss started out sweet but quickly heated up. I wanted to lose myself in her. Just as I was running my hands up the inside of her shirt, the fucking doorbell rang. _Damn Thai food deliveryman_.

Bella got up to get the door as I was in no condition to face anyone. Instead, I went into the kitchen to grab a couple of beers. As we unpacked the food, the phone rang. I knew it was Mom. She and Dad had a habit of stopping by the NICU after dinner but she knew Elizabeth was scheduled for another spinal tap today. They would still go by to hold Anthony but I knew she wanted the update.

"Hello Mom."

"How did the spinal tap go? Did they drain as much fluid as they did the times before? What did Dr. Woodson say?" My mother could ask questions faster than anyone I know.

"Well, the tap went fine. It was pretty much the same as the other two." I took a deep breath and felt Bella rubbing small circles on the small of my back. "Dr. Woodson doesn't want to do anymore spinal taps though. He said that if she needs another tap, that they would instead take her to the OR on Thursday morning and install a port in her head to drain the fluid from her brain directly."

The line was dead quiet for a long minute. Finally, I heard my mother let out a shuttering sob then call out for my father. I heard the shuffling of the phone before my father's voice.

"Edward? What's going on?"

I repeated the information to my father who began to ask me a bunch of questions. "Dad, why don't you call Dr. Woodson and ask him directly? You already have my permission on file. I am so overwhelmed, I can barely function much less answer all of your questions."

Dad took a deep breath. "Okay. I'll call Bob and talk to him. You sound terrible. Is Bella taking care of you? Do you need anything from us?"

"Bella is as much of a mess as I am, so I think we are taking care of each other." I could hear my mother crying in the background. "Dad, go take care of Mom."

"Esme is going to want to go to the NICU tonight to see the babies. Are you two coming back in? or are you going to regroup at home?"

"We haven't talked about it yet. I would imagine we will just stay here, especially if you and Mom will be there with the babies. Call me if you don't go visit so Bella and I can go back in."

"Sure son. I love you. Give my love to Bella too, please."

"Love you too, Dad." I hung up the phone and turned to envelop Bella in a hug. She buried her face in my chest as I pressed kisses to the top of her head.

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Tuesday went by in a blur. Emmett, Mom and Dad all came by to visit the babies and offer Bella and me support. I know Bella called her sister while she was pumping. We went to bed on Tuesday knowing that Wednesday would be the day of reckoning. If her hydrocephalus didn't stabilize or get better by the end of the day, then early Thursday she would be in surgery.

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Wednesday morning both Bella and I were up with the sun. It didn't matter that no decision would be made until mid-morning at the earliest, we were both keyed up. We were dressed and out of the house in record time since Bella had decided she would just do her morning pumping in the NICU. I knew she was anxious because she usually pumped first thing while muttering about how her 'boobs felt like rocks they were so full'. Honestly, I just enjoyed the view; her breasts looked fantastic in the mornings. Yeah, yeah… I am still a guy.

We got to the NICU before shift change so Elsie was still on duty. I loved Elsie, she was tiny and talked a mile a minute. She also had a soft spot for Anthony which was heartwarming to watch. Bella knew all of the night nurses better than I did since she always called the NICU when she was up for her 2AM pumping. Elsie gave Bella a hug and whispered something to her which made Bella tear up.

"Any news, Else?"

"Not really. Both babies are doing good, although I think that Anthony will need another blood transfusion soon. His A&Bs are increasing and his bloodwork indicates he will need some help soon. Elizabeth is in the same situation, although her IVH complicates things a bit. We'll see what the docs say."

"Can we go ahead and get them out to hold them?"

"Sure. They both need a diaper change. Do you want to do it?" Both Bella and I nodded. "Okay, I'll leave you to it."

Bella turned to Anthony and I went to Elizabeth. As usual, her eyes were open and watching me carefully. I ran my hand over her soft spot as was my habit. It didn't appear to be protruding at all. But I was well aware that might just be my wishful thinking. I grabbed one of their tiny diapers so I could change her when I heard Bella yelp behind me. _What the…_

I turned around to see her frantically shuffling her arms around. Elsie got up to offer assistance but stopped about three feet away and started laughing. I couldn't see anything since Bella's back was to me, so I secured Elizabeth in her isolette and went to Bella's side.

There was baby poop _everywhere._ It was on Anthony's legs and the end of the isolette, as well as Bella's hand. There were several diapers that had obviously been used then discarded. I looked at Bella with raised eyebrows. She was giggling.

"I raised his legs and took off his diaper and he just _exploded_! I got another diaper under him then he pooped on that one. I think he's finished, but when I lift his legs again, he poops. It is everywhere!"

Elsie finally got herself together and grabbed some gloves. As she and Bella began to clean Anthony off, I turned back to Elizabeth with a bit of trepidation. _Please don't do that to me._ Luckily, I got off scot free. – Bella settled into her rocking chair with Anthony while Elsie cleaned up and changed the linen in Anthony's isolette. Bella and I talked to the babies and to each other like we did every morning. We watched the shift change and listened to the morning report about our babies. Rose would be our nurse again today. We held the babies while she did her assessments.

It felt like time crawled until Dr. Woodson came in at 10AM. He was obviously just out of the OR. After talking with Rose and checking the chart, he came over to us. Both Bella and I stopped rocking and sat quietly.

Rose took Elizabeth from me and placed her in the isolette. I stood behind Bella and Anthony as we all watched Dr. Woodson examine Elizabeth. I began to chant in my head: _please let her be better today, please let her be better today._

After securing the door to Elizabeth's isolette, Dr. Woodson turned to us. "Well, Elizabeth's hydrocephalus is no worse today than yesterday. She is holding steady, which is a very good thing. As long as it doesn't get any worse, she won't need surgery. I'll come back and check on her this evening before I cancel the OR. Do you have any questions?"

Both Bella and I shook our heads and breathed a sigh of relief. We had a chance to avoid this.

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The day moved so slowly. We didn't leave the NICU except to grab a quick bite in the café. I would have skipped food altogether, but I knew Bella needed to eat and to drink to keep her healthy while she was pumping. So I pretended like I was starving and choked down a piece of pizza while Bella ate a chicken salad sandwich with a large glass of iced tea. I swear she eats more than I do on any given day.

When we got back to the NICU after lunch, we were intercepted by a hospital social worker who introduced herself as Sue. Both Bella and I were perplexed as to why the hell we needed a social worker. We both just shrugged our shoulders in acceptance when she asked to meet with us privately.

After following her to a tiny conference room, we all took seats around the table.

"So, I know that under most insurance plans, you have 30 days to add a newborn child to your coverage. I am assuming both of your insurance plans follow this model?"

WTF? She wanted to talk about billing? Isn't she a social worker? I was completely confused. Bella spoke first. "Yes, I have already added Anthony as a dependent. Are we delinquent on any bills? What is the problem?"

Sue smiled, "Oh no. Nothing like that. I wanted to make sure you knew that both Elizabeth and Anthony qualify for Medicaid."

Now I knew this woman was a fruitcake. I made good money as a chemist at a major pharmaceutical firm and Bella probably had even more money from her writing. There was no way in hell either of us would qualify for government assistance.

I cleared my throat. "There must be some mistake. I am fairly certain that both Bella and I would be above the income cutoff to qualify for Medicaid." I could see Bella nodding out of the corner of my eye.

"Actually Ms. Swan and Dr. Cullen, the babies qualify based on their birthweight, which is independent of income levels. Babies that are born weighing below 1250 grams automatically qualify for Medicaid. Both Anthony and Elizabeth weighed just over of 1000 grams, which is well under the cutoff weight. In both of your cases, your primary insurance will pay their share, then Medicaid will pay the remaining balance. All you need to do is give me permission and I will get the application process started."

"Oh, well in that case, why don't you go ahead."

Sue looked to Bella. "What about you Miss Swan?"

"I guess so."

I could tell that Bella felt weird about accepting government assistance, however, I was pretty relieved. I had excellent insurance since I worked for a pharma company, but it still had high out of pocket costs. From what I read online, preemie babies can run up hospital bills into the hundred thousands of dollars. The deductibles and such would run for me into the thousands of dollars, and I knew Bella had even higher deductibles than I did. Having the government pick up the balance of a few thousand dollars would be a big relief. Especially, since we didn't know what other needs the babies would have when they were released. I knew we were looking at a few years of specialized care for any physical or mental problems resulting from their prematurity.

"Remember, the Medicaid coverage ends once the babies are discharged. It only covers costs associated with the care directly after their birth. The minute your babies step out the front door, the Medicaid coverage ends. Come to me with any questions you may have. Here is my card."

We all stood from the table and shook hands. "It was nice meeting you."

After Sue left, Bella and I just looked at each other. Neither of us had room to deal with this latest bombshell right now. We needed to get back to the babies.

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Around 5PM, Dr. Woodson came back to the NICU. This time he examined Elizabeth while Bella was holding her. After he was done, he sat back on his heels in front of us. "I'm canceling the OR spot. There has been no change and in fact her measurement might have gotten better. We will get an ultrasound in the morning just to make sure."

I released the breath I was holding. Thank god.

"Dr. Woodson, when will we know if she has any brain damage from the IVH?"

"Unfortunately, there is no way to know for sure. If she develops cerebral palsy, you should know that by the time she is two or three. She might have some problems with gross motor activities, like walking, balance, etc., but there is just no way to know."

So I might have to wait two or three YEARS to know if she has gross motor problems? I couldn't deal with that right now. I decided to just go on a day by day plan for the short-term. Let's get the babies out of the NICU, then we will worry about that the future.

Rose stepped up to straighten Elizabeth's isolette and looked over to me. "Hey guys, you doing okay? Good news right?"

Bella answered, "We couldn't be more relieved. I feel like we dodged a bullet."

Rose grinned at us. She then blurted out, "I completely forgot! You guys got a present today!"

What? A present? From whom?

Rose went to the nurses' station and returned to with two small thick flannel blankets. The blankets were small, about the size of a large pizza box. They were exactly the same, except one had alternating blue squares and the other had yellow squares. "Judy brought in your Judy-blankets today. They are for Elizabeth and Anthony."

I was speechless. These nurses who had given us so much were giving us more? These blankets were obviously homemade and that took time to do.

Bella spoke first. "They are absolutely lovely, thank you so much. Is Judy here today? Can we thank her ourselves?"

"Judy had to leave early today, but she is working day after tomorrow. You can thank her in person then."

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The dreaded Thursday passed without incident. Friday was the same. By Saturday, Elizabeth's hydrocephalus had actually improved. Both Bella and I were cautiously optimistic that our little family once again escaped this battle without tragedy. We were both well aware that none of us were going to get through this war without some major scars.

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**AN: OK, I am getting a bit freaked out. So few people are leaving reviews – ****why? I had over 12,000 hits in just the last month, but I have only 100 reviews. I'm getting a complex.**

**I will send you the link to see 'Elizabeth' and 'Anthony' pictures if you leave me a review.**

**As always, the story is 100% true – ****well except for the E&B romance. I had been married forever when this happened to me. The Judy-blankets are also real. I still have both of them and will treasure them forever.**


	23. Routine

**AN: Twilight isn't mine, but the babies are.**

**Sorry again for the delay. My baby got bronchitis AGAIN. I am so sick of illness.**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta. Have your read her fics? Go do it. Now. Go. I'll wait.**

_**Because **_**cocoalvin**_** is awesome (truly-she is super-supportive), any remaining errors or other idiocy are mine alone.**_

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**Chapter 22: Routine**

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**BPOV**

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After Elizabeth's hydrocephalus resolved on its own, all of us were ready for a long spell of 'no drama'. We felt like the last four and a half weeks had just been one big on-going emergency. It was all just so soul-sucking and draining. I could see the strain on everyone's face.

Both Edward and I had pushed through each day with our focus completely on the babies. Our spirits rose and fell with Elizabeth's soft spot. We were only marginally aware of our family or the time or the outside world.

At some point during Elizabeth's IVH crisis, I discovered that Carlisle had been spending incredible hours reading up on current treatments of preemies. His way of coping was obviously to know as much about each medical condition and its resultant treatment options as he possibly could. As a result, he was living at the hospital on coffee and barely palatable café food and looked a bit thinner. Like the rest of us, he was obviously exhausted.

Esme's eyes seemed to be always red-rimmed. While Esme was very careful to maintain her composure when visiting the babies, it was obvious from her frequent "bathroom breaks" that she had to excuse herself often to get her emotions under control. Esme must be have been a bit of a "stress baker" because at some point I registered that she always brought in homemade muffins or pastries for the nurses when she arrived at the NICU.

Even the perennially always upbeat Emmett seemed tired. His eyes were still a beautiful, clear blue, but they were a bit duller than usual. Because of the demands of his job, he was only able to visit during a few evenings each week after 8PM.

And Edward. Edward was just tired. Mentally and physically. Like me, I think the long, drawn-out nature of Elizabeth's hydrocephalus was just so much harder to deal with than the fast drama of Anthony's sepsis. Or maybe it was because Elizabeth's crisis was on the heels of Anthony's illness. Bottom line: he was exhausted. Like Carlisle, he was drinking lots of coffee. I knew he wasn't getting enough sleep, because I certainly wasn't either. He still went running every morning, but I think that was the extent of any healthy behaviors. His beautiful green eyes seem to hold a deep sadness and worry in them. I am sure that those emotions were reflected in my eyes as well.

That sadness was compounded after Edward had gone into work on Monday. He went to check in with his boss, clean out emails, and secure his lab. The moment he stepped in the door after coming home from work, I could tell he was in a serious funk.

I headed toward the fridge and grabbed a beer for him as he collapsed on the sofa in the living room. After I popped the top open, I handed it to him and sat down next to him. I began running my hands through his messy, silky soft hair, gently scratching his scalp. After about ten minutes of quiet, I couldn't take it any longer.

I turned to face him on the couch so I could see his face. "What's wrong, Love?"

Edward started to peel the label off of his beer bottle. He kept his eyes focused on the bottle as he answered. "Work. It was really hard being there today."

"Hmmm. Why? Do you miss it? Was your boss being a bastard?"

He finally laughed. "My direct supervisor is a man, but my overall director is a woman. And yes, she is a bitch. A heinous bitch. Luckily, she is pretty nice to _me_, but if you get on her bad side…" He shook his head. "She can show now mercy if she takes a dislike to you. Whew. Watch your ass." Edward took a long pull on the bottle. _Sexy._ "No, my bosses are supportive and while I do love my job, I need to be here focused on Elizabeth and Anthony right now." He was quiet again.

I decided to let him sit for a minute and process what he wanted to say. After another few minutes, he began again.

"When you have a baby, the administrative assistants send out birth announcements to department members via email. When The day after Elizabeth was born, I called my supervisor and let him know all of the details including the fact that she would be in the NICU for a long while. When they sent out the announcements, it did mention that Elizabeth was premature born prematurely and would be in the hospital for quite some time." He took another gulp of beer before he continued. "So I walked into the fucking research building, and , which is fucking large, and I immediately ran into many quite a few of my co-workers who congratulated me, etc. Normal bullshit that you would expect. However, a couple of my colleagues really sucker-punched me." Upon hearing my intake of breath, he was quick to reassure. "Not intentionally. They just don't understand. Abe stopped me in the hall and wanted to know if I was sleepless because of all the late night feedings."

Ah, I got this. The guilt and regret for not being able to be a fully independent parent of the babies. It _was_ awful that we couldn't even bathe them due to hospital regulations. We got to change diapers, but that was about it. They Elizabeth and Anthony didn't even live in the same zip code that we did.

I laid my head against his shoulder. Edward took a shuddering breath and continued,. "I explained to Abe that Elizabeth was still in the hospital and wouldn't be able to come home until sometime in July at the earliest. After that, he left it alone."

"Sorry baby," I whispered.

Edward laughed a bit harshly. "Oh, that wasn't the best one. As I was going through some emails in my office, Jasper's associate Emily, came by and asked me how I was doing. Emily has three children of her own so we chatted about parenting for a few minutes. She then made the comment of how sick I must be of the hospital since I was spending 'all day and all night' there. I explained that I went home every evening and she looked at me like I was scum of the earth."

My heart broke for him. I would have loved to stay during Anthony's and Elizabeth's worst moments, but to stay every single night? I think I would feel stifled, claustrophobic and overwhelmed. I needed time to regroup and recharge, and I know that Edward does did too. We have had talked about it several times. I was furious that this Emily would make him feel bad about not staying at the hospital 24/7.

I took a deep breath to calm my temper before I continued. "I'm sure she didn't quite think about what it would be like to live at the hospital for over 10 ten weeks. The NICU also doesn't have facilities to shower or sleep, so it wouldn't even be possible to stay."

"Yeah, I know all of that. I _know_ that I couldn't be there 24/7 without losing my mind. But it still nagged at that guilty part of my mind. That what-if-I-will-be-an-awful-parent part." I started to interrupt, but he held up a hand. "I really think I will be a great dad, or I never would have done the whole surrogate thing. I thought long and hard before I ever even looked into it. But I can't help but have doubts, especially facing all of the medical and developmental issues associated with prematurity. Sometimes I just feel completely overwhelmed."

I did know. We were in the same boat. We never talked about the post-NICU potential problems. I think we both had the attitude that we would face them each problem as it arose.

He grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers. Turning to me, he cocked an eyebrow, "You can't say that you don't have some moments of self-doubt and fear about the whole parenting thing."

Yeah, he had me there. He knew me too well, so I came clean. "Yeah. I do. Probably more than you do since Anthony was unplanned. I actually feel much better about the whole prospect since I am no longer a single parent."

Edward just smiled at me and leaned over and gave me the sweetest kiss. It wasn't passionate, but it was a promise. It was a promise for our future. Our future as a family of four.

.

.

By Saturday, Elizabeth's hydrocephalus was pretty much gone. It had resolved before the brain surgery was necessary. However, Edward and I were afraid to let our guard down. After four almost 5 weeks of nonstop drama, it was difficult to believe that we could might be in the clear.

.

Sunday morning found us at the NICU carrying a few extra cups of coffee for the nurses. We decided against bringing any donuts since we weren't sure that Esme wasn't still baking for the staff.

As we walked up to the babies, we started our routine. After checking with the nurse, we changed diapers and clothes if necessary.

I loved their little clothes. Esme had purchased several preemie outfits for both Elizabeth and Anthony. Each outfit was a colorful little snap-up sleeper. They couldn't have zippers because each baby slept with a pulse ox meter on their foot as well as temperature and heartbeat/respiration monitors and the wires needed to thread through their clothing. Each outfit was preemie sized but even then the little sleepers swallowed our three pound babies. I know Edward didn't understand, but wearing clothes made them look like "real" babies instead of the fragile infants they really were. It also made me feel more like a mother. I wasn't allowed to bathe them or breastfeed them, but I could change their clothes.

After we got the babies out of their isolettes and were rocking them, Rose pulled up a chair so she could talk with us.

"Hey, guys. How are you doing?"

I looked to Edward to answer the question. He just shrugged one shoulder, "We are doing okay. A bit tired but we will be alright."

"So, I wanted to talk to you about the next few weeks. Since your babies are approximately thirty-two weeks, we don't really expect them to have any other major setbacks. They obviously still have A&Bs which we have to watch for and they will both probably need another transfusion in a week or so." Both Edward and I nodded, letting Rose know we were following her. "Nevertheless, they are moving into the stage that we call 'feeders and growers'. Well, that term is sort of a misnomer."

Before I could stop myself, I blurted out "What do you mean?"

"Has anyone talked to you about the requirements that babies must meet to be discharged from the NICU?" We both shook our heads. "Well, there are three basic requirements that they must meet. First, they have to free of any non-feeding related A&Bs for seven days."

This time Edward spoke up, "What do you mean non-feeding related?"

"Well, once the babies start feeding by breast or bottle, it is not uncommon for them to have feeding-related A&B's. Basically, they get so focused on eating that they forget to breathe. Babies have a rhythm: suck, swallow, breathe. Preemies tend to have trouble with that rhythm. In fact, babies before thirty-two or thirty-three weeks gestation are generally incapable of being fed by anything other than oral gastric tube, which is why we haven't even tried to feed Elizabeth or Anthony by bottle. In a large majority of cases, that resolves itself by the time they are forty weeks gestational age."

_Bottle feed them?_ I had to speak up, "I want to breastfeed. How will I do that while they are here in the NICU?"

"In our experience, we have found that babies do best in transferring to OG tube, to bottle, then to breast. We don't start with breast because it tends to take more energy for the babies to feed by breast than by bottle. We have a lactation consultant here on staff for the regular mother-baby unit as well as Patty, whose primary job is as a NICU nurse but she is also certified as is a lactation consultant specializing in working with preemies and breastfeeding. Most babies can go from bottle to breast with some work and patience."

I managed a small smile. Inside, all I could think was _UGH, more pumping!_

Rose continued, "So they have to be free of non-feeding related A&Bs, they have to take _all _of their feedings by breast or bottle, and finally, they have to keep up their body temperature in ambient air." She motioned to the end of the room where there were two babies sleeping in regular open-air bassinets.

We were quiet for a moment before Edward asked, "What about weight?"

"Weight has nothing to do with discharge. Babies need to be steadily gaining weight, but there is no 'set' weight they must meet to be discharged." Rose let that sink in, then she was obviously hit by another thought. "Oh, I forgot, they also have to pass a car-seat test. We strap them in their car seat for 30 thirty minutes and make sure they don't have an A&B or desat. Do you have any other questions?"

I was still stuck on the feeding issue, "When will you guys try them with a bottle?"

"My guess would be at the end of the week. We could try Anthony out on a bottle sooner, but I honestly don't think he is ready yet."

"Will we get to be the first ones to feed them?" I really couldn't wait to be able to feed Elizabeth and Anthony as there is something so fundamentally loving and comforting about providing someone you love with food.

Rose met my eyes with a sympathetic expression, "I'm sorry, but in your type of case nurses generally need to give the first few bottles because feeding the first few bottles is very tricky. Anthony and Elizabeth will need to be watched carefully as we don't want them to get choked and aspirate. Additionally, they are likely to have A&Bs or desat. Usually, the parents are present for the feeding, but I will warn you those first feedings can be a bit disheartening and frustrating to watch."

"I don't care, I still want to be there for their first feeding." Edward was nodding his agreement beside me.

"I thought you guys probably would,would; just remember that they probably won't take to it like a fish to water." Rose gave us a smile then walked back to the nurses' station.

Rose was right. The first time they attempted to feed the babies a bottle, it was an exercise in frustration. And I wasn't even the one feeding, I was just watching!

They decided to feed Anthony on Thursday morning. Our nurse Betsy filled a small two ounce plastic bottle with about half an ounce of breast milk and fitted the bottle with a sterile nipple. She then took him out of all of his blankets except for one. Instead of holding him in the crook of her arm, she held him on her lap facing her. It almost looked like they were having a conversation. Betsy then took the bottle and squeezed some milk on his lips. She placed the nipple in his mouth and Anthony looked absolutely repulsed and insulted_._ It was actually pretty funny. She would get drops of milk in his mouth, explaining that they want him to associate the taste of milk with the good feeling of feeding. Basically, he ingested about 3 three drops of my breastmilk and had to be fed the remainder via the OG tube.

Elizabeth was no better. She looked absolutely disgusted when they bottle touched her lips.

We were assured that most preemies went through this. Betsy promised that we should see progress in a few days and if we didn't, then they would stop and try again later. She seemed calm so we tried to follow her lead. The NICU nurses had yet to lead us astray. They were always honest and straightforward.

.  
Our days settled into a routine. I would wake up and pump while Edward went on a run. After showering, we ate a quick breakfast and headed to the hospital. When we arrived at the NICU in the morning, we would check in with the nurses to see if anything had happened since my middle of the night phone call before we changed diapers and clothes. After Elizabeth and Anthony became more comfortable with feeding with a bottle, we were usually allowed to feed a bottle at some point in the morning. They never took the whole bottle, some days were better than others. After they had as much as they could via bottle, the nurses fed the remaining milk through the OG tube. The babies ate exactly every three hours whether they wanted to or not.

Usually, we went to the hospital cafe for lunch. A few times Carlisle or Esme would join us for lunch, but it was generally just the two of us. Most of the time, we ate outside since it was great to get outside and breathe some fresh air. We were also careful to talk about anything other than Elizabeth and Anthony. Lunch became another point in our day where we could reconnect and learn more about each other. By keeping our conversation light and fun, it quickly became one of my favorite times of the day as well as a way for me to recharge my batteries from the morning.

After lunch, we would head back up to the NICU and repeat our morning. As it was when the babies were sick, Carlisle and Esme would visit at various times during the day. Carlisle would stop by when he could in between patients. Esme would stop by depending on her client schedule of the day. Now that the babies were doing okay, I was able to actually interact with them Edward's parents beyond pleasantries quiet greetings and worried looks.

Since the babies were relatively stable, we only went back into the NICU after dinner a few times a week. We always called if we didn't go in, and I continued to check in at night while pumping. But most evenings, both Edward and I needed a break. Every evening, we carved out time for ourselves. Even though we spent almost every minute of the day together, in the evenings as with lunch, we were just Edward and Bella. We talked about our lives, goals, families. It was wonderful, every moment I spent with him, I fell just a bit more in love with him. We had yet to take our physical relationship forward, mainly because I had yet to get the "green light" from my OB for any sexual activity. While I convinced, or rather tackled, Edward a few times to have an up close and personal conversation with his cock, he generally wanted to wait until I could be a more active participant in things.

I can't wait for my doctor's appointment in two days.

.

.

**AN: Sorry about the fit I through threw last week because of the lack of reviews. I spent a bit of time in time-out for my behavior. Although, I got a ton of feedback, so you guys sort of encouraged my temper-tantrum. **

**Another note: Surrogacy is actually illegal in NJ (and lots of states). I am calling author's license for that little fib. We will pretend it is legal since Edward wouldn't go down illegal routes. **

**The incident at work actually happened to my husband. Although the heinous bitch was my supervisor. And she DIDN'T like me. *shudder* Let's just say I kept on the lookout for winged monkeys when she was around.**

**I will try to put some new pictures up of 'Elizabeth' and 'Anthony' this week. Check in a few days. If you want to see pictures of the babies, leave a review asking for the link or PM me. **

****Thanks to everyone who reviewed. Each and every one meant the world to me. You have no idea.****


	24. Lets get it on

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The story is. The 'babies' are, although they aren't babies anymore.**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta. She is awesome. Truly. Any remaining errors or idiocy are mine.**

**.**

**.**

**Chapter 24. Let's get it on.**

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**BPOV**

**.**

The morning of my six-week check-up dawned sunny and warm. For some reason, both Edward and I had slept in later than usual. I woke up on my side with Edward's warm body spooned behind me. His arm was loosely draped over my waist and his face was buried in my hair so that I could feel his breath on my neck. After lying quietly for several minutes, I slowly rolled over to face him_. _

_He is so beautiful._

His hair was a bigger mess than usual, literally sticking up all over the place. His lips were slightly pursed. Thick eyelashes spread over his cheeks, his jaw roughed with morning stubble. Because it was so warm last night, he had gone to sleep wearing only his boxer briefs. His toned chest, abs and arms were visible since the sheet was only waist high. While I couldn't see his legs, I could feel them tangled with mine.

I couldn't wait for the go ahead from the doctor. I was going to eat this man alive.

Sneaking out of the bed, I went downstairs to pump and call the NICU. After assembling the pump, I poured myself a glass of milk and sat down on the comfy recliner. After the milk started flowing, I picked up the phone and hit #8 on the speed dial. Yeah, I had the NICU on speed dial. After two rings, a clear voice responded.

"Good morning, this is the NICU. Stephanie speaking."

"Hey Stephanie, this is Bella. I'm calling to check in on Elizabeth and Anthony. How are they doing this morning?"

"Let me get Betsy, she has them this morning. Hold on just a moment, okay?"

I can hear the phone being transferred from one person to another before Betsy's voice comes over the line. "Good morning, this is Betsy."

"Betsy, it is Bella. You have the babies today?"

"Yes, in fact I just finished up with my assessment. They are both doing really well. I am sure they will need a blood transfusion in a couple of days because of their blood work and increasing A&Bs, but both of them gained weight. Elizabeth was three pounds one ounce and Anthony was two pounds fifteen ounces. Oh! Also, Anthony took his entire bottle last night!"

I could feel tears forming in my eyes. "His entire bottle! That is great. How about Elizabeth?"

"I am actually going to feed Elizabeth in the next thirty minutes. Are you two going to be here? I can hold off."

"I am not sure about Edward, but I have a doctor's appointment this morning so I won't be in until later this afternoon. Edward is still asleep, so I would not wait for him to feed the babies."

"Okay then. We'll see you later in the day."

We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone. As I was turning off the pump, I heard the shower start upstairs. A large part of me wanted to join him in the shower, but my appointment was at 10:00 AM so I only had one hour before I needed to leave. If I was going to get naked with Edward, I wanted longer than one hour.

After labeling and storing my milk, I washed all of the pump pieces in hot soapy water. Looking through the fridge, I decided that bacon and eggs would probably be the best bet for breakfast. Hopefully, we would need our strength for our later activities. As the bacon was frying, Edward came into the kitchen. He was wearing khaki cargo shorts with a blue T-shirt. His hair was still slightly damp from his shower. He came up behind me and pulled me to his chest.

_Oh, he smells so good!_

I felt his lips kiss their way from my shoulder up my neck, sending me into a full body shiver.

His velvety voice was quiet in my ear. "I missed you when I woke up this morning. I don't think I can start my day without a good morning kiss."

I turned in his arms, placed my hands on his chest and raised my face to his. "Well, I really want to have a good day today, so we better not skip the good morning kiss."

As our lips met, I felt his hands run down my back to settle on my hips. I reached up and tangled my fingers in his hair. Before we could deepen the kiss, the alarm on the coffee pot went off which brought us back to reality. Getting lost in Edward's kiss while I was frying bacon was probably not a good idea.

I placed a lingering kiss on the edge of his jaw and whispered, "Later," before turning back to the stove but not before I saw him surreptitiously adjust himself. I couldn't help but smirk to myself.

_Later indeed, Mr. Cullen_.

.

9:50 AM found me sitting in my doctor's office. I was probably one of the few women actually excited about seeing her ob/gyn today.

_Please clear me for sex. Please clear me for sex_.

Five minutes later, I was called in to see the doctor. After being weighed, I was sent back to the exam room so I could get naked from the waist down and fight with the cheap paper drape. Dr. Levi came in after a few minutes.

"So, Bella. How are you doing? How is your baby? Still in the NICU?"

"I'm fine. Anthony is doing great. He got septic but they got the infection under control with antibiotics..." I trailed off as I realized Dr. Levi was staring at me.

"He was septic?"

I just nodded in response.

Dr. Levi cleared his throat. "Well, that is serious. I am glad to hear he came through okay." After a short pause, he continued. "Any other problems with Anthony?"

"Ah, no. He has been doing great. But Edward's daughter did struggle with a Grade 3 IVH." At this point, he put his pen down.

"Grade 3? Did they have to put a stent in?"

"No. They did three spinal taps before it resolved on its own."

There was an awkward silence before he cleared his throat again. "Well, I'm glad both babies seem to be doing better. Umm. How are you doing? Any problems?"

"No. I feel fine."

"Well, why don't you lie back and let's take a look under the hood."

_WTF? I am not a car_.

After that interminable period of distinct un-comfortableness that is a pelvic exam, Dr. Levi was finished and I sat up.

"Well, you are good to go. Do you need to talk about birth control options?"

"Ah, yes. I was thinking about the Mirena IUD. Can I do that?"

"Sure, let me go grab a nurse and what I need. We can do that now."

After the Mirena was inserted, I was a bit crampy but nothing two Aleve couldn't fix. And definitely nothing that would keep me from jumping Edward's bones the minute I got him alone.

_Umm. Edward's bone._

.

By the time I left the doctor's office, it was after 11:00. I decided to prepare a nice lunch for Edward that we could eat at home. I texted him to meet me at his house at 12:30 then headed to the grocery store to buy enough food to sustain us for what I hoped would be some marathon sex.

_Yes. I am that horny._

I didn't get any while I was pregnant and all that sexual frustration had all just accumulated.

Pulling up to the local over-priced suburban grocery story, I decided to be crazy and park my own car ignoring the valet service. Valet service at a grocery store? Really_? _

_If I see any of those Bravo Housewives, I am outta here._

I grabbed a cart and got busy. Fresh bread, cheese, and an assortment of fruit made its way into the buggy. Wandering around, I tried to think of a dessert before I settled on chocolate covered strawberries. Cliché? Yes. Sue me.

Throwing the bags in the car, I rushed home. After unpacking the food and arranging it rather clumsily on a platter I found in the cupboard, I sat down to pump so that my breasts wouldn't spoil what I hoped might be a good afternoon. Once the milk was taken care of, I ran upstairs to take a quick shower and to shave everything that needed shaving—well except that. Completely bare pussy kind of squicks me out. Not that I am going for all 70's porno bush, but I don't want to look like a prepubescent girl. I am woman, hear me roar and all that jazz.

I threw on my short robe and dried my hair so it fell in soft waves around my shoulders. Rummaging through my underwear drawer, I quickly determined that I didn't have anything remotely sexy to wear. Damn my fear of UTIs and dedication to wearing cotton-breathable panties! I refuse to go into this wearing Hanes Her Way and a nursing bra.

A quick glance at the clock showed me I had about 10 minutes before Edward came home. Grabbing my car keys, I ran barefoot out to the garage, naked except for my entirely too short robe. I backed the car out of the driveway and drove the short way to my house.

_Good Lord, please don't let me be in an accident_.

A quick look through my underwear drawer found some Victoria's Secret black lace panties and matching bra, which still had the tags on them. I ripped off my robe and quickly put them on.

_Damn, my boobs are huge and spilling out of this thing._

I rushed back to Edward's house, waving to old Mr. Anderson as I unlocked the front door.

_Whew. Back with 3 minutes to spare.  
_  
Taking a few deep breaths, I went back to the kitchen and poured us some white wine to go with our lunch. Just as I was putting the wine glasses on the island, I heard Edward's Volvo pull up to the house.

Oh, no! I didn't pick any music. Isn't that what people did nowadays? They have some sex playlist on their iPod to listen to while they sex it up? Do I even own any Barry White?

_Shit._

I was so nervous and excited; I felt like a TwiMom going to ComicCon.

Before I could get myself even more worked up, the door opened and Edward walked in. Suddenly, all my nerves just disappeared. I was still excited, but no longer so anxious. Edward took in the sight of me in my short silk robe standing at the kitchen island next to the wine and food. A slow sensual grin spread across his face.

"I take it the doctor's appointment went well?"

Smiling back at him, I picked up my wine glass. "Yes. It went very well."

"Well then. Shall we eat so we have plenty of strength for this afternoon?"

At my nod, he grabbed the food tray in one hand and his glass of wine in the other and headed up the stairs.

"Where are you going?"

I heard his voice fading as he climbed, "I don't want to waste any time between feasting on this and feasting on you."

_Yes!_

.

.

When I got into our bedroom, Edward was sitting up against the headboard with the tray resting on the bed. After I crawled into bed next to him, he picked up a piece of cheese and popped it into his mouth.

_God, who thought cheese could be foreplay?_

I couldn't wrench my eyes away from his mouth.

Edward picked up another piece of cheese and held it to my lips. I opened my mouth and deliberately ran my tongue over his fingers as I accepted the morsel. His beautiful green eyes darkened a bit as he watched me. Grabbing a piece of pineapple, I held the piece up to his mouth but instead of taking the pineapple, he bent and licked the juice that had run down my forearm up to my hand then sucked the fruit from my fingers.

We continued to feed each other and eat while not a word passed between us. The air was thick with sexual tension and anticipation. Even though we had only known each other for six weeks, it felt as if we had known each other for years due to the circumstances.

Once most of the food was gone and the wine glasses emptied, Edward moved to set the empty platter on the dresser. I just sat quietly in the middle of the bed, watching him move. Once he reached the edge of the bed, I moved to kneel so that we were closer.

Edward reached out a hand and slowly ran his fingers from my temple to my cheek. I looked him in the eye and murmured, "I love you."

"I love you too. So much. You and the babies are everything to me."

He then leaned down to kiss me. The kiss started out soft and sweet, just our lips moving together. After a time, he took my bottom lip in between his and ran his tongue over it. As I opened my mouth, he slowly moved to lick at my top lip then pressed closer to deepen the kiss. His hands were running slowly up and down my back but were staying on top of the robe for now. Meanwhile, I fisted my hands in his soft hair.

Edward broke away from my mouth and began to kiss his way down my neck. His hands went to the tie on my robe while my hands reached for the hem of his shirt. The knot on my robe was undone only moments before I pulled the shirt from his body. Moving even closer to him, I guided his mouth back to mine while I pressed my body close to his. I could feel the hair on his chest tickle the tops of my breasts. Edward's hands were making a slow path from my waist upward to cup my lace-covered breasts. With a big breath, we broke apart and his eyes immediately dropped to look at my chest. I couldn't help but grin when his staring went on longer than was polite.

"Like what you see?" I couldn't help but giggle.

"Hell, yes. You are beautiful."

He pushed the robe off my shoulders and unhooked the back of my bra. After throwing the bra on the floor, he urged me to lie back. Edward quickly removed his shorts leaving only his gray boxer briefs on. His erection was so taut it is actually pulling the elastic away from his body and a spot of pre-cum had darkened the fabric. I went to reach for him, but he saw my intention and pulled his hips away.

"No. I've had my turn. This time is all about you."

"You're wrong. It is all about _us._" His eyes snapped to mine; they actually seemed to blaze with intensity. He stretched himself out beside me, pressing his cock against my hip. Meanwhile, his hand began to cup and caress my breast. Leaning down, he nuzzled my nipple with his nose.

"You're not going to spray me with breast milk are you?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "No, I think you are safe as long as you don't do any sucking. That would be bad."

Edward began to place closed mouth kisses all over one breast and nipple before moving to the other side. My breasts were so sensitive, his attention felt divine. I was so caught up in his worship of my chest that it took a moment for me to realize that his hand had dipped under the waistband of my panties.

_Oh yes!_

Lifting my hips, we worked together to get my panties down my legs so I could kick them off. I didn't feel at all self-conscious about being completely nude in front of him. I was his; he was mine. I knew he wasn't bothered by my bright red C-section scar or that odd stretch mark on my right side. I could tell by the way he was looking at me, that he loved what he saw because he loved me. I had never felt so beautiful or desirable as I did with him.

Kissing his way down my body, Edward settled himself in between my thighs. I could feel myself get even wetter in anticipation. When his tongue finally, _finally_, licked from my entrance to my clit, my body almost convulsed.

_So good. So good. SO GOOD!_

His tongue painted slow, teasing circles around my clitoris and I could feel my hips start to move in response. I felt one of his fingers at my entrance before he slowly pushed it into my body. At this point, I was making animal like moans. He pumped his finger in and out of me in rhythm with his tongue. Adding another finger, I could feel my body stretch to accommodate him. He sped up his rhythm and his tongue began to move faster and faster against my clit. My hands somehow found their way into his hair and I held his head to me while my eyes closed so I could fully concentrate on the incredible feelings he was bringing from my body.

"Oh, fuck. Ugh… Edward!"

My climax came out of nowhere, surprising me with its force. It seemed to last forever as Edward skillfully drew out every last moment of my orgasm.

Time had no meaning, as I lay there panting and sweaty. My limbs felt heavy and relaxed. Smiling gently, I felt Edward's very naked body gently cover mine.

_When did he take his briefs off?_

Opening my eyes, I was met with his green eyes and smug smile.

I couldn't help but ask, "Proud of yourself, are you?"

He made a soft affirmative noise as he kissed my mouth. Tasting myself on his lips was beyond erotic and I could feel my desire building again. His legs were tangled with mine, his erection hard and ready against my hip. As through some unspoken agreement, we both moved so that Edward was situated between my legs. His cock was right between my thighs.

"Oh, god. Yes. Please, Edward."

I threaded my left hand through his hair and with my right hand, I grabbed his cock and positioned it at my entrance. After breaking our kiss, I looked at him and whispered, "Make love to me, Edward. Make me yours."

I heard his whispered words of love and lust in my ear as Edward pushed forward, then pulled back only to push forward even deeper. My body was not used to this and given Edward's size, I could feel myself stretch with every thrust forward. Three thrusts later, he had completely entered me. His pelvis was flush with mine. I raised my legs and wrapped them around his waist, tilting my hips upward to get as much depth as possible. Feeling the shudder that wracked his body, I ran my palms down his back in a soothing motion.

I too was overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with love. With lust. With the significance of our actions.

Once he was in control of his body, he began to move. Edward made love to me with long, deep strokes. I could actually feel the head of his cock hit my g-spot. It felt so good. Moving so that his forearms were underneath me, he curled both hands over the tops of my shoulders so as to secure me to his increasing rhythm.

"Oh, god. Touch yourself, baby."

I reached between us and began rubbing circles around my clit. I was so aroused and so sensitive that I knew it wouldn't take much for me to climax again.

Looking down our bodies to where we were joined, Edward let out a low groan. "Oh fuck. Bella. It's so good. Love you so much."

I think I was beyond words at this point; all I could do was moan in response.

I could feel my muscles tightening, my body racing toward orgasm. All it took was one very deep thrust and Edward's gravelly voice of encouragement. "Come for me, Bella. Please come. Oh, I feel you. That's it baby, fuck." I exploded. I had never had an orgasm like this. All of my nerve endings seemed to be focused on the pleasure between my legs just like my body, soul and mind was focused on Edward.

As I was trembling in my aftershocks, I again became aware of Edward's words. His head was buried in my shoulder and his words came in time with his movements. "Fuck… Fuck… So good… Bella… Oh, god…" With one last groan, he reached his own climax. I could feel his cock swell, his thrusts became erratic then I felt the rhythmic throbbing of his cock as he came deep inside of me.

Edward tried to move off of me, but I tightened my hold on him. "No. Stay. You aren't too heavy."

"Bella, love, my arms are not going to hold me much longer."

I made a noise of protest as he pulled out of me and came to rest at my side. Looking up to meet his eyes, I felt my heart swell in my chest.

"I love you so very much."

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We spent the rest of the night at home making love. Again. And again.

At some point in the early evening, we reluctantly climbed out of bed. While I pumped, Edward ran out for some Thai food. A call to the NICU assured us that Elizabeth and Anthony were fine and were enjoying their visit with Esme and Emmett.

Surprisingly, I did not feel any guilt over the fact that I did not see the babies today. I missed them both and wanted to see them, but I also knew that Edward and I needed this time together. We needed to replenish each other.

We needed to show our love to one another.

Both of us felt a sense of relief now that we had made love. Not just relief of sexual tension, but also emotional tension. Our bodies were _finally_ allowed to fully demonstrate to one another the depth of our love and devotion. The physical intimacy and vulnerability that defined our lovemaking conveyed the love we had for each other in ways that words never could.

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**AN: Yup. A lemon. *bites nails***

**I added a few more pictures of 'Elizabeth' and 'Anthony' to the site. If anyone wants the link, leave me a review or PM me.**

**FFn was complete FAIL these past 10 days. If I missed responding to your review, it wasn't for lack of trying. I didn't get emails with each review. So sorry if I missed you.**

**I will be on vacation (Spring break) so the next chapter probably won't post until the 3****rd**** week of April. I won't have access to a computer while I am gone, so I have no way of writing or posting or responding.**


	25. Never Ending

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The story is. The 'babies' are, although they aren't babies anymore.**

**This chapter hasn't been beta'd yet. I will upload the corrected version ASAP. I just hated to make you guys wait any longer for an update…**

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**Chapter 25. Never Ending.**

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**EPOV**

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Today marked the six week mark of Elizabeth and Anthony's stay in the NICU. In many ways the time has seen to fly by. It is hard to believe that it was only days ago that Bella and I were staring the neurosurgeon in the face, talking about surgical intervention for Elizabeth's hydrocephalus.

Barring any complications, the only things that Elizabeth and Anthony had to do to be released from the hospital was to take all of their feedings by bottle or breast and to be A&B free for seven days.

It sounded simple. It was just another type of hell.

For me, the most difficult part of the upcoming weeks was watching the A&Bs. Both Bella and I had become quite familiar with A&Bs. During our time in the NICU, both Elizabeth and Anthony would have A&Bs multiple times a day. The A&Bs always followed the same pattern: the baby would stop breathing which caused a decrease in heart rate. The decrease in respiratory rate and heart beat would trigger the monitors to alarm loudly and whoever was closest would respond. It became second nature for both Bella and me to reach over and wiggle their foot or move them a bit so that the babies would "remember" to breathe again and their heart rate would speed back up to a normal rate.

Now that Elizabeth and Anthony were more mature, the nurses threw us for a huge fucking loop. It was time to play a game of "chicken" with our babies. Monday was the first day of this fresh hell.

Bella and I had come in at our usual time on Monday and began our routine. We asked the same questions every morning: how Elizabeth and Anthony were doing, if they gained any weight, did they take their bottles overnight, how many A&Bs. We then changed their diapers, swaddled them and removed them from their isolettes for some cuddle time.

Bella had Elizabeth and I was holding Anthony when a monitor began to alarm. It was reflex to glance up to the monitor to see who was having the A&B. Once I registered that Anthony was the culprit, I made a move to unwrap him a bit but before I could do anything Rose was standing next to me.

Rose addressed me but never met my eyes as she was glancing between the monitor and Anthony. "Edward, hold off for a second."

Both Bella and I spoke at the same time, "What? Why?"

Rose didn't answer as her attention was completely focused on Anthony. I looked up to the still-alarming monitor and saw that his pulse ox was starting to dip. _What the hell? Why aren't we doing something?_

Finally, Rose reached down and gave the still-bundled Anthony a jiggle and he began to breathe again which brought up his heart rate and pulse ox. The monitor finally quieted.

Before I could say anything, Rose knelt in front of both Bella and me. "Sorry about that. I meant to talk to you but Anthony had a A&B before I could get a chance."

"Talk to us about what?"

"Well, we have decided to see if Elizabeth and Anthony can self-correct their A&Bs without outside assistance. As you both know, a hurdle for getting out of here is to have no A&Bs for one week. But that doesn't mean that they have to be completely A&B free, if they have an A&B but correct it by themselves, then it doesn't count."

"So you are saying that they could still come home even if they are having A&Bs? That doesn't sound reassuring."

"Well remember, they have to have gone one week with no outside intervention. As they further mature, A&Bs will significantly drop off anyway. Remember how many they had when they first got here?"

Both Bella and I nodded. The number of A&Bs had significantly decreased the longer they were here.

Rose continued, "It is not uncommon for babies to go five days, then have just one A&B that needs help then you have to start the count all over again. However, we don't count feeding related A&Bs so if they have an A&B while feeding that you have to intervene, it doesn't set you back."

I took a big breath before I spoke. "So basically, you are telling me that we are going to play chicken with Elizabeth and Anthony over the A&Bs."

Rose laughed. "Yup. That is exactly what we will be doing."

Bella just sighed.

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As much trouble as I was having over the wait and see approach to A&Bs, Bella was struggling with bottle feeding. Since Elizabeth and Anthony had been taking bottles for several days, Bella and I did all of the bottle feedings when we were visiting the NICU. It was so frustrating.

Elizabeth and Anthony were fed every three hours. There is no "demand" feeding in the NICU, as a NICU patient you either take your bottle or you get the proscribed amount of milk via the oral-gastric tube.

To feed each baby, we would free them from their blankets so that they were more awake and alert. We then held them on our laps, facing us, with their head cradled in our left hands while we held the bottle with our right hands. This position was almost always used by the parents and nurses in our NICU because it allowed you to easily see the face of your infant, it kept them cooler since they weren't up next to your body, and since they were cooler they tended to be more alert. Alert babies feed better than sleeping babies in my limited experience.

For some reason, Bella took it very hard when a baby wouldn't take their entire bottle. She was constantly being reassured by the nurses and neonatologists that they would eventually be free of the OG tube, but it continued to bother her. Even if I was the one feeding the baby that didn't take the whole bottle, it seemed to get her down. After one spectacular episode of bottle-fail, Bella excused herself early to go pump. I put Elizabeth back in her isolette and went to find Bella.

Bella was in the "pumping closet" as she had not-so-affectionately called the pumping room. But she wasn't pumping, she was just sitting on the rocking chair with her eyes closed and tears running down her face. She didn't open her eyes to acknowledge me when I opened the door and entered the room.

I picked her up before turning around to sit down on the rocking chair then I arranged her in my lap. At this point, she turned her head and cried into the ugly hospital gown covering my chest.

It seemed like hours that she cried, but it was probably only minutes. When she finally calmed down, she was completely quiet for a long time. Finally she whispered, "It seems like they will never get out of here. Never go home."

I was quiet because I agreed with her. It did feel like an impossibility that they would ever leave. It had been six weeks and we still had so much to go.

Bella took another shuddering breath and burrowed further into my chest before she continued. "It kills me. Just _kills_ me that I can't feed my own babies all of their meals. I hate those damn OG tubes. I want _us_ to be the ones who feed them. I want to meet those needs. That is what parents do… " Her voice trailed off in a sob.

I had no words of comfort. We just sat there, rocking and crying.

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At the beginning of the seventh week in the NICU, we came into the NICU to find Anthony naked as a jaybird, laying in a warmer on his belly. I immediately felt a flash of alarm when I saw him on the warmer, but my NICU-veteran eyes noticed that he did not have any IVs, breathing support or extra leads or monitors. In fact, he didn't even have a diaper!

Bella looked at me and quirked an eyebrow in question.

"I have no idea why he is like that." I murmured.

Betsy came up behind us as we approached Anthony. "Good morning Bella, Edward. How are you two today?"

Bella turned to face our nurse. "We're fine. What is going on with Anthony? Why is he completely naked? Some sort of NICU-hazing ritual?"

Betsy actually snorted! "No. No hazing. However, remember how Anthony had a patch of diaper rash that we have been battling? Well, last night it got much, much worse."

As she was speaking, the three of us walked to the side of the warmer so we could see Anthony's behind. Betsy wasn't exaggerating. His buns looked like raw hamburger. The diaper "rash" took over his entire bottom. It had obviously been bleeding as the large areas of rash were raw and red.

"Why is he suddenly having problems with this? He never had such serious rashes before!" Bella looked absolutely horrified.

"Since he hasn't been on any medications recently, it probably was something that you ate that you passed into your breast milk. Have you eaten anything recently that was different? Spicy? Strong-tasting?"

Bella and I looked at each other and realized at the same time: "Thai food!" Bella's face flushed a deep red so I knew she was remembering our first night of love-making. I continued, "We had some spicy Thai food about a week ago. That could be the breast milk that he is having now right?"

Betsy checked Anthony's chart to double-check the date on the breast milk he was given over the past few days. "Ah, yes. He finished off that batch of breast milk last night. Did you have any more milk that might have Thai food contaminants?"

I looked to Bella, feeling relieved that we quickly figured out the source of Anthony's problem. Unfortunately, I could see Bella looked to be near tears. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her head. "Bella, you had no way of knowing that Anthony wouldn't tolerate you eating Thai food. Elizabeth obviously had no problem with it."

Bella's rough voice cut me off. "But I never even thought about it! I drank wine that night! I was so careful while I was pregnant but I never gave one thought to—"

I cut her off with a quick kiss. "Bella. You didn't know. You made a mistake. You obviously won't make this mistake again. BUT, this won't be the first mistake we make as parents. We aren't going to be perfect. We just need to learn from each mistake, support each other and move on. It isn't worth beating yourself up over this. You are a great mother and will be a great mother." I kissed her again, but much more tenderly than the first one. "Any woman prepared to give up Thai food for the next year is a hero in my book."

A wicked grin lit up her face. "Are you going to forego Thai food with me? Parental solidarity and all that?"

What could I say? I would do anything for this woman and our family. "I hereby promise to be Thai-free until the babies are fully weaned off breast milk."

I was rewarded with a beautiful smile. "I love you too."

After another hug, we both turned back to Anthony and Betsy.

"So why is he naked? How does that help diaper rash?"

"Well, we don't want him sitting in a wet or dirty diaper. Keeping him naked allows us to keep his bottom clean and dry. Unfortunately, we also have to prepare for explosive baby-poo."

At this statement, Betsy gestured to the baby blanket that was draped over the end of the warmer. It was pulled up like the net behind the football goal posts, except I guess it wouldn't contain a football.

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For all of the emotional challenges involved in just _waiting_ for Elizabeth and Anthony to be physically ready to be discharged, our days were not all stress and worry. Bella and I continued to get to know each other as we spent every day together. We had danced around the issue of combining our households though. I know that I was anxious for us to "officially" combine our families; and I definitely didn't want us to go home to separate houses once the babies were released. However, I wasn't sure that the time was quite right to propose marriage, even though I desperately wanted to make Bella my wife. Ironically, I also wasn't thrilled with the idea of us moving in together without the commitment of marriage or at least engagement. After days of thinking in circles, I decided to actually _talk_ to Bella about what was on my mind.

Our day at the NICU had been relatively stress-free. Anthony's diaper rash was improving, Elizabeth had only one A&B all day and both babies took all of their bottles except for one. It was a good day.

On the way home, I suggested that we stop by the local Italian restaurant and grab a pizza to go. The evening was warm and clear so when we got home, we grabbed the food and some iced tea and ate outside on the patio.

After cleaning up the remnants of dinner, we sat together on the porch swing. Holding hands, we quietly watched the lightin' bugs flit about the backyard in the gathering dusk. As the temperature cooled further, I put my arm around Bella's shoulders and pulled her closer to my chest. I kissed the top of her head while she buried her face into my chest.

Reluctantly, I stood and offered her my hand. "Let's go inside, love. I want to talk with you."

Hand in hand, we walked upstairs to our bedroom. I kicked off my shoes and socks and removed my shirt before I sat down on the bed, leaning against the headboard. I waited as Bella went ahead and changed into a silky tank top and short shorts. She crawled into bed and sat facing me with her long legs crossed.

Needing to touch her, I leaned forward and grabbed her hands in both of mine. I took a deep breath and just decided to jump right in. "Bella, I want to talk about our future. But, being male, I will probably mess this up quite a bit, so maybe try to let me get it all out before you say anything?"

I tried to smile at her as she nodded her agreement, but I was really nervous. _What if we don't want the same things? Or want them at different times?_

"Bella, I love you more than I ever thought possible. You are everything I could have ever dreamed for in a woman. You are my partner, my equal, my lover, my best friend. You are so compassionate, patient, friendly and passionate. You challenge me. You make me laugh. I just adore you. Even though we met under atrocious circumstances, you have made these past seven weeks bearable. In fact, they have been flat-out wonderful at times. I don't know what I would have done without you. I don't _want_ to know what I would do without you. I love having you with me whether we are sharing meals or doing laundry or grocery shopping or rocking our babies in the NICU."

At this point, there were silent tears running down Bella's face. I let go of her hands so that I could reach up and brush the tears from her cheeks.

"I have been thinking about our future. You are my future. You and Anthony and Elizabeth. I want us all together. In one house. As one family. I don't care where we live, but I want it to be together." Taking a deep breath, I plow on. "I want to marry you. I want to be your husband. I want to grow old together. Raise our family together."

My voice trails off to a whisper. "I want you to be my wife. I want you and the kids to share my last name. I want us to be married. Officially. I want to adopt Anthony and I want you to adopt Elizabeth."

I had meant to add the caveat that I didn't need all of this _right now._ But as I was talking, I realized that it was a lie. I did want this all right now. I would marry Bella tomorrow if it were possible. She was it for me. She was _everything_ for me.

It seemed as though a lifetime had passed while I looked into her eyes waiting for her to process everything I had said. Her beautiful brown eyes still produced tears that ran down her face, but they never wavered from mine.

When she finally spoke, her voice was rough with emotion. "Are you asking me to marry you Edward?"

"Yes, I am. I know I don't have a ring or flowers or anything, but I only need you. I only want you. We can go buy a ring tomorrow and I can—" Leaning forward, Bella cut me off with a kiss.

"Of course I will marry you. You silly man. What woman would say no to such a proposal? I don't need the ring or the flowers or a fancy dinner. I only need you. I only want you."

I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her passionately. _She was going to be my wife!_ My heart literally felt like it was going to burst from my chest.

Bella's fisted her hands in my hair as she pulled me closer. We were both up on our knees on the bed as we kissed. Our tongues tangled and massaged each other. It was impossible to get close enough. I reached for the hem of her tank top and we broke apart long enough for me to rip it over her head. Once it was off, my hands were immediately on her beautiful, full breasts. Even though she had pumped an hour ago, they were already full and heavy with milk. I couldn't help but show my appreciation for her lovely breasts. I kissed my way down her creamy neck on a direct path southward. Cupping her breasts, I lifted them to my mouth, kissing and caressing them until Bella's moans reached a fever pitch.

I ran my hands down her sides until I reached her shorts. After I gently guided her onto her back, I pushed the shorts down her toned legs. Leaning back, I took in the vision that was Bella. I will never get over seeing her naked on my bed. Her dark thick hair was spread all over the pillow. Her nipples were hard, her legs parted enough that I could see the wetness on the inside of her thighs. At this point, my cock was painfully hard. _God, I wanted this woman._

Bella reached for the button on my shorts and quickly unbuttoned and unzipped them enough to push the fabric down my hips. I stood next to the bed to remove my shorts as well as my boxer briefs. Before I could rejoin her on the bed, Bella leaned forward and licked the tip of my cock. _Oh god._ An embarrassingly loud grunt issued from my chest at the sensation. Looking up at me with her big brown eyes, Bella slowly took my tip into her mouth and sucked off the pre-cum that had gathered there. Her hum of approval almost made me lose it right then.

I gently pushed her back on the bed, away from my cock. She sent me an adorable pout, but she didn't fight me too much once I quickly settled in between her legs. There was nothing that would keep me from her tonight. I desperately needed a taste.

I pushed her thighs further apart with my shoulders then leaned down to nuzzle her clit with my nose. _God she smelled good._ I flicked the tip of my tongue out to tease her clit. Bella immediately bucked her hips up toward my face. Licking from her entrance to her clit, I lapped up as much of her moisture as I could. Feeling her thighs trembling next to me, I knew she was already very close to climax. Using my tongue to tease her clit, I used my fingers to stimulate her g-spot. After three strokes, she fell apart while keening my name.

As Bella returned to reality, I crawled up her body until I reached her beautiful face. Kissing her softly, I whispered "I love you."

Bella took me by surprise when she rolled me on to my back, straddled me and leaned down to return my kiss. "I love you too."

Before my lust-addled brain could figure out what was happening, Bella grabbed my cock, positioned it at her entrance and slowly lowered herself until I was fully engulfed in her tight, wet pussy. "Fuck. Bella. So tight…. Ugh."

I was reduced to grunts and moans when I registered the vision that was Bella, riding my cock. She was so damn hot. Her hair was wild around her naked shoulders and breasts. She had leaned back so that her arms were on my thighs which allowed the head of my cock to rub her g-spot on every stroke. I could see my dick, wet with her juices, disappear inside her with every movement.

My hands made their way to her curvy hips to steady her as I began to thrust up to meet her. We both began to get louder as our bodies raced toward climax.

"God…Edward…right there…don't stop…ugh…yes…don't stop…shit"

"Fuck…Bella…ugh…feels so good…so good…love you…fuck!"

I was actively fighting to contain my orgasm when I noticed that Bella brought one of her hands forward and began to rub her clit. "Oh shit!...Bella….so hot…make yourself feel good…UGH" Three strokes later I exploded screaming her name. I used every bit of control I had to keep thrusting to help Bella reach her peak so she could join me. Luckily, she released moments after I did.

Bella collapsed in a sweaty heap on my chest with me still buried inside of her. We lay there panting until we finally had the energy to move enough to make eye contact. I brushed her crazy sex-hair off of her face while she leaned forward to give me a soft, loving kiss.

"I love you, future Mrs. Cullen."

"I love you too. More than you could ever know."

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**AN: I will add pictures to the album today or tomorrow. Next chapter shouldn't be so delayed. I hope.**


	26. Switcheroo

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The story is. The 'babies' are, although they aren't babies anymore.**

**I remember thinking the next chapter wouldn't take so long. Yeah. That is what I get for thinking.**

_**cocoalvin **_**is my beta. She is awesome. And fast. And tactful. And kind. Any remaining mistakes are mine, probably because I didn't listen to her.**

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**Chapter 26. Switcheroo.**

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**BPOV**

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The days following Edward's proposal were a mixture of anticipation, frustration, and impatience. When we weren't at the NICU, we were busy moving my things into Edward's house and preparing my house for the market. Of course, Esme worked her magic and "tweaked" Elizabeth's nursery so it would also include a crib and space for Anthony.

Edward and I also started legal proceedings so that we could formally adopt Elizabeth and Anthony. To save on some legal hassles, we got married at the courthouse. We planned to have another small wedding for friends and family after Elizabeth and Anthony got home, so we conveniently didn't tell anyone about our courthouse vows.

So while our time out of the NICU seemed to fly by, our time in the NICU just dragged. It was so difficult not to get frustrated as we saw babies that were admitted after ours, being released to go home. We had a glimmer of hope at eight weeks that Anthony might be discharged, but he had an A&B on day five so we had to start our get-out-of-the-NICU countdown all over again.

One morning I was in the NICU by myself, as Edward had to go into work to sign some patent papers for his legal department. As I sat holding Elizabeth, I found myself almost begging her to get well enough to come home. I was at the end of my emotional rope. I was ready for these babies to be _home._

Day after day, as I sat and rocked her in our quiet corner of the NICU, I couldn't help but sing to her every now and again. I would sing the standard nursery rhymes or silly songs my mother had sung to me. Today though, I could only sing one song.

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_Come away with me in the night  
Come away with me  
And I will write you a song_

_Come away with me on a bus_  
_Come away where they can't tempt us_  
_With their lies_

_And I want to walk with you_  
_On a cloudy day_  
_In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high_  
_So won't you try to come?_

_Come away with me and we'll kiss_  
_On a mountaintop_  
_Come away with me_  
_And I'll never stop loving you_

_And I want to wake up with the rain_  
_Falling on a tin roof_  
_While I'm safe there in your arms_  
_So all I ask is for you_  
_To come away with me in the night_  
_Come away with me_

_-Norah Jones-_

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By week nine both babies were taking all of their feedings by bottle, so I began working with the NICU nurse/lactation consultant, Patty, to get both babies to take feedings from my breast. The process was slow, disheartening, and just plain frustrating.

Edward and I arrived at the NICU during week nine with our infant car seats in hand. Today was the day of the infamous car seat test. Both babies were almost four and a half pounds and still very small. We had adjusted the car seat straps to the smallest setting, but the babies still seemed absolutely dwarfed by the chair once they were strapped in. Luckily, both Anthony and Elizabeth passed with flying colors; they did not desat or have any A&Bs. One hurdle down.

As we were getting them out of their car seats, Patty appeared beside me. "Anthony is due for a feeding, do you want to try feeding him again today?"

Internally, I just sighed, but I plastered a smile on my face and turned to Patty, "Sure, let's try again today."

Patty got some fabric screens for privacy and cordoned off a place for us to "work". I sat in a glider with a pillow on my lab while Patty crouched in front on me. We would both work to get Anthony to latch, but unfortunately, he would pull back after just a suck or two which wasn't enough to get my milk flowing. Patty tried all kinds of tricks to get him on but with no avail. Finally, we "cheated". I got my milk flowing with the pump so that he wouldn't have to suck for long to get some milk. Anthony was able to breastfeed for quite a while after he got the idea. Once he passed out in a milk coma, it was Elizabeth's turn.

If I thought Anthony was frustrating, he didn't have anything on Elizabeth.

Nothing Patty or I did would persuade Elizabeth to latch. She completely rejected me. After thirty minutes, I was near tears and Elizabeth was getting a bit frantic for milk. As Edward fed Elizabeth her bottle, I sequestered myself in the pump closet to relieve the backlog of milk that had built up in my breasts from the last hour of attempted feedings. I may or may not have sobbed the entire time.

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At week nine, day three we met with our nurse, Betsy, and the neonatologist on duty. Dr. Burns explained that it looked like Anthony may be ready to go home in two days. He hadn't had an A&B for seven days and was taking all of his feedings by bottle. He was having feeding-related A&Bs, but since Edward and I knew what to look for and how to deal with those, he was comfortable releasing Anthony to our care. All that remained was keeping his temperature when in an open-air bassinet. They would give him forty-eight hours in the bassinet then release him.

However, Elizabeth was not quite ready. She would go one or two days and take every drop of each of her bottles, then out of the blue she would only take half a bottle. Dr. Burns explained that he wasn't too concerned as she was still gaining weight, also if she was breast-feeding there would be no way to know how much she was consuming. To be on the safe side, he thought she should stay longer. However, he still moved Elizabeth to an open-air bassinet since he was confident she would be fine without the isolette.

Having the babies in an open-air bassinet was more exciting than you would think. They looked like "real" babies. No IVs, no bundles of wires; the only thing that distinguished them from "healthy" babies was the fact that both Elizabeth and Anthony had a pulse-ox meter around their foot. But since they had pretty much quit having A&Bs, the alarm rarely went off.

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Week nine, day four brought us to what we hoped would be our last "setback". When we Edward and I arrived, we were informed that Dr. Burns had determined that Anthony's bilateral inguinal hernias needed to be repaired before he was released. Apparently, premature babies did not respond well to anesthesia. Some preemies didn't stay under for very long, and some stayed under for longer than you would expect. Because the surgeons expected Anthony to respond unpredictably to surgery, there would be two surgeons working simultaneously on him. Anthony would have one surgeon per hernia. Also, many preemies had issues with tachycardia or bradycardia after surgery. Additionally, it was made very clear to us that once Elizabeth and Anthony were discharged from the hospital, Medicaid would no longer act as a secondary insurance and we would be liable for any other costs.

In other words, Anthony was not coming home with us tomorrow. Instead, he was scheduled for surgery on day 70 of his NICU stay.

Elizabeth, however, was doing great. Dr. Burns changed his mind and decided to send her home tomorrow. After 68 days in the NICU, she would get her discharge papers.

Tomorrow, we would have one baby home and two days later we would have one headed for surgery.

Would this ever end?

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**AN: We are almost at the end folks. **

**This was difficult for me to write. I was just flat-out mentally exhausted when week 8 and 9 rolled around. The only thing I really remember was just wanting them HOME.**


	27. Last Minute Tortures

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The story is. The 'babies' are, although they aren't babies anymore.**

_Cocoalvin_ is my beta. She is just lovely. Seriously. She is the Nutella to my anything I can find to put Nutella on. She puts up with my inability to use one tense. She catches all of my mistakes. Any remaining mistakes are mine – because I don't always listen and I tend to add stuff in at the last minute. Stubborn, thy name is 'hotmama'.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot. I wrote a o/s as my own personal little tribute to my friends and family in Joplin, Missouri and western Oklahoma. It is called "Tornado Survivor" and it is also based on RL. Because apparently I have no imagination. Sigh.

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**Chapter 27. Last Minute Tortures**

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**EPOV**

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After Bella accepted my impetuous proposal, I felt like I finally had all the pieces I needed to put my life, _our_ life, our _family_, together. Now I just needed to get everything assembled. Easier said than done.

As soon as possible, we met with our family's attorney to get the process of adoption started. Jenks was a close trusted friend of my parents and had been their attorney for longer than I have been alive. I felt nothing but excitement when Bella and I walked into his office to meet with him.

I hadn't seen Jenks in a few years, but I was unsurprised to see he had changed little. I took in his appearance as he rose from his desk to greet us. His dark hair was carefully styled and his Armani suit was expertly tailored to fit his tall frame. The smile on his face was reflected in his dark eyes as he grasped my hand and pulled me in for a man-hug.

"Edward, my boy. I haven't seen you in years. You are looking great." He stepped back from me and turned his attention to Bella. "You must be the lovely Isabella Swan that Esme was telling me about."

A lovely pink colored Bella's cheeks, "Please call me Bella. It is nice to meet you. The fact that Carlisle and Esme call you a friend speaks very highly of you."

After a few moments of pleasantries, with Bella and I sharing baby photos, we finally got down to business.

I cleared my throat and got right to the point, "Two days ago, Bella agreed to be my wife." I felt Bella grab my hand and squeeze. I shot her a quick grin before I continued, "We are in the process of consolidating our households and finances, but the most important issue for both of us is adoption. We both feel and act as parents to both Elizabeth and Anthony. We need to make that legal as well."

"Well there are several issues here. Do you want a pre-nuptial agreement in place before you marry?"

I started to open my mouth to respond when I heard Bella's voice. "No. No pre-nup. Edward is it for me."

Turning in my chair to face Bella, I reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. "Bella, you have so much more money and assets than I do. Are you sure about this?"

"Yes, Edward. You. Are. It. For. Me."

After watching her for any sign of doubt, I agreed. "If that is what you want Love."

Jenks broke the quiet moment. "Okay. No pre-nup. I can get the paperwork started on the adoptions, and you will both need new wills. Have you considered what you are going to do with surnames?"

Wow. Bella and I hadn't discussed the name issue at all. Well, I think I might have mentioned it during my crazy love-sick proposal. The Neanderthal in me wanted everyone to have the name Cullen, but I realized that as a successful author, Bella probably didn't want to change her name.

I started to respond, "Jenks, Bella and I haven't really had a chance—"

Bella cut me off gently, "I want us to all have the last name Cullen. I want to keep Isabella Swan as my penname, but legally and personally, I want to be Bella Cullen." She turned to me and looked me right in the eyes as she continued to address Jenks, "I want to have the same last name as my children and as my husband."

I leaned forward and gave her a kiss. The kiss may have been chaste, but I tried to pour every ounce of the love and respect I had for this woman into it. Looking into her glassy eyes I whispered, "I love you Bella Swan-soon-to-be-Cullen. I love you more than you could ever imagine."

A quiet cough brought us both back to reality. "Well, I do have a suggestion to put on the table. You may want to think about getting married sooner rather than later. Being married would probably help expedite the adoption process, additionally, it would mean less paperwork with regard to name changes. I have had couples who get married at the courthouse then have a more traditional wedding at a later date. Again, this is just a suggestion. Either way, we can get your goals accomplished."

Bella and I left Jenks' office and headed down to City Hall to get a marriage license.

We got married as soon as legally possible. Since we both wanted a small traditional wedding with our close friends and family, we just didn't mention the fact that we were already married to anyone.

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Aside from all the legal and financial aspects of joining our lives together, Bella and I worked quickly to get her physically moved into my home. She put her home up for sale the week after I proposed. We borrowed Emmett's truck and muscles so we could move her clothing, books and a few pieces of furniture over to the house. After a few hours of hard work, _my_ house was now _our_ home.

Mom spent some time getting Elizabeth's nursery ready for the addition of her brother. Another crib, a second rocking chair and a few decorating adjustments and the room was ready for both babies to be brought home.

Bella and I were ready for the babies to come home. The house was ready. The legal paperwork was in process. If only Elizabeth and Anthony were ready to come home.

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At the beginning of week nine, I walked into the NICU by myself. Bella had to go into the city to see her editor and meet with a realtor about selling her small condo. I had only been there for an hour or so when Rose sat down beside me.

"Hey, Edward. Where's Bella this morning?"

I didn't pause my rocking of Anthony to answer her. "She had to go into Manhattan to settle up some personal business." I looked away from Anthony to meet Rose's eyes. "Is something wrong?"

"Well. No. Nothing is wrong. Dr. Berns is going to be here this morning and both of the babies need to be examined before they leave. This is the appropriate time to get them looked at." I know my face must have shown my confusion because she continued. "Dr. Berns? The pediatric ophthalmologist?"

"I know absolutely nothing about this."

Inside my mind was whirling. _What is wrong with their eyes?_

"Did no one tell you about ROP? Have you read anything about it?" I just shook my head. I knew Bella would have mentioned it if a doctor had spoken to her.

"Okay, let me explain. ROP stands for retinopathy of prematurity. It is a condition that affects preemies where their eyes are damaged by runaway blood-vessel formation. It can be treated, but needs to be closely monitored until they reach gestational age. In its worst form, it causes blindness. Stevie Wonder is blind because of ROP."

_Oh, crap. This is serious._

"Yes, it is serious." Rose stopped rocking and looked me in the eye. "However, it can be treated and if it is caught early it rarely results in blindness anymore. Dr. Berns will be here to check their eyes and see where they are. Depending on what he finds you will have to bring the babies him every few days until the risk has run its course."

"Okay. What does 'check their eyes' mean for Elizabeth and Anthony?"

Rose actually grimaced and looked a bit green. "Well, he will look into their eyes to see if the blood vessel formation is appropriate. Honestly, it is the one procedure in the NICU that gives me the shivers. It is sort of a Clockwork Orange type of thing. I don't enjoy assisting with it to be quite honest."

"Are they awake for it?"

"Yes. It honestly doesn't take much time and the risks of any type of sedation would be much more than the momentary discomfort that they feel." Rose gave me a sympathetic smile and returned to the nurse's station.

I just hugged Anthony closer to my chest and continued to rock.

When Dr. Berns arrived, he kindly explained the procedure and offered to let me watch from the end of the bed. However, Rose explained that after the examination, both babies would need to calm down with limited stimulation in their cribs. She assured me that most babies fell asleep shortly after the exam.

I decided to grab an early lunch.

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When I returned to the NICU, Rose explained that both infants did well with the exam. However, it appeared that Anthony has some degree of ROP. Since ROP is caused by either high or low levels of oxygen, it is not surprising that Anthony is the one who developed the condition with his history of sepsis and subsequent treatment. He would have to be examined every three or four days. We will have to get used to the Clockwork Orange torture in order to preserve our son's eyesight.

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As the days went by, both Bella and I were beginning to see the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. Anthony was doing well enough to be able to go home soon. He hadn't had any A&Bs, he was eating well. When he passed his car-seat test, I thought we were home free.

We weren't.

Our tiny little son. _My son._ Had to have surgery. Surgery for preemies was serious. Very serious. Several people had explained to us that preemies reacted very unreliably to anesthesia. My little four and a half pound son would have two surgeons working at the same time to repair his hernias. I knew enough from my father to know that hernia surgery wasn't that uncommon among all babies. But Anthony was a preemie. It was a totally different ballgame.

Anthony's surgery was scheduled for day 70. After ten weeks in the NICU, he would be in the OR. Not at home. In the operating room. _Oh, God._

The only bright spot was that Elizabeth would be coming home soon. She had suddenly begun taking her feedings better and she hadn't had an A&B in over seven days. Elizabeth might be coming home after 68 days in the NICU. _Thank God._

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The day before Elizabeth was to come home was nerve-wracking and busy and overwhelming. I could tell Bella was on edge. Hell, I was too. We obsessively watched the pulse-ox monitor to make sure it stayed over 99%. One single non-feeding A&B and we would be set back another week.

To add to the stomach-churning atmosphere, day 67 was the day that the babies hearing exams were scheduled. Both Bella and I were very certain that Elizabeth could hear well. She seemed to react to sounds, if anything she might be a bit over-sensitive to sound. However, Anthony had been pumped full of antibiotics. The antibiotics that were administered to Anthony during his bout of sepsis were known to cause hearing loss. I knew that both Bella and I were scared to death for him. He was already being watched for ROP-related vision issues, he had to have surgery, and now we were waiting to see if he had hearing loss.

We were very fortunate that the audiology department arrived in the morning. The audiologist explained that they would be doing something called an OAE exam which stood for otoaucoustic emissions. Basically they put a tiny headphone in the baby's ear and by playing a sound at a certain frequency, they could figure out if the baby's inner ear was healthy and undamaged enough to allow them to hear the sound.

Elizabeth passed with flying colors.

Anthony did not.

_Anthony has a hearing loss. Anthony has a hearing loss. Anthony has a hearing loss._

I pulled myself together to learn more about the further testing that they would be doing. We learned that they would repeat the OAEs and do something to check his neural connections once he was out of the OR. Both Bella and I were too overwhelmed to even cry.

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The night of day 67 found us in a small room in the basement of yet another hospital. The "sister" hospital of ours held infant first aid classes for parents of preemies. Bella and I sat among our peers—other parents who were scared shitless that we were going to be taking our infants home. Infants that had serious medical issues. Infants that had been seriously ill.

A NICU nurse stood at the front of the class and went over basic infant CPR and first aid. We all paid strict attention. We all prayed we wouldn't need this. We all knew that the rate of re-hospitalization in the first year for a very early preemie was _high. _Very high. Almost a guarantee.

The nurse then spent the last ten minutes beating it into our heads to call an ambulance if needed; not to try and drive the baby to the ER.

Yeah. Bottom line: call 911. Got it.

Nine months ago, this was not what I thought I would be doing the night before I took my baby home from the hospital.

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Both Bella and I woke up on day 68 with small smiles on our faces. Today was the day that we were going to take Elizabeth home. Our enthusiasm was tempered by the overwhelming shadow of Anthony's upcoming surgery. And the fact that he would be the only member of our little family at the hospital. Because the NICU did not allow children into the unit, once Elizabeth left, she could not return. Even if she was readmitted to the hospital immediately, she would probably be put into the PICU (pediatric ICU) instead of the NICU. Once you were out, you were _out_.

We had been unable to talk much about how we were going to handle having one preemie at home and one in the NICU.

After our breakfast routine, we headed to the NICU with one car seat in hand. As we entered the NICU, we got our usual hugs from the nurses and big smiles. I think seeing a baby "graduate" was as much of a big deal for them as for us. They had spent as much time with them as we had.

When we got to Elizabeth's bassinet, we noticed that she no longer had a pulse-ox meter on her foot. She was still small. Her overnight weight was 5 lbs., 4 oz. She had more than doubled her birth weight. As usual, her eyes were open and she was alert. Bella stepped up and scooped her up in her arms as I grabbed Anthony. When I looked to Bella I saw her eyes flooded with tears she was fighting to keep back. Happy tears for Elizabeth, sad tears for Anthony.

Rose and Dr. Chase approached us after we had been there about one hour. After they pulled up chairs, they both took a seat across from us.

Dr. Chase started. "Well, I can see from the notes that Elizabeth is ready to go home today. All we need to do is go over these instructions then you can take your girl home."

Both Bella and I nodded before he continued. "I have seen from this that your pediatrician is Dr. Kay. He has already been here a few times. He will want to see her before the week is up and then will follow up with you as needed. You will need to also need to follow up with audiology and ophthalmology regarding her recent test results as suggested. ROP is still a risk for her as she is still less than forty weeks. Elizabeth is currently eating every three hours, so you can keep to that rhythm. Write down when you feed her and how much and bring that to Dr. Kay. If you see her acting lethargic, or a fever or no wet diapers, let Dr. Kay know immediately. Do you have any questions?"

Bella and I both shook our heads no. Rose smiled at us and we started to go over the paperwork. We signed Elizabeth out of the hospital. She was officially discharged. We didn't take her home until 6:30 pm because we just couldn't leave Anthony there by himself.

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**AN: Google Clockwork Orange eye and you will get an idea of what they do to these babies. I participated in every single out-of-NICU eye exam of my babies and I never looked. NEVER. It was hard enough holding them still and listening to their pitiful little monkey cries. I'll describe what I had to do in a future chapter but basically, I had to hold the baby on my lap with their head at my knees and their feet in my belly. I had to pin their arms to their sides while simultaneously keeping their head perfectly still. Parenting hell. Let's just say I was not one of those moms who freaked out when my babies got their first shot. That was easy peasy.**


	28. Just an Annoying Author's Note

Just an author's note. (I hate these so I am sorry I felt the need to do one.)

First, sorry about the last chapter's craziness, but Microsoft Word sort of weirded out on me. I have no idea why it was FINE on the screen but not when uploaded. I can't blame FFn for this one – it is ALL me. I *hopefully* fixed it.

Secondly, I was hospitalized this last week and just got discharged today. Why am I telling you this? Well, I catch a flight out for my vacation on Friday. Yes. Day after tomorrow. 48 hours. I had a short chapter out for pre-read to my beta, and I will try to get it posted before I leave. If I do, it probably won't be beta'd because as good as _cocoalvin_ is, I don't think she would have a 5 minute turn-around time.

Finally, I probably missed replying to a few reviews and sending out the photolink. (My inbox was crazy after a week in the hospital w/ no computer). PLEASE ask again via PM and I will try to send it out.

My vacation is from June 24th until July 10th. I probably won't have internet access, so it will seem as if I have dropped off the face of the Earth.

Thanks again for all the support and kind words people have sent me. You have no idea what it means to me to know that others are interested in my family's journey. My kids are amazing survivors and I love that more people recognize that.

hotmama


	29. Torn

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. If it were I would have a new van that wasn't beat all to hell from driving on New Jersey's craptastic roads. *grumbles***

_**cocoalvin **_**is my beta. She is awesome. Any remaining errors are mine (because I don't always listen).**

**Only a few chapters left. Almost took me longer to write this story than to live it.**

**Sorry for the delay in posting. My vacation was excellent, BUT I am continuing to have some health problems that result in unexpected hospitalizations. Of course, I **_**never**_** have my computer with me so I can't write while staring at hospital walls…**

****I am still catching up to reviews and PMs. I am SO sorry for the delay. I do treasure each review. Truly.

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**Chapter 28: Torn**

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**BPOV**

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I couldn't believe it. Today was the day that Elizabeth was coming home. Home. To her home. To our family's home. _Finally_.

My emotions were all over the place. I was thrilled that Elizabeth was coming home, but I felt like I was abandoning Anthony in the NICU all alone. I felt guilty; I felt like I was choosing Elizabeth over Anthony. I was so excited that Elizabeth was doing so well and was so healthy so far. BUT. Anthony might have hearing loss. He might develop a more severe case of retinopathy of prematurity which could lead to surgery and loss of eyesight.

He needed surgery to repair his hernias.

And as I was told so frequently, preemies did not always react predictably to surgery.

At 6:30 pm, I knew that Edward and I needed to get home. We had to leave Anthony. _He is all by himself._ At least before, I felt like Elizabeth and Anthony had each other, but now… Anthony was going to be by himself tonight.

_What kind of mother leaves her baby all alone?_

I knew tonight would be difficult. For Edward and me, it would be our first time at home, alone, with an essentially newborn baby. Who could quit breathing during feedings. We both needed to be here.

And now it was 6:35. We needed to leave before shift change. I could feel Edward's eyes on me. If I looked at him, I would break down sobbing. He was waiting for me to put Anthony back in his bassinette so we could leave. Elizabeth was already dressed and waiting to be strapped into her car seat.

6:40. I stopped rocking.

6:42. I stopped smothering Anthony's tiny head with kisses and whispered "I-love-yous" and I stood up.

6:45. I swaddled Anthony as tightly as I could and placed him in his bassinette.

I turned slightly to face Edward and Elizabeth. Seeing the tears shining in Edward's eyes, I knew we both needed to get out of here before we broke down. We needed to focus on Elizabeth tonight. Anthony was safe here in the NICU.

Crouching down by the car seat on the floor, I helped Edward get Elizabeth strapped into her seat. Hearing a noise behind me, I saw Rose and Betsy standing there with soft smiles on their faces.

Rose stepped forward to hug me. "Remember that you can call us _anytime_ for _anything._ Just because she is no longer technically a patient here, we will still be here to offer advice and support."

I stepped back and Betsy leaned forward to hug me fiercely. "Call. Us. If. You. Need. To."

I whispered a quiet "thank you" to the both of them before I grabbed Edward's free hand and headed toward the NICU door.

I didn't look back at Anthony. I just couldn't.

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Our little incomplete family of three headed toward the elevators. There is no wheelchair service when you leave the NICU, just a NICU nurse who walks you to the outside door. I was pretty sure it was Rose that escorted us out but I was trying so hard to keep it together I didn't register her presence until I stepped into the elevator and saw her step in after us.

Edward was rubbing small circles on my back.

I concentrated on the elevator music. _Is that a Whitesnake song?_

I stared at the elevator directory printed on the panel in front of me. _Whose brilliant idea was it to put the psych ward on the 13__th__ floor?_

The elevator took forever.

I ignored the aww-you-are-taking-a-new-baby-home smiles and stares from passer-bys. _Didn't they realize I was leaving another baby here?_

When we reached the door, Rose gave Edward and me a hug. I think she reminded me to call if I needed anything. I think I said "thank you" and "see you later". I am not sure.

We were actually going to take our baby _home._

We are actually leaving one baby _here._

We walked across the street to the parking garage without saying anything. Elizabeth would occasionally emit little billy-goat noises. When we got to the Volvo, we snapped her car seat in and took our places in the front seat.

Edward put the key in the ignition but before he could turn the car on, I reached over and stopped him.

"Are we really doing this? Are we really taking a _baby_ home?" My voice sounded weird to my own ears. Quiet. Panicked.

It all seemed so surreal. I felt like a mother. Sort of. Sometimes. I was a hospital-mother. I fed my babies. I changed diapers. But that was my hospital life. My home life was a pseudo-mother. I only pumped breast milk. There was no let-down from crying, I let-down after hearing the _whoosh_ of a pump. I didn't get up because of a baby crying, I got up because my boobs were going to explode if I didn't. At 2 am I didn't rock a baby to sleep, I made a phone call to the NICU while standing by myself at the sink.

It also had begun to feel like I wasn't _meant_ to be a home-mother. So many things had happened—so many roadblocks. Incompetent cervix. Preterm labor. Premature rupture of my membranes. Brain-bleeds, sepsis, A&Bs.

_Would I ever carry a child across the threshold of our little home?_

I turned to Edward. "Promise me we won't be hit by a car on the way home. _Promise me._"

Edward just leaned over and engulfed me in a hug. After a minute or two, he whispered, "I'm scared too."

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Much to my amazement, we made the drive home unscathed. We didn't even hit traffic.

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As Edward carried the infant carrier through the front door, we stopped and grinned at each other. He gingerly placed the car seat on the floor and turned to gather me up in his arms.

"Elizabeth is home!" We laughed as we realized that we spoke at the same time.

Edward placed a sweet kiss on my forehead. "Thank God," he whispered.

He released me and we both turned to look at Elizabeth. The tiny little girl was just looking around with wide-open eyes.

"I want to show her the nursery," I murmured as I crouched down to unbuckle her and pick her up. Edward moved the seat to the side of the couch and followed me up the stairs. As I walked through the door to the babies' room, I _finally_ began to realize that I might get a chance to be a "real" mother. I allowed myself a moment to savor having her home.

Edward left Elizabeth and me to have a moment alone so I walked her around the room, softly talking to her. I told her how happy I was to have her home. How much her Daddy and I loved her. I placed her down on the changing table and changed her diaper.

_I was finally a mother with a baby at home._

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By some wonderful twist of fate, our first night as "real" parents went wonderfully. Elizabeth drank her bottle without difficulty. She didn't have any sort of "poo-explosion" that required a hose and a bath to get her clean. She "talked" to Edward and me for about twenty minutes before we put her in her crib where she almost immediately settled into sleep.

As we shut the door to her room, Edward and I turned to each other and said, "This can't be this easy, right?"

I followed Edward down the hall to our bedroom, while smothering my giggles. Once the door was closed to our room, we both burst out laughing. I loved how we were on the same wavelength most of the time.

Edward folded me into his arms as our laughter died down. I buried my face in his chest while he rested his cheek on the top of my head.

After several long moments, his voice broke through the silence. "Are you okay, Love?"

I nodded against his chest. I _was_ okay. Not fabulous. Not depressed. Just okay. Finally, I whispered, "I want Anthony home."

This time I could feel Edward's nod against the top of my head. "We won't be complete until he is here with us. If all goes well, he will be home in three days."

We both sighed. Three days felt like an eternity.

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Elizabeth woke us from our nap at 10 pm. I went to pump so I could give her a freshly prepared meal while Edward changed her diaper. Edward must have spent a few extra minutes "talking" with her because when he finally joined me in the living room, I was finished pumping and his eyes were a bit red and glassy.

I shot him an understanding smile while I handed him Elizabeth's bottle. Before he could register the moment, I grabbed the camera and took a picture of the two of them. _Daddy and daughter. At home._ Edward fed our daughter while I sat beside him on the sofa rubbing soft circles on his thigh or running my fingers through his hair.

Again, Elizabeth took most of her bottle. She kept her eyes open for about fifteen minutes before we put her back in her crib for more sleep. Five minutes later, she was out like a light.

Edward grabbed my hand and led me to our bedroom. Once we were standing by our bed, he gently cupped my face in both hands and whispered, "I love you, Mrs. Cullen," before his lips met mine in a gentle but emotional kiss.

I stood on my tiptoes and tangled my hands in his soft hair. After a few minutes, our kiss deepened and turned into something more. Passion. Excitement. Celebration.

_Oh, how I love this man._

As if by mutual agreement, we broke apart and pulled our shirts over our head. Edward's hands quickly reached around to unclasp my bra and slide it from my shoulders. However, before he had a chance to caress my breasts, I threw myself against him. I needed to feel the smooth muscled skin of his chest against mine. As our lips met in another kiss, we both felt my nipples harden. A guttural groan ripped from Edward's chest before he reached down, picked me up and dropped me in the middle of our bed.

As he tore off my sandals, he ground out, "I have to see you baby. I need to have you spread out beneath me." I ran my hands over his shoulders and through his hair as he reached for the button and zipper on my shorts. Once he had my shorts open, he wasted no time in pulling both my panties and shorts down my legs.

"Oh, baby. You are so beautiful. Your skin is so smooth." His big hands ran up from my ankles to my thighs. He applied gentle pressure to the inside of my knees to get me to open up for him. After bending over to place a chaste kiss on my pubic bone, Edward stood up and quickly removed the rest of his clothes.

I could feel my skin flush with desire. _God, he was so beautiful._ He stood in front of me, the epitome of male perfection. The muscles in his legs were lean and defined from his daily run. His torso was cut so each muscle group could be seen. And licked. Maybe even bitten.

His erection stood proudly from his body, proclaiming to the world that Edward was on the large size. I knew from experience what he would taste like. Manly. Musky. Salty bitterness from the drop of pre-cum on his tip. Pure Edward. _Yum._

I pulled my eyes from his delicious cock and looked up to his face. Those intense green eyes were darting from my face to my breasts to my wet pussy. I pulled my knees up and to the side in silent invitation.

His answer was to crawl back on the bed and settle himself on me. The underside of his rock-hard cock was nestled in my folds so he was drenched in my wetness. Our hips rocked together gently as our lips met again.

Our eyes met after we pulled apart to catch our breath. "Edward, I love you. So much. You and our family are everything to me."

Edward never broke my gaze as he lined his cock up with my entrance and slowly pushed himself into my body. Once his hips met mine, he stilled. "Bella. I had given up hope on ever finding love and having a 'traditional' family. You and our children are my world now. There are no words to describe how I feel with you in my life."

Edward began to rock his hips slowly, never coming more than halfway out. We couldn't bear to be further apart. As our pace increased, we pulled at each other to try and get closer. I wanted to crawl inside his chest and wrap myself around his heart.

Our quiet moans became more frantic as we got closer to climax. Never slowing his thrusts, Edward braced himself on one elbow and used his other hand to rub quick circles around my clit. My orgasm surprised me with its intensity. My body tried to curl in on itself as I shuddered and shook with pleasure. I was aware of Edward's loud groan he muffled in the crook of my neck as he stilled and spilled into me.

I don't know how long we lay there together. Our bodies were sweaty and replete, still connected to each other.

Eventually, we heard Elizabeth start to make her little billy-goat noises. Smiling at each other, we quickly cleaned up and got dressed. We stood side by side as I changed Elizabeth and Edward called the NICU to check on Anthony.

We could both finally see what our lives would be like. As parents. As lovers. As family.

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**AN: Next chapter will FINALLY be about Anthony's hernia surgery. Not many chapters left folks.**


	30. Once More into the Breach

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. If it were, I wouldn't have made Edward such a prude. I also would have put the kibosh on that ugly cheese-grater engagement ring that Bella got from Edward in the movie. I swear when I see it, all I can hear is a voice saying "would you like some freshly grated cheese with on meal?"**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta. She has been a wonderful source of support from the beginning. ****I am sending this out un-beta'd and will replace it once she had had a chance to look it over.**

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**The delay in updating is due to some unrelenting health problems I am having. Everytime I think I am 'better' I end up having a setback and am back in the hospital. If I would just have my laptop with me when they admit me…**

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**Chapter 30. Once More into the Breach…**

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**BPOV**

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Our first night at home with Elizabeth was wonderful. We seem to easily settle into a rhythm. She would wake, eat, "talk" with us for a few moments, then go to sleep in her crib. Edward and I took turns feeding her but both of us were too excited to sleep when it was not our turn to feed her so we ended up keeping each other company during the late-night feedings.

The next morning, Edward stayed home with Elizabeth and I went into the NICU to feed Anthony. We had decided that I would be the one to spend most of my time at the NICU since I was still working to establish Anthony's breast feeding. As awful as it was to leave Elizabeth at home without me, I was comforted by the fact that Edward was with her. _She was home with her daddy_.

It was heart rending to walk into the NICU and see Anthony is a bassinette all by himself. I was so used to seeing Elizabeth and Anthony clustered together, Anthony seemed all alone by himself in the corner of the NICU. Because he was essentially ready to go home, except for his hernia surgery, he was only attached to a pulse ox monitor. He really didn't need the nurses' attention except for feeding times.

As I was rocking Anthony after feeding him, Stephanie came over to talk to me.

"I see that Elizabeth went home yesterday. Congrats! Did everyone do okay last night?"

I couldn't stop the smile that took over my face. "We did great. She took her bottles and settled down well. We didn't have any major crying jags – by either her or me!"

Stephanie giggled a bit at my description. "Well, remember that we are always here to answer questions. Call us anytime - day or night."

"Thanks Stephanie. You guys have been great." I blinked back the tears in my eyes. The nurses here _have_ been great. I have no idea how Edward and I would have survived without them.

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Right before lunch, the surgeon stopped in to see Anthony. After looking over his chart and talking with Stephanie, Dr. Bandy wandered over to examine Anthony while I stood by and watched. Once Anthony had been re-swaddled, I sat down to talk with Dr. Bandy about tomorrow's surgery.

"So let me go over with you what will happen tomorrow, okay?" I just nodded and motioned for him to proceed.

"The surgery is scheduled for 8:30. Anthony will be wheeled down to the 4th floor by one of the NICU nurses. Because he is a preemie, a NICU nurse will be present in the OR during the procedure. Since preemies respond so unpredictably to the stress of surgery, we have scheduled the anesthesia attending to administer anesthesia. Additionally, my partner will be working with me. I will repair one hernia while he works on the other side. Hopefully we can keep the procedure under one hour. Unlike adults, Anthony will be brought right back to the NICU after the procedure so he can recover from anesthesia here. The NICU is the best place to monitor him."

I could feel myself become more and more numb as he talked.

"Will I be able to go with Anthony down to the OR?"

"You can follow the NICU transport down to the 4th floor, but you will not be allowed into the OR suite. I would wait here in the NICU for him to be brought back. Although remember, he will probably still be under anesthesia when you see him."

All I could do is just nod. Dr. Bandy left when I indicated I had no more questions.

The rest of the day just ran by in a blur.

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Tuesday night was one of the longest nights of my life. Elizabeth was still a perfectly easy-going baby. She ate well and slept well, but Edward and I did neither. We didn't even pretend to order or make dinner. Both of us knew it would be a wasted effort.

At 11 pm, Edward guided me to the shower where we lovingly washed each other. I know it was in the back of our minds that tomorrow might be our worst nightmare, but tonight we tried to focus on us. On our family.

We didn't make love, but we spent much of our time wrapped in each other's arms. Loving without words.

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Wednesday morning was one of those perfect summer mornings. The air was fresh and cool. There was not a cloud in the sky. I remember thinking it was too beautiful a day for a baby to die.

Esme and Carlisle had come by the house at 6 am so that none of us would feel rushed to get to the hospital. Surprisingly, neither Edward nor I felt at all anxious about leaving Elizabeth with Edward's parents. Esme had spent hours with both babies in the NICU and Carlisle was a physician so they were both very comfortable with our tiny Elizabeth. Even more reassuring, both Esme and Carlisle were determined to do things the way Edward and I wanted them done. I never felt like either of them was second-guessing our instructions or concerns. We were so lucky to have them in our lives.

Edward and I drove to the hospital in silence. Our only communication was the occasional reassuring squeezes from one hand to another. There was nothing else to say.

We walked into the NICU at 7 am in the middle of shift change. As we settled into our rockers beside Anthony's bassinette, I was thrilled to see that Rose would be the nurse in charge of Anthony today. It was obvious that she had arrived early as she was already cleaning out and preparing the transport isolette for Anthony.

The transport isolette was a small version of the isolette beds that Anthony and Elizabeth had spent weeks in. It was on wheels and had many small drawers full of supplies. It also had a monitor, oxygen tank and other equipment attached.

Edward had immediately gone to Anthony and had him swaddled and in his arms while I was taking in the sight of Rose readying her equipment. It wasn't until I turned around that I realized that Anthony had an IV in his arm. My stomach lurched at the sight. _It was really happening. Anthony was going to have __surgery__._

I decided to focus my attention on Edward and Anthony. Anthony was wide awake and his eyes were focused on his daddy. Edward was obviously thrilled to have the opportunity to "talk" with Anthony before the surgery. I leaned forward and took one hand of both of my boys in one of mine. We all sat there drinking in the presence of each other until Rose had to interrupt our intimacy.

"Edward, Bella. We need to get ready to go downstairs to the OR. You can go with Anthony until we are called back to the OR." Both Edward and I nodded slowly.

"Do you have any last minute questions for me?"

Edward met my eyes then turned to Rose. His voice was barely over a whisper when he spoke. "No. We are just ready to get this over so we can take him home."

When Edward's voice cracked on the word "home", I felt the first of what I am sure will be many tears roll down my cheek.

Rose stood quietly by as Edward stood with Anthony in his arms. More tears fell from my eyes as I watched Edward lean in and whisper words into Anthony's ear. After several kisses, Edward handed me Anthony.

_Oh God._

I took Anthony in my arms. I tried to memorize his precious little face. I gently squeezed him so I could feel his solid little body in my arms. I stared into his eyes in an attempt to non-verbally communicate my all-consuming love for him. I placed kisses all over his adorable little face. Finally, I leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Little one, Mama loves you with everything that I have. We miss you at home. I miss you. Daddy misses you. Elizabeth misses you. You _have_ to get through this so we can take you home tomorrow. Our hearts and home is not complete until you get there. I love you sweetie. I love you so very, very much. We will be right here when you get back."

Through my tears, I could see Rose as she took Anthony from my arms and began to transfer him to the isolette. Because of his IV line and numerous monitor leads, it took a few minutes to get him settled and everything straightened out.

Rose reached over to grab my hand and give me a squeeze. "I will be right with him every second this morning. He will never leave my sight, okay?"

It was all I could do to nod in response. Words failed me.

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.

Rose pushed Anthony out of the room with Edward and me following closely behind. The NICU hallway was fairly secluded and out of the way so there were rarely anyone around. We were able to walk undisturbed until we reached the elevator bank.

It was then that both Edward and I realized that having Rose as our nurse was the best thing that ever happened to us.

At the elevator banks, the first person to approach us was an older gentleman, probably a grandfather visiting a new grandbaby in the well-baby unit. He stared at us until he caught my eye then decided to make the standard "new baby" conversation.

"Congrats on the new baby! It is really a blessing isn't it?" I offered a weak smile and angled my body away from him and stepped into Edward's embrace. The man took a step forward and began to peer into Anthony's isolette. "Why is – "

Rose stepped in between the man and the isolette, blocking his view of my son. In a cold, firm voice she quietly spoke. "Sir, I must ask that you respect the patient's privacy."

The man looked a bit startled and started to explain, "I was just-"

Again, Rose pulled out her firm no-nonsense voice. "Thank you." She turned her back on him and further adjusted the tiny isolette cover to block his view.

The gentleman disappeared into the next elevator that arrived, even though it was going up and I am sure he was headed down.

Rose reached out and rubbed my back. Edward continued to hold me to his chest.

The down elevator finally arrived, but unfortunately there were three thirty-something women chatting together in the back.

_Please ignore us. Please ignore—_

A high sugar-sweet voice interrupted my mental pleadings. "Ohhhh. What a cute widdle baby! What is—"

Again, Rose stepped in between the women and Anthony. "I will have to ask you to please respect the patient's privacy."

"Oh, I'm sure the parents won't mind if—"

"It is hospital policy as well as federal law that you do not pry into other's patients business. I will have to ask you to exit the elevator if you cannot comply."

The woman finally gave up, but spent the rest of the ride acting outraged that Rose was so "rude" to her.

When we finally got to the floor with the OR, I was beyond rattled. I hated that people were looking at Anthony like he was a curiosity. I hated that we were even going to the OR.

I just wanted to take my boys and go home.

Rose led us down a long hallway. I noticed we passed the OR waiting room and instead Rose guide us to four chairs that were lined up against the wall in the hallway.

"We will wait here until they are ready for us." She pointed to the double doors where a red sign read "Authorized Personnel Only." Above the door, a smaller sign read "OR suites 1-4".

I concentrated on Anthony. He looked so tiny in his small isolette in this big, long hallway.

_How can a baby this small undergo surgery?_

_He has already been through so much, now he has to have surgery?_

_How much pain will he be in?_

_How long will this take?_

_Will he be okay?_

_When can he come home?_

I turned toward Edward and met his worried green eyes. After a moment, he reached over and pulled me into his lap. I tucked my head under his chin and he placed his cheek on the top of my head. We sat there in silence. We listened to the beeping of Anthony's monitor. We listened to each other's breathing. We tensed each time we heard noise behind the door.

Rose kept herself busy checking the monitors, assessing Anthony and writing in Anthony's chart. Her calm competency helped to keep my anxiety in check.

After what seemed like an eternity, the automatic doors opened to reveal a small woman clad head to toe in scrubs. She pulled her mask down and smiled at our little group.

"Hey Rose. It has been too long! How are you? Still in the NICU I guess?"

Rose returned her smile. "Jane, I'm fine. I am loving the NICU. It's great."

"It is so good to see you." Jane turned to us. "You must be the parents of this little guy."

I climbed off of Edward's lap and we both stood to greet her. Edward cleared his throat before speaking. "Yes. I'm Edward and this is my wife Bella."

"My name is Jane and I will be one of the nurses in the OR with Anthony today. We will take really good care of him. Do you have any questions?"

I spoke up, "How long do you think the procedure will take? When will he be back in the NICU?"

"Well, it really depends on how Anthony reacts to the anesthesia and how quickly the surgeons can work to repair his hernias. My best estimate would be that he would be back to the NICU in about one hour."

I nodded. Dr. Bandy had told me the same thing.

After a moment of quiet, Jane turned to Rose. "Are you ready?"

Rose nodded then turned to Edward and me.

I stepped up to the isolette and opened one of the portals so I could reach in and touch Anthony's hand. He looked so small. From the corner of my eye, I saw Edward unlatch the other portal and reach in to touch Anthony's skinny leg. I leaned over and rested my forehead on the top of the isolette. "I love you Anthony. Be strong for us. We want you home."

Edward's voice picked up when mine gave out. "I love you little guy. We will see you soon. In just an hour you will be back in the NICU and we will be waiting for you. Love you."

The next thing I know, I watched Rose and Jane wheel Anthony through the double doors and back to the OR suites. Anthony looked so tiny and fragile. _I want him back. I want him to be okay. I need the surgery to be finished and Anthony to be back in the NICU._

One hour.

Sixty minutes.

An eternity.

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After Anthony disappeared behind the doors, Edward grabbed my hand and led me back toward the elevators. We walked slowly down the hall, each lost in our own thoughts. We didn't really want to wait in the NICU, but the café was closed because it was too early for lunch and too late for breakfast. We didn't really have a place to go except the surgical waiting room.

As we approached the surgical waiting room, we could hear a very loud deep voice having what seemed to be a one-sided conversation. I was pulled from my thoughts when Edward stopped abruptly next to me. I looked up at Edward to see him glaring murderously. I followed his gaze to see a man who was talking loudly on his cell phone. Why was Edward so furious? Yeah, the guy was obnoxiously loud but he seemed harmless. I was confused for a moment until I realized that he was standing beside a very large, clear sign that forbid the use of cell phones. The sign went on to explain that cell phone use could interfere with some of the equipment used in the OR. I glanced around the room. The room had several of these signs.

Before I could register what was happening, Edward dropped my hand and stomped over to the man. When Edward spoke, he was not loud but the tone of his voice was deadly. "Excuse me, but as you can see from the posted signs, the use of cell phones is expressly forbidden here."

The Talker was oblivious. He looked up at Edward and dismissed him with a quick, "I'll be off in just a second."

I could see the tension in Edward's shoulders from where I stood ten feet away. He growled out his response between clenched teeth. "No. You will be done _now._"

When the Talker moved to turn his back on Edward, Edward's hand shot out, grabbed his cell phone and flipped it closed thereby ending the call.

_Oh shit_.

"Listen and listen good. The signs in this room forbid the use of cell phones since it could interfere with the equipment used in the operating rooms. _My son_ is in one of those operating rooms and the last thing he needs is some asshole on a cell phone that could be interfering with the equipment that is _keeping him alive_. Take five minutes and go outside to finish your damn phone call."

After his rant, Edward spun on his heel, grabbed my hand and hurried us from the waiting room and down the hall to the stairwell. He was quiet until we reached the ground level and stepped outside into the hospital garden. When he reached the nearest bench, he collapsed on it and pulled me into his lap where he buried his face in my hair.

I felt him sigh then mutter a quiet "I'm sorry."

I ran my fingers through his hair while he calmed down. I understood his frustration. We were both so powerless. The only thing we had control over was our own behavior. We followed all suggestions from the medical team because it was one of the few things we could _do_. Watching that man flaunt a "rule" so flagrantly was a kick in the gut. What if his cell phone interfered with some equipment that was monitoring Anthony? That was something so preventable. We had no control over Anthony's hearing loss, his hernias, his eyesight – but cell phone useage? That we could control.

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Forty five minutes after the surgery began, Edward and I were sitting in our rocking chairs in the NICU. In our absence, Anthony's bassinette was removed and replaced with a warmer bed. I guess they prepared for the worse. If he had trouble recovering from surgery, they would need him on a warmer bed so that they would attend to him. It felt like a huge leap backwards though. Only the really sick babies were in warmers.

There was no sign of Anthony or Rose at the one hour mark.

Still nothing at the one hour 10 minute mark.

The doors to the NICU finally opened at one hour 15 minutes. Rose rolled Anthony in and Betsy quickly came to her side to help her transfer Anthony from the isolette to the warmer.

Anthony still had his IV and was now hooked up all of the monitors. He was really pale and lifeless. If it weren't for the monitor output, he would look dead.

After Anthony was settled, Rose came over to talk to us while Betsy went to call the neonatologist so that Anthony could be examined.

Rose crouched beside our rocking chairs. "Anthony did really well in the operating room. He tolerated the anesthesia quite well. In fact, he seemed to be very sensitive to the anesthesia which is why he is still so sedated. Dr. Bandy will be by to talk with you later, but they had an unexpected case after Anthony so he wasn't able to follow me up here. They were able to repair both hernias with little problem."

Both Edward and I let out a huge sigh of relief to know that it was over and he was okay. Unfortunately, Anthony wasn't out of the woods yet.

Rose started to say something else but was interrupted by the alarm from Anthony's monitor. His heart rate was really high – almost 200 beats per minute. It stayed that way for a minute before it slowed to its normal rate.

"So, as you can see Anthony is having some trouble with tachycardia. This is not uncommon after surgery with preemies and it one reason he is going to stay here for at least 24 hours so we can monitor him. Honestly, he will probably end up staying longer than 24 hours. In my experience, preemies who have some trouble with anesthesia take over a day for it to work its way out of their system."

I gripped Edward's hand tightly in mine. _Would this ever end?_

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**AN: Yeah, the cell phone thing really happened to my husband. Remember that my "babies" are 8 years old now. In 2003, cell phone use was banned in the hospital (now it is not banned at all). My husband did go a bit bat-shit crazy on a jerk of a cell phone talker while my son was in surgery.**


	31. EPOV Outtake of Cell Phone Caller

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The story is. I lived it.**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta but she is on vacation so this is unedited. She has been a wonderful source of support from the beginning. **

**Again, I am sorry for the delay. My health and family issues are really dragging me down. Instead of a full chapter, I thought I would post an outtake of EPOV of his temper tantrum with respect to the cell phone caller. I was **_**shocked**_** at how many people supported my hub's outburst. I figured I would get at least a few people telling me that he over-reacted…**

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**EPOV of the infamous cell phone call**

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When I found out that Kate's surrogate pregnancy was successful and I would finally be a father, I had all sorts of images running through my mind. Midnight feedings. Birthday celebrations. Bicycle riding. Graduations. I couldn't wait to do all of the things that Dads do. I already loved this tiny baby. I couldn't wait to get to know him or her. Comfort them. Offer guidance to them. Protect them. That's what parents do for the first part of their baby's life right? They keep them safe. Protected.

I felt completely powerless to protect my son as he went into surgery on day 70 of his life.

Watching Rose wheel Anthony down the hallway toward the operating suites knowing my infant son was going to be undergoing surgery was one of the hardest things I have ever experienced. Anthony was so tiny; he only weighed about five pounds (ironically considered a "good" weight). He had been through so much already. And now he had to face the risks of surgery and anesthesia. The medical staff had repeated the potential complications to Bella and me _ad nauseum_: apnea, bradycardia/tachycardia, allergies to the medications, and on and on and on. Even if he comes through the procedure with no apparent problems, Anthony would still have to stay in the NICU for 24 hours for observation.

I could just feel my heart clench in anxiety and fear. This is my _son._

_Please let him be okay. Please. Please. We've come so far! We are so close to being home._

When I tried to focus on calming down, a different emotion took its place beside my feelings of helplessness of being completely useless. I was **angry**. Irritation filled me as I thought of even more days of being in the hospital, more worry, more separation. Looking over at Bella, I realized I didn't want to "share" the babies anymore with fifty different medical personnel. It should be just us. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. At least in the NICU, I could hold his tiny hand or whisper my love in a fragile ear. But now, I couldn't even _see_ Anthony, much less offer any physical comfort. Like an angry toddler, I wanted to take my toys and go home. I wanted the four members of our family to sleep under the same roof, in the same fucking town.

_I should have given him one more kiss and told him one more time that I love him._

_Please let him be okay. Please. Please._

I could feel Bella burrow into my side. Attempting to calm myself, I pulled her close and kissed the top of her head. Her scent and warmth immediately helped me relax, if only a little. My wife was always exactly what I needed.

_I don't know how I would survived any of this without her._

As if reading my mind, Bella turned in my arms to bury her face in my chest. I felt her take a few deep shuddering breaths in an effort to calm herself and keep her tears at bay. I knew she got as much comfort from me as I did from her.

_God, I love this woman._

After a few moments, I took her hand and we began to slowly walk away from the OR suites. I had no specific destination in mind since I knew that the café was closed and the last place we wanted to wait was by Anthony's empty bed in the NICU. I directed in the general direction of the elevators. Maybe we should go outside to call and let Mom and Dad know that Anthony was in surgery.

As we walked back down the corridor, I could smell the odor of cheap coffee coming from the surgical waiting room. The room itself was fairly large, with chairs for about forty people. The room was at the end of the hallway, next to the elevators and surrounded by glass walls. A coffee cart sat in one corner under a large flat screen TV that was showing some god-awful morning talk show. At this point in the morning, there were about twenty people scattered throughout the room fidgeting on the uncomfortable chairs.

Walking beside me, Bella was obviously lost in her own thoughts, but the smell of coffee that permeated the air caught my attention. _I could really use a cup of coffee…_ However, before I could really consider whether or not I wanted to stop and grab a cup, my attention was diverted by an obnoxiously loud and annoying ring-tone.

It was well posted throughout this floor and most of the hospital that all cell phones were to be turned off. As his loud-pop-music ringtone sounded through the room and out into the hall, I actually felt bad for the guy, it is so embarrassing to be the one to forget to turn off your phone. Happens to everyone though…

_**What. The. Fuck?**_

The dude answered his phone and proceeded to talk loudly to the caller. I was vaguely aware that I had stopped abruptly in the hallway as I listened to this guy talk about the Yankee's upcoming game.

_Are you fucking kidding me?_

As LoudMouth continued to yap on his cell phone, it was obvious that he had no intention of ending his critique of Jeter's performance anytime soon. Unbelievably, LoudMouth stood right in front of one of the signs prohibiting cell phone usage; there was even a _picture_ of a cell phone in a circle with a line drawn diagonally. The sign clearly indicated that cell phone use could interfere with equipment in the operating rooms. Equipment in one of the rooms where my son was.

_Un-fucking-believable. _

There was no way I was going to let this asshole's conversation about a baseball game interfere with my son's surgery.

I felt the anger buried in my chest as it flared to rage and flooded my veins as I watched and listened to this guy ramble on and on and on. Before I knew what I was doing, I was standing in front of him. I took a deep breath to steady myself before I spoke. "Excuse me, but as you can see from the posted signs, the use of cell phones is expressly forbidden here."

LoudMouth couldn't even be bothered to look me in the eyes. He held up his index finger in the universal give-me-a-minute gesture. When I continued to glare at him, LoudMouth further dismissed me by angling his body away from mine and giving me a flippant "I'll be off in a second."

Rage. That was all I could see. I knew my fury was inappropriate, that my emotions were completely out of proportion to the situation at hand. Intellectually, I even knew that the chance of a cell phone signal interfering with the hospital's equipment was almost negligible.

But none of that mattered. My vulnerable little boy was undergoing surgery while this asshole insisted he must finish a conversation about fucking baseball?

Before I registered what I was doing, I grabbed the man's cell phone and flipped it closed. I'm sure I said something to the stunned man, but I don't know what it was.

Ending that phone call was all I could do to protect my son.

**AN: I am so expressly sorry it is taking me forever to get chapters out. As you will all see in the final installment of my "story", one of my children is having tremendous problems. Add in my recent illness and you have a mess. I love that not one single reader has hassled me about it. Thank you. Seriously.**


	32. It has only just begun

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The story is. I lived it. My kids live it.**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta. She has been a wonderful source of support from the beginning. **

**Again, I am sorry for the delay. My health and family issues were really dragging me down, BUT are better now. So I hope to pick the pace back up. See AN below.**

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**Chapter 31. It Has Only Just Begun**

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**BPOV**

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Anthony had to stay in the NICU for 48 hours before they would release him. His first 12 hours were plagued with long bouts of tachycardia from the anesthesia so they held him until Friday. Elizabeth had been released on Monday so we had to try to do the delicate visitation dance for four days.

So finally, _finally_, Edward and I left our house on Friday morning in mid-July to go to the NICU for the final time. We left Elizabeth in the care of Esme and Carlisle, grabbed one of the infant seats and set off for the hospital.

Both of us were well aware that most pre-28 week preemies were re-hospitalized at least once during their first year. The babies would be so susceptible to respiratory infections. We had been cautioned again and again that we would probably have at least one of them readmitted to the pediatric ICU (PICU) before their first birthday in May. The odds were just stacked against us.

Both Edward and I were somewhat quiet that morning. It was hard to believe that after 72 days in the NICU—over 10 weeks—that both of our children would be home.

Home.

I reached across the console to hold Edward's hand as he made the last turn toward the hospital. My voice was barely audible as I said softly, "I can't believe this is the end of our NICU visits."

His green eyes flashed toward mine briefly before he squeezed my hand. "It is a bit nerve-wracking thinking of taking them both on at the same time. But we have the advantage of already knowing our babies. We know their personalities, when they are hungry, when they are sleepy. We will be fine."

"Yeah, I know we will be okay. It just seems so unbelievable. Almost anti-climactic." I took a shuddering breath before I continued, "I spent so many hours imagining a horrible, dramatic end to this, that I just almost can't process it being over."

"Both babies are doing really well. Remember, we promised each other to not worry about things that haven't happened yet."

Leave it to Edward to get to the bottom of my fear. I was afraid of all of the unknowns. Viruses, bacteria, hearing loss, developmental delays, eyesight problems, asthma, cerebral palsy, gross motor delays… The list of things that were on our "watch" list was just so long. Our first pediatrician appointment was allotted for 90 minutes.

As we trudged into the building on that hot summer morning, I really couldn't help but smile. We were taking Anthony home in an hour or so. As we approached his bassinette, I really examined his features. He was still very tiny—about 17" long and about 5 lbs. He was also incredibly anemic so he was very, very pale. But he looked like a "real" baby. His cheeks were fat, his eyes were blue. He no longer had that malnourished-spider-monkey look of a preemie.

He also wasn't hooked up to monitors by any wires. He was free.

As we entered the room, Rose came up to greet us. She knew we wanted to get out of there, so she already had all of the discharge instructions written up. Our list of things to watch out for was so long—fevers, breathing, A&Bs, diaper counts, and doctor's appointments. So. Many. Appointments.

Monday – the pediatrician

Tuesday – the babies had to come back to the hospital to have the ventricles in their head measured by ultrasound

Wednesday – pediatric ophthalmologist to check for retinopathy of prematurity ROP

Thursday – pediatric pulmonologist to check lung function

As Edward and I looked over the discharge instructions with Rose, various nurses stopped by to say goodbye to us. It was such an odd feeling. Almost like saying goodbye to high school friends when we were all leaving for college out of state. We could see them again, but it would take a "special" trip to do so. We would eventually grow apart. But yet they were so very important to us it was impossible to imagine _not_ relying on them.

Finally, after going over everything on so many sheets of paper, we were allowed to put Anthony in his car seat. Edward said his goodbyes to Rose and the staff and walked out to bring the car up to the front of the hospital. After I buckled Anthony in securely, I turned to Rose.

"I can't even begin to thank you enough for what you have done for us." My voice was such a rough whisper I was surprised she could understand me.

We stepped forward to give each other a brief hug.

"Remember, you can call us anytime. Just because you are not a patient here, we are still here 24/7 and don't mind questions at 2:30 AM."

Since you can't put a preemie in a wheelchair, Rose just walked beside me on our way to the lobby as I carried Anthony in his car seat.

At the sliding glass doors, Rose turned to me and gave me another hug. "We have a NICU reunion every Fall. Please try to come to this one, as we would all love to see how you are doing."

"We wouldn't miss it for the world." I wiped the tears from my eyes as I stepped back toward the doors. With a quick little wave, I turned and walked out the doors to the waiting car.

We were free.

I hurried to Edward who was waiting beside the open backseat door. Edward took the car seat and snapped Anthony into place in the back before shutting the door firmly. I leaned up and gave him a soft, sweet kiss. "Let's go home."

**AN: **

**Okay. So. I have a question. I originally planned to write about the post-NICU world in a LONG epilogue, BUT obviously there has been so much that has happened to my kids in 8 years that I could actually add a few chapters to the end. It really depends on how much you want to know about their post-NICU challenges. I will write about the "issues" that they faced and continue to battle with no matter what, I guess I just want to know how much detail you guys want.**

**So… a longish epi OR approx. 5-8 more chapters?**

**I should be able to speed up my writing since my health is better right now. I hate to make you guys wait.**

**FYI…**

**It may be different at different hospitals…but where we were they only allowed "new" babies in the NICU. Once you stepped foot out of the hospital, even if the baby got sick the next HOUR, they would be admitted to the PICU. It had to do with attempts to control the spread of germs.**

**For those of you who have never had kids… pediatrician appointments do not usually last more than about 10-20 minutes. I didn't realize this until I had my "oops" baby. Her first appointment was over in about 10 minutes and it was just unbelievable. There was no LONG list of things to go over.**


	33. First Year Teaser

**AN: Twilight isn't mine. The "babies" are but they aren't babies anymore.**

_**cocoalvin**_** is my beta. She is incredible. Any remaining mistakes are mine (because I just can't leave well enough alone!)**

**So the resounding input from my readers was to have a few chapters about the post-NICU life. I'll do the best I can. Be gentle with me though, the closer with get to "now" the more emotionally vulnerable I am.**

**I did decide to put the post-NICU as a separate story. As I was doing a rough outline, I realized there is just so much to cover. Put me on author alert, I should be able to post before the end of the week. Be aware that my 'Elizabeth' is currently having a medical crisis, hence my horribly slow updates. I am so very sorry you have to wait and I appreciate each and every reader who has stuck with me, given me reviews and been so very patient. You have **_**no idea**_** how much you readers mean to me.**

**Anyhoo… this is just a thank you for all those that wanted more. Remember, the post-NICU story is not necessarily rainbows and sunshine.**

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**Chapter 33. First Year Teaser**

**BPOV**

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Bullshit. It was all bullshit. And if I heard it again, I would scream.

Intellectually, I realized people were just trying to be supportive and at a loss for what to say. But it didn't keep from making me want to scream.

I tuned back to what the doctor's receptionist was saying. "… do believe that God never gives you more than you can handle."

I offered the middle aged woman a tight smile and pushed the bulky double stroller over to a corner of the waiting room. Edward was supposed to meet me here for this appointment and should be here any moment. Luckily both babies were still in a milk coma and oblivious to their surroundings.

I turned to look at the woman behind the counter who had unknowingly riled me up. I absolutely hated that cliché, "God won't give me more than I can handle." So if I weren't such a strong person my entire family wouldn't be going through all of this? My children wouldn't have had to struggle through their painful, vulnerable short existence if I weren't so 'able' to handle it? If I were a weak woman, I would have healthy babies? And don't get me started on the "where God shuts a door he opens a window," because I will just push you out of that motherfucking window.

Unfortunately, I don't think that is how it works.

My ire dissipated as I felt Edward's comforting presence envelop me as he took a seat beside me. I looked toward him only to see him smirking at me.

"What?"

"You just got clichéd again didn't you?" I raised my eyebrow at him. How could he possibly know that? "You always get a 'special' pissed off look when you're internally ranting."

Before I could retort, we were called back to the ultrasound room. We were at the hospital to have the babies' heads examined via ultrasound. They needed to make sure that the ventricles in the babies' heads had not enlarged due to a brain bleed. Even though the highest danger for intraventricular hemorrhage had passed, they still needed to be monitored. Especially Elizabeth. They needed to make sure her previous bleed had not done any further damage to her brain. Damage beyond what was already there, of course.

I grabbed the diaper bag while Edward pushed the stroller behind the ultrasound tech. We were lucky that she was very business-like and got her equipment set-up with little idle chatter. I just wasn't in the mood.

"Okay, I'm all set up here. Can I please see Anthony?"

Edward reached into the back seat of the stroller and scooped up Anthony in such a way that he stayed completely asleep.

"Just turn him so I can reach the top of his head."

I shuffled back a little bit so Edward could maneuver Anthony closer to the small ultrasound wand she held in her hand. The technician placed a small amount of warm gel on the end of the wand then gently placed it against Anthony's soft spot. The screen in front of us immediately filled with a picture of his brain-grey matter surrounded two nickel-sized black wells of fluid in the ventricles. The technician took a few minutes to measure each ventricle before she gently wiped the wand and Anthony's head.

Edward carefully placed Anthony back into the stroller with Anthony still completely oblivious to what had occurred. As the tech sterilized the wand, I lifted Elizabeth from the stroller and moved her into position. As soon as the wand touched her head, Elizabeth's eyes popped open to look into mine. She seemed to be trying to tell me something. I knew what it was when I looked up to the screen.

The screen was filled with the image of Elizabeth's brain. Except this time, instead of grey matter surrounding nickel-sized ventricles, the ventricles were so large that they took up a majority of the ultrasound screen. They were huge. My daughter's brain had definitely been affected by her hemmorage.

I looked to Edward. His sickly green pallor matched mine.

Oh my god.

_I'll take that window now._


	34. Pictures!

Everyone,

So I have had several more people who want to see pictures of 'Elizabeth' and 'Anthony'. I have finally created a facebook page under my username 'hotmama4jd' and posted an album for both Premature Love and And Away We Go. The pictures right now only go to about 6 months but I will post more as the story progresses.

I am almost finished with the next chapter of And Away We Go. Hopefully the days of horrific posting delays is behind me…

Thanks for reading and being so supportive of me,

Hotmama4jd


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